I am new here myself, just lost my sister to suicide two months ago today, came here hoping to find some solace, but it's not a heavily populated place, is it? I came upon your post, and it is so eloquently written, and describes so well what ALL "survivors" are feeling. I lost my best friend in 1992 to natural causes, and we were soul mates like you and Mike, so I am sadly familiar with your loss. The fact, as I am learning with the loss of my sister, that it was self-inflicted complicates it exponentially. It is with the deepest empathy that I offer you my condolences on your loss of Mike, and on the terrible means that you lost him through. I hope your nightmares have ended, because I know that once they do, it will clear a path for the real Mike to send you his love in your dreams. Your nightmares are just all of your feelings of shock, loss, and horror trying to play themselves out. I hope "T" is doing better, what she did is alarming. My family has made a pact with each other not to hurt ourselves, because we know that it could start a chain reaction. They worry about me the most it seems, because I have no children, and I guess that makes them think I don't have much to live for, but I have a wonderful husband, and I would never do anything to him that would put the look on his face like he had the moment I told him that Kathy killed herself. Never. Oh, I may suffer, and make them miserable, but I will never be the one to put "that" look into the eyes of anyone I love, not for any reason, no matter how bad I feel. I never want to see that look on a human face again for as long as I live. It really concerns me that "T" wants to know how Mike felt in that last moment. I hope she is doing better and finding healthier and safer ways of grieving. Perhaps you could discuss this with her, and make a "no suicide" pact with her. Our loved ones obviously weren't considering the impact that their actions would have on their loved ones, were they? I'm sure part of it is that they didn't love themselves, and found it easy to believe that their deaths would have no impact on those that loved them. Perhaps they even felt that there would be no impact because they felt unlovable, no matter how many loved them, and how much they were loved by them. I know my sister was such an integral part of my life that many of my decisions in life were made around her, but I also know that she hated herself and really couldn't imagine how much I loved her because she felt so unworthy. Well, what can I say, I guess they know now just how important they were, how loved they were, and what a difference they made, though I must say, I hope that God shields them from seeing the pain that they have caused, I'm sure it would devastate them to see how much devastation they left behind.
Well Greg, I wanted to respond to you because what you wrote here was so eloquent and heartfelt that it deserves to be acknowledged, even in this lonely place. I will keep you in my prayers Greg, and hope that time will treat you kindly and bring easier days to you soon. Wishing you peace in your heart and soul, Mary Catherine