a new problem...

[Jason]

From time to time at home I feel like I am making bad decisions and that I have no control over them. Its almost as though I am watching myself make them and can do nothing about it. Later, I know I made a wrong choice that I now have to deal with.
I have done fairly well at work, everyone I work with has told me this.
Well yesterday I made a decision at work that may cost me my job, at the time I felt like I had to do it to make sure it was done. Then I had a co-worker telling me how wrong I was for doing it the way I did, the whole time I felt like I was outside myself watching and unable to feel anything about it. It was not until several hours later that I realized what happened and how I should have done it. The damage though had already been done and once again I regret what happened but there is nothing I can do about it. I am not sure what to do now, has anyone else had problems like this?
Today I am going to my family doctor to see if I can setup more counseling to find out why I feel detached & unable to control myself the way I do at times.

[Bereaved1]

Yes, Jason, I have had those experiences. Last December's on-the-spot brutal firing with no cause and no explanation, has left me wounded and almost completely blocked to go for another real job. As I pull myself together from a terrible wakeup this morning when my inner critic was punishing me for almost EVERYTHING! I have ever taught, I remember that I have gotten a lot of support from some of the speakers at http://www.hayhouseradio.com

Debbie Ford - http://www.debbieford.com/ who helps people with their shadow sides is especially helpful. My childhood parental bullies made me feel that everything I did was wrong and I was responsible for every bad thing that happened. I was a scapegoat. Because of the self-help I have been doing all my life, even as shattered as I feel today, I recognize that I taught the right thing at the right time under the conditions we were experiencing then. I should not judge the past from today's technology. Like Who knew?

My advice to you is do not condemn yourself completely about what happened at work. There might be a reason for doing what you did that will be revealed. We are supposed to trust our intuition. But, how do we know when we are trusting our intuition or acting from our shadow. The good news is that it is a dilemma that all humans experience. It is really wonderful to hear about how other people solve it. As I write to you today, I realize that Thursday was one of my days to teach in my last gig. So, my self-doubt was triggered by this former routine. WHEW!

I'm sorry you have a problem, but, I am very glad you wrote here today. I am sure that it will all work out at your current job or you will move on to a better job, having learned great lessons. You helped me a lot. Thank you. (((hugs)))

[psyquestor]

((((Jason)))) Yes, I had those experiences in the first year or so after losing my son. You hear that expression "beside myself with grief?" That's what it felt like. As if everything was happening around me; but I really wasn't wholly there; just a piece of me, watching from the outside. I eventually left my Management position because of this. I could not focus on the present and situations would develop around me that I was unable to take care of as I had before. Soon I couldn't remember important details (names, accounts, etc.) and so chose to quit my job and pass on the torch to someone more capable. I still struggle to cope in the work environment.

I am so sorry for your loss and the struggle you are having at work.

[Gregslovealways]

Jason,

I am sorry about your job loss, I will keep you in my prayers. I have also had the detached, can't stop myself thing happen as well, I was lucky though, the people where I work are great and have been very supportive and given me a lot of space for my odd behaviors (as they call them). I am seeing a counselor and he tells me that in time all of these things will get better, he does not ever say things will be "normal" again, just better. I hope that things will get better for you soon, and if you have not tried talking to a counselor you should find someone (even if just a close friend) to share how you are feeling etc.

[Jason]

Thanks to all of you for your support here.
Bereaved1 thank you for that info on debbieford - it seems interesting and might be well worth checking into. as i do tend to carry a lot of burdens from my life.
Gregslovealways, I like how you said they labeled them as your "odd behaviors."
psyquestor, that is exactly how I feel, one of my answers about my bad memory is to write down and document Everything. It has helped me thus far, especially when working with 45+ co-workers a day and customers.
I did end up setting up another meeting with a new counselor and then spoke to my boss at work. After talking it over with him he said that I still have my job but we will have to see if it gets worse. I think the effort I made to setup a meeting with a counselor helped turn the conversation. I also found out I did more than that one decision wrong but being honest and putting in the effort to fix it paid off. Now I just need to wait and see how things unfold!
Thank you all again for being here for me. It means alot to know that we can help each other.
I am including each of you in my prayers and sending you mental hugs!

[Bereaved1]

[Bereaved1]

Hi Jason, I just thought that reminding you that you need to lower whatever stress you can as you move through this memory problem phase of your grief. I found a great AARP article on nutrition at http://www.aarp.org/health/healthy-livi ... 7&USEG_ID= that is for us who are grieving at any age. I also need a lot more reading unrelated to work, sleep, rest, meditation and prayer - etc.

[angelseeker]

thank you so much for this post. i can completely relate and thought i was losing the plot. i have no short term memory to speak of since my gf shot herself, one year and eight months ago. and i feel detatched most of the time from everyone except my dogs. like i am walking around inside a tube of glass looking out at the rest of the world. i own my own business and times are hard. anyway ,i just wanted you to know you are not alone and my deepest empathies for this wretchedness you , we all , here, have to go through. love and light to you.