Unexpected Tragedy of father

Help teenagers who may have lost friends or famil members to suicide, in the hopes that they can find a safe place to discuss and share with each other.

Unexpected Tragedy of father

Postby Tdailey2 » Thu Jan 30, 2014 11:34 pm

I am now 18, an only child and I lost my father to suicide 2 years ago on June 21st. My parents divorced when i was about 7 because my father was an alcoholic an abusive towards my mother but he never dared lay a finger on me. I was his world. Sometime around my age of 13 dad became a huge christian and i found a new bond with him, it was something i genuinely looked up to. He became a respectable man by everyone and was loved immensely but always felt un-deserving. He lived the remainder of his life after the divorce alone in a rather large house my parents built together, now my house. On June 21st i came out of basketball practice and had a voicemail that changed my life from the man who found him. My father had dropped hints to me earlier in the weeks about what was happening but i did not understand. He took his own life by the end of a shotgun in the house my family built together. Shortly after my fathers death i was told he suffered from severve depression and bi-polar. Facts i should have been informed of well before the event.

My question to you all is many a few;
1. I feel as if my grandparents have never loved me like my cousins, but they have picked up on trying just so they can have what remainder of dad they have left. Is it wrong of me to not want to accept this love?
2. Is it disrespectful to not want the sympathy given to me?
3. If you have gone through this experience, do you find yourself in relationships where you feel people are tip-toing around you to ensure youre okay instead of just acting normal? does this upset you?
4. Do you feel like a burden to those closest to you?
5. Do you hide your emotions to better soothe those around you?

Also, i myself have sunken into a depression. I go to the therapist every week as well as take anti-depressant medication. My team of doctors have informed me that i show signs of bipolar and that both two diseases are hereditary. Mainly, i am scared of out my mind im going to end up living an unhappy life by choice and just want to see light at the end of the tunnel. self harm and talk ups do not help me anymore, but my faith is keeping me afloat.

If there is anyone who can relate to this, or a piece of it, please respond.
Thanks everyone!
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Re: Unexpected Tragedy of father

Postby BrownGirl1 » Fri Jan 31, 2014 2:17 pm

I can't relate to all of your story but I can relate to it. My sister committed suicide 2 years ago and I knew she was having the thoughts and I still couldn't stop her. She attempted 3 times and all 3 times I was the one who found her. I keep telling myself that maybe if I knew more or had gotten to her sooner I could have saved her but I now know that I could not have saved her. She had some demons in her that I will never understand and they overcame her. I miss her dearly and do anything I can to keep her spirit alive. I have joined a suicide prevention organization in my county to help raise awareness. I keep all my emotions bottled up because I don't want to open up with a complete stranger or with someone that can't relate to me. I hate it when people say I am here for you but when I wanna talk act like it is a huge imposition or they just stare at me with nothing to say, then I feel even more stupid for opening up. I would like to share my story with someone but I just don't know who. I have never been in therapy and my moms tries to make me go but I don't want to. I think its because if I go then it makes it more real that she is gone. I am not sure if this will help you but I still wanted to reach out to you and let you know that you are not alone.
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Re: Unexpected Tragedy of father

Postby cali » Sat Feb 01, 2014 2:07 am

Tdaily, I am very sorry for your loss. It is not disrespectful not to want the sympathy that is offered to you. What you want and what you don't want is probably beyond your ability to choose right now, given your circumstances. Most people don't have the wherewithal to know that they can choose what to want in the best of circumstances. What would be disrespectful would be to be rude or abruptly dismissive to people who offer their sympathy. Try to appreciate that they are acting out of care and a desire to be helpful, try to find a bit of gratitude for that, and find a polite response that protects you. You do not have to be available for what is not helpful to you, even if it is well meant.

There is wisdom in your post, wisdom that you may be hiding from yourself. You say you are scared that you are going to live an unhappy life by choice. Then, you must choose happiness. Choosing it means acting on it, doing things differently. One of those things is to be less judgmental of yourself and others. Another is acceptance. Accepting how things are and where we are is how we find out what the next steps are.

I can relate to much of your post. I lost my father when I was young. I have been very angry and distressed as a young woman, I felt people tiptoeing. I have hidden my emotions.

Always remember, you are not a burden. You are a human being who is finding her way, and you deserve to find it. What I have learned after many years, is that happiness is a choice made in the present moment. We make choices all the time. Learn from and forgive the not so wise choices. Thank yourself for all the good ones.
There is something called DBT, it is a course that teaches life skills, like how to be okay with how you feel about what is going on around you, and how to find the best way to respond in difficult circumstances, as well as how to choose how you want to respond. Maybe you can ask your therapist about it.

I hope that any of this is helpful. Like they say, take what you need and leave the rest.
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