Dear Aubrey- I am sorry for your loss of your precious Dad. My two oldest children lost their father to suicide, however, they were almost 12 and 13 at the time, so they knew how he passed. I did think immediately think that they'd wonder why they weren't good enough for him to want to stay. I addressed it early on, telling them, how their father passed did not mean that he didn't love them and it didn't mean that he didn't think they were a good enough reason to stay and if anything they were probably his main reasons for staying as long as he did while living with depression and whatever else might have been going on in his mind for some time.
I think Karyl expressed in her post to you, pretty much the way I'd explain what I've learned through the years about suicide and how it seems like those who attempt or follow through seem to be thinking at the time.
I've read many stories and spoke with many people, through the years who either attempted or were suicidal and there were certain things they said they felt, that their mind felt, one being that they loved their loved ones, especially their children very much and often they'd feel like their loved ones would be better off without them.
It's a really hard thing to try to put ones own thinking into someone elses way of thinking for a moment in order to understand. Especially, when someone elses way of thinking is something our own minds can't begin to comprehend.
I have no doubt that you were good enough but something was going on in your dad's mind, some type of imbalance that got worse with time. I know I'm making a generalized statement but it's what I believe in my heart and from everything I've learned over the years. It would seem that no perfectly balanced mind would come to such a point.
i feel that your Mom is trying to protect you. You were only 5 when it happened and since then she's been in protective mode. When my children's father suicided, ironically, a friend of mine was at my house when I got the call and my friend's sister was a psycologist. He called her immediately, she was about to board a plane to go to a convention. I told her how old my kids were and that there was no way I couldn't tell them that he suicided that they would hear someone say it at the funeral and when we were around the family. She agreed because of their age and told me I could tell them the method used is they asked but no details. I still haven't nor never will tell them the details, though their family's side did say alittle too much! My friend's sister, the psycologist, did say during that conversation, "if they were younger, like 5, I would tell you not to tell them he suicided!" My kids had tow cousins that were 18 mos and 5 at the time, naturally nothing was said to the 18 mo old he just kept saying his Uncle was sleeping and with the 5 year old the family told her he had been really sick and went to Heaven. So I do understand not telling you at 5 and then it was probably just like as time went on, "OK, how am I suppose to tell her now, how am I suppose to bring this up to her, is it the right age and when's the right time to ever tell her this?"
Thank You for sharing your story with us! Please feel free to come here as often as you feel you need to and are able to! If you would like to tell us more about your dad and your memories of him, we'd like to hear that, too!