Hi, I'm new here. I'm not sure where to begin. I lost a very special person on leap day 2016.
He was my first boyfriend. We broke up because we were so young, but then remained friends for years. Seeing each other here and there. In Dec. I broke up with a long term ex and this guys relationship ended as well. We started getting closer in January. Eventually he told me he wanted to respectfully build a relationship with me. But I had gotten out of a relationship so recently and then had gone through a traumatic experience. I started going to AA because I felt I needed to drink to cope. So I told him things were too fresh right now. That I wasn't stable at the moment. Still, we kept hanging out and growing closer. I will forever regret drinking so much around him and not actually BEING there with him. Although I was there for him in ways, and asked how he was often (he always said he was good, fine) I could've been a better friend overall to him
I remember being in my room and seeing the rope in his backpack, I believe some of his friends had seen it. Everyone had or saw clues but no one pieced them together until it was too late. And he usually had a ton of other weird things in his back pack. Like spray cans etc. so no one thought anything of it. He noticed me looking and said "You do know what that's for, right?" I now replay him saying that all the time. it haunts me. I raised my eyebrows, confused, and he made up an excuse. He changed the subject. He made it believable. He was laughing the whole time like it was a joke. I constantly blame myself for not pestering him about it, but honestly suicide never crossed anyone's mind. He was so funny, always laughing, never talked about himself being depressed. He would later use that same rope.
A week before his death we were suppose to meet but never did. He never called, and I thought it was a hint to leave him alone. I now believe he was trying to distance himself. I had a strong urge to call him the night before, but I never did. Coincidentally I happened to be wearing his shirt the morning I got the news of his death.
Before he did it he messaged multiple friends "I'm sorry" but he never messaged me. Looking back at the last time I saw him in person, a week and a half before his death, he said goodbye in an odd way. It was almost too special. He kissed my forehead and hugged me for a long time and said "goodbye my flower" He's always been the one who got away. I wish I could go back in time and tell him how strongly I felt for him. I would envision myself marrying him at times, and now all that's left are what if's?
At his memorial, a family member talked about his rare disease he apparently had for years now. Even his closest friends seemed surprised because he never went in depth about it. I knew he had stomach pain but I didn't know it was so bad that he'd need hospice at 19, and surgery every three weeks. His family said he chose not to tell his friends because he didn't want them to worry. That was the type of person he was. In his letter he explained his sickness played a big part, but the suicide was also because of depression. His family also said that it was found he had been planning this for an entire year. He hid it all so well. Him bringing up wanting a serious relationship with me, shortly after reconnecting was rushed and unlike him. Sometimes I think he was trying to find something to make him stay.
He would drive two hours and back to see me for for whatever amount of time he could. Out of everyone in my life his love was just different. Unconditional, selfless, so caring. He was kind to everyone he met. He lived a city over so I didn't have the chance to really get to know his friends, just have a few mutuals on Facebook. and my friends never met him. they don't understand. My best friend lashed out on me for talking about him so much three weeks after his death... I have ZERO support. People think everything should be okay by now. The days just pass and time isn't healing anything. I try to keep quiet to not cause stress on my family.. It's like a nightmare I can't wake up from. I feel helpless, I have so many things I want him to know. I desperately wish he would've gone through treatment. I miss him so much.
how have you all been coping? how does one cope?
RIP leap day 2016
Re: RIP leap day 2016
April, I'm very sorry for the loss of your dear friend. He sounds like a sweet and lovely person. You are in the early stages of loss and that is very hard. This forum has not been very active lately, and while it may be helpful to write here, and there is a lot to read that could also be helpful, I encourage you to find other support as well. SOS groups, a therapist or counselor, and books. There is also a much larger and more active forum and website for survivors of suicide, called the alliance of hope. The way to cope at first is one moment at a time, lots of water to drink, and to be easy on yourself, and rest when you can. It is true that people who have not suffered this kind of loss just do not understand what it is like, and when you are not an immediate family member, there is even less understanding. So you are on a good path, finding those who do understand because they have been through it themselves. I wish you peace, and healing, though it may be a while in coming. In the meantime, sending you a big hug.
cali
cali