My name is Evangelia,i lost my brother 4 ofAugust almost a month ago. He was in the army and he killed him self,38 yers of age.
I had never in my life experienced grief and i had to find out in the most cruel way.
So, here i am a month later battling with my pain and a rollercoaster of feelings, and i dont know what is "normal" any more or if im getting crazy.
I can't sleep without medication, i have a burning black sensation in my chest, i feel stressed and my stomach hurts.
Sometimes i get stressed even if i talk about it, and now everything seems dangerous.
I have some "good" days as well but those are rare and they require a good night rest.
I talked with my psychiatrist and he wants me to take antidipressives (seroxat) but i refuse to take them cos i'm terrified of the side effects, one of which is to have suicidal thoughts and maybe getting worse the first weeks..,i don't want to go worse that this!
Did anyone of you have gone through all of these emotions that I wrote,or am I going crazy?
If all this is "normal" how long is it expected to last?
I know that you are not professionals but can you please share your experiences of emotions?
I wish every one and each of you strength and courage if you are recently bereaved.
Thanks for giving me the chance to vent my thoughts.
I feel your pain in my chest as well. I hope you find peace in your heart and mind soon.
The first few days, months, years are difficult but it can get better.
Stay close with those you love and help each other together. I can tell you the physical and emotional pain I felt was like nothing else in my life. Because of it I did not feel stress at work, since I was already over whelmed with stress. It dissipated and concentrated to places in my body, heart, and mind which I have learned to deal with and let it out when I am up to it. Sometimes it can resurface and I had to learn to embrace it as a normal part of my life now. Which is one reason why I am here on this site still.
Find those that will just listen and that you feel comfortable talking to. Its difficult at times because people may say something that seems so wrong to us because they do not understand our situation fully. Take your time and feel it out how ever you have to, sometimes screaming beating a pillow or breaking down in the middle of the store is okay. Some of the best advise I was given when it came to my wife's stuff was to do nothing for a year and then go thru it when I felt ready (which was touch and go). Meds I was prescribed I used initially only to get much needed rest and reduce anxiety levels. We all are different, do only what you feel comfortable with and keep in mind that it is okay to be "off balance," as long as you are not being destructive to others or yourself.
SOS groups might be helpful too. Also the Alliance of Hope for suicide survivors has a very large website with many resources on it. Hold on, it will get easier.
Today is exactly one month ago that my brother passed away i have still bad days and nights mostly nights..the "if's" and "why's" and guild comes to my head and heart,and i end up making happy ending stories with my fantasy to prevent his death. Other days i feel a sence of normality again,but that makes me feel weird and guilty as well, is like my soul have been shaken in an emotional earthqueke.
I dont want to feel like this any more i want to make peace and forgive my brother, but is so hard at the moment.
I hope for all of you and my self , that one day we gonna be healed and the pain will turn to a sweet reminder of our loved one
love to all