What to do now?

An area especially for those who are newly bereaved by suicide. If you feel alone or need extra help, please let us know.

What to do now?

Postby WhyPunishMeGod » Thu Apr 16, 2015 6:47 pm

lost my younger son around two months back while he was living in college dorm. Still now the voice of dean of students who called on phone resonates my ear- "Your son so-and-so did suicide". My wife fainted and I could hold myself with great difficulty.
He was a junior student of engineering in one of the reputed Tech colleges in the US. He was staying in a single room in the dorm. Getting no response of phone calls and emails for three days, I called the college authorities opened his room and find him dead.
He was a bright student academically but was very shy. Even though we encouraged him always to shed off shyness, we did not take that too seriously. We knew that he is too sensitive, hence never talked loudly to him and also being a disciplined and obedient boy he never gave us an opportunity for the same. During winter vacation when he visited this year, he seemed to be very happy, calm and confident.
A journal was recovered from his room that he used to maintain since age 14 where he expressed his crippling shyness and inability of making friends. He developed some sort of inferiority complex as he was not good in sports and extra co-curricular activities. He wrote in the journal that he was suffering from depression for last 5 years. Back to school days, he used to look sad while having breakfast and we took it lightly assuming that he was sad as he had to get up early in the morning for school. He did not show any other sign of depression.
We were a happy family with no quarrels or no problems in the family, no monetary problems and with typical eastern value system with mutual respect for all family members. I wonder what might have gone wrong with him. Why he did not let us know his problem. I and my wife have always told him to express himself openly to us – bad or good. Now when we join the dots we find that his actions and talk sometimes indirectly implied his action that he was going to take like “ I will live in this city forever, I like the city very much”. He took picture of parents for the first time to hang on the walls, we thought he was becoming more mature.
We are totally devastated emotionally. I see him sometimes and the feeling is so real. He talks to me and it seems so real to me. I wonder if I am becoming mad. Two months have passed and we still cry loudly every morning and at night. I do not know how long I can pull on like this..
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