My 16 year old daughter took her life November 7 2014

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My 16 year old daughter took her life November 7 2014

Postby Cicimarie98 » Sat Jan 10, 2015 5:06 pm

Please someone tell me who is a good theapist in Overland Park Kansas. I cant handle this. I cant believe she is gone. I am screaming in my head cannot stop crying. How do you learn to breathe. This was so unexpected. I did not see this coming. I have tried counseling
She did not work out for me. Please tell me where to start.
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Re: My 16 year old daughter took her life November 7 2014

Postby cmarie » Sat Jan 10, 2015 9:27 pm

Oh sweetie, I am so very sorry you have lost your daughter. I lost my 16 year old son almost 4 1/2 years ago.

It is overwhelming. It Is hard to breathe.

There is so much I need to say to you- I am going to ramble...sorry. Take from it whatever fits and dump the rest.

stay in the moment as much as you can. When I start to look into the future without my boy, or look into the past ( and all the what if's) I get lost. I can't get out of my head, and I can't breathe. Think about today - this hour - this minute. Your only job right now is to get through each day one moment at a time. There will be the rest of your life to look at the future and the past- when you are ready. Not now.

Take care of yourself - whatever that looks like- grief is exhausting. For me that meant going back to work, to a job I love, people who care about me and the distraction.

Keep looking for a counsellor. I tried many. None were exceptional, but I believe I really only needed a listening, non judgmental ear. There are some good groups- Compassionate Friends is one, that might be helpful. No matter how hard it is keep looking for that connection.

You will survive. It's the worst and hardest thing I am still doing. I miss him so much, but I live my life. It is different now- I will never be the same- you won't either. The pain got gentler for me over time.

This is so new for you. I am so so sorry. I wish I lived close to you. I would sit and breathe with you- listen to you speak your daughters name aloud, and be okay with your tears .

Take care. I am thinking of you.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
cmarie
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Re: My 16 year old daughter took her life November 7 2014

Postby Cicimarie98 » Sun Jan 11, 2015 2:30 pm

Thank you so much. My daughter was one of the girls in Olathe Kansas that took her life. I came home from a work event and found her in the bathroom. She shot herself underneath her chin. She was a beautiful young girl. I am her mother how did I miss this? How do you get through this deep dark black thing called life. I loved her so much. I cant look at pictures. I am anxious and sick. How did you do it please please tell me. I am sorry to throw this out like a crazy person. I feel like I am.
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Re: My 16 year old daughter took her life November 7 2014

Postby cali » Mon Jan 12, 2015 4:09 pm

Cicimarie, I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I lost my son around 4 and half years ago. He was 24. cmarie's advice is good. I would add that you should drink a lot of water. For these first few months, your entire system is in shock. Treat yourself very kindly. Tell people who offer to help what you need,- you are the one who knows best what that is. Someone to go to the store for you, take you for a drive, or a walk, sit with you and have a cup of tea. This grief is hard, hard, hard, but it will soften with time. If you need help sleeping, get something to help you sleep, be it an herbal remedy or a dr.'s. I needed the help of prescription meds in the beginning. I no longer take them, but at first it was the only way I could function at all. Everyone is different, so you must find what works for you. One moment at a time is how we get through, and with lots of help, from friends, groups, councilors, family, forums, etc. I was a very solitary person when this happened, and I suddenly found that I could not survive without the support of others. As hard as it was, I had to reach out. People do not understand this type of grief if they have not experienced it themselves. Write here as much as you need, we will listen to you and respond when we can. You are not alone in this. Hold on, and know that we send you strength, and light, comfort and care.
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Re: My 16 year old daughter took her life November 7 2014

Postby Louise716 » Sun Jan 18, 2015 9:32 am

Cicimarie,

My heart aches for you, for I, too, have recently suffered the death, due to suicide, of one of my children. While we share the heartache of our children dying, you also have PTSD from the trauma of finding your daughter. I am soooo sorry.

Your original post was for a therapist in Kansas and unfortunately I cannot help you with that. Has your research since your original post turned anything up for a counselor? Do you have a local mental health chapter (NAMI) who could perhaps refer you to someone that meets your criteria?

It's only been 4 months for me. Feels like it's been for forever and yet it feels like yesterday.

The other posters who have more time in the healing journey have a lot of wisdom and hope to offer, but I thought since this is so new for both of us, you might like to hear some perspective from someone "just a little further down the road" from you. Included in this post are little things that have helped me to at least get to where I am today:

One thing I read, probably on one of these boards, is that NO day will ever be as bad as THAT day.

I like this quote I read from Rose Kennedy: "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

I can't address directly your question of how did you miss this - all I know is that that is one of the suckiest parts, for me, - all of the unanswered questions.

We have been blessed with lots of support. One of the things I told myself in the beginning, when I realized people were going to reach out in so many different ways, ... I told myself to say "yes" (and "thank you" ... ;) ) to those reaching out. One woman (who I only knew a little through church) extended to my husband and I to just come hang on the deck at her house in the country. She felt her deck offered a place of "calmness." Friends or neighbors you perhaps don't even know that well, may want to bring you a meal. Graciously accept. Shortly before Christmas, our priest sent an e mail and asked me if I wanted a "check up" - I didn't think I had any immediate questions but said "yes" and ended up talking to him for 1 1/2 hours. Mind you, it wasn't until my son's death that I really talked to my priest. We didn't just talk about spiritual issues.

You asked "How did you do it" - I had previously been hooked up with a counselor be/c of the situation with my son, but now I see her with more regularity. I write my thoughts on a notecard so that when I go see her, I don't forget what I wanted to talk about. I talk to my priest occasionally. Where I work, there is a chaplain and occasionally she will ask me "how I am doing." I know she truly does care so I run questions and thoughts by her. I also sought out a Suicide Survivor Support group in my community. Someone previously suggested to you drinking lots of water - I do try to do that, but find it surprising hard. I do try to exercise (walking) but haven't gotten back on track to before he died. I know understand more the importance of hugs, and appreciate those more. My muscles are sooo tight that I need to do a little yoga routine to try to loosen them up.

As cali stated - "treat yourself very kindly" - I get my nails done and go for a monthly massage.

As cali also said about sleeping ... I did get a rx for sleeping pills from my doctor. I took them regularly for about the first month and now only take them every now and then - it just depends on what's on my mind. (maybe a few times in a two week time.)

Like cali said, too - you can't do this alone.

A month or so after our son died, I started to talk to him while I was in the car. Kind of like when he was younger and when we were doing errands together. Sounds weird, maybe, but it works for me ... at this point.

I know what you mean about looking at pictures - looking at the photos of someone so full of life and then realizing he/she is gone. While it's hard to look at the photos and you can bet I cried more in the beginning when I looked at the photos, but in my opinion, crying is healing.

We do have a playlist we made for his visitation and I do listen to it often. Actually, often when I walk outdoors I listen to the playlist be/c then I feel like he is with me. Some afternoons on my day off from work when I was alone in the house, I'd play that playlist loud and perhaps a particular song really brought me to tears ... and SCREAMING at the top of my lungs! Thank goodness it is winter where I live and the windows were shut. ;)

This took a few months, but I try to find a brief period of time each day when I can just reflect on him. I am not always successful setting this time aside, but I try.

To reiterate cmarie: "I wish I lived close to you. I would sit and breathe with you- listen to you speak your daughters name aloud, and be okay with your tears."
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Re: My 16 year old daughter took her life November 7 2014

Postby Perrys16 » Mon Jan 26, 2015 6:11 pm

I am so sorry you lost your daughter. I lost my son eleven years ago. You have taken a good step toward support to get through. One second at a time right now. The best advice I got in the beginning was that it was too soon to feel better. I can tell you that it does not ever "feel" better but I had to start living with the way I felt when it happened. The feelings you have do not go away.....you just get used to living with the pain and sorrow. Easier said than done....It is still not ever going to be ok that he did this. That he took himself away from life. That he did not want to live. I still can not wrap my head around it. Sorry. Just wanted to let you know that I do care. It is the very worst thing to try to live with. I have been able to do so with a lot of good support from family and friends. I have been able to come to this board since it happened and get support or just read other stories and you do not feel so alone in your pain. The grieving comes naturally but all that crying is really bad for your health and drinking a lot of water will help keep your bones from creaking because a lot of tears are lost in this for a long time to come. Sending hugs.
Beth
Mother of Perry Atkinson, Jr. 9/7/87-10/21/03
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Re: My 16 year old daughter took her life November 7 2014

Postby Sassysab28 » Sun Jul 26, 2015 9:56 pm

I am going through the exact same thing you are, my 14 yo daughter had also shot herself on November 7, 2014 so I find this kinda ironic but it made my heart to jump in my throat when I read your post. I'm still trying to grasp the reality that this really happened, tried counseling but I escalated down a worse road than I was already on, so within the past week I finally found this website, but I am truly hoping to eventually find a way to be ok because I feel like I'm losing my mind. But I hope that you can find a moment in each day to just breath
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