Parents made a suicide pact, mom survived.

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Parents made a suicide pact, mom survived.

Postby Jay » Sun Oct 05, 2014 7:39 am

2 months ago, my parents decided to end their lives together.

My father passed away and my mother was in intensive care for 6 days, she is now in a long term facility, we are all waiting to see if she will suffer permanent damage.

it's been a really complicated 2 months. Being separated in between caring for my mother (I just turned 30 2 weeks ago, I was living 10 hours away, so I had to abruptly stop working, lose all my friends and move into their house) and try and grieve for my father.. me and my brother would mistakenly refer to both of them as dead, having to deal with the whole media thing on tv, the investigation, finally being able to see my dead father's body 10 days after.. preparing for funerals, trying to visit my mother.. who at the beginning was completely lost: kept asking where my dad was, and how he did it.
it's been a terrible rollercoaster ride, at the start I felt completely numb, I had to talk to so many people on the phone, be f*cking too mature for my age, comfort family, be strong for the sake of not loosing it myself and end up same place as my mom.

I'm starting to feel a bit more normal now, 2 weeks ago I finally started taking time just to think about my dad, and decided to visit my mom a little less often. (I would go every other day, but now I skip 2 days) I'm also seeing a psychologist every 2 weeks.

What keeps coming up, is.. how do you survive this? How does life make sense after all the dust settles down? How do you as a child ever get passed the fact that both your parents abandonned you: I've heard many times the fact that people who commit suicide don't think about their loved ones when doing it. I think I process the info.. but I will keep feeling abandonned for a long time.

After 2 months, all my friends lives are now right back into normal mode.. I don't have a job, I live in my parents house, in their town, I feel like they just stole everything from me. I know it's incredibly selfish to think that, but I don't really know where to start.. I've looked for jobs but I don't know how I'll do, If I even confidence anymore for a job interview.

Plus as if everything wasn't dramatic enough..now I have to take care of all the legal stuff, and it's VERY complicated with my mothers situation.
I'm rambling now... but thanks for reading this, at least, here I know I'm talking to people who might have a good idea of what I'm going through. Feels comforting.
Jay
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Re: Parents made a suicide pact, mom survived.

Postby Hurt » Sun Oct 05, 2014 3:37 pm

Jay, I'm so sorry for all you are going through right now. I'm glad your brother is there with you. It is hard to think that someone who has been in your entire life could just leave like that. I wish my Dad would have given me a chance to make things right and I would have , at any cost. It truly does shatter our lives into millions of pieces. I hope your mom will be okay and maybe she will be able to give some answers to you later.
The paperwork....it can be as stressful and confusing as the death. I re-did my 90 inventory three times for the courts. Had all the info. it just wasn't in the right place. But when I was filling the paperwork out no one there could help with where to put things. Oh well it's done now. But there will be lots of paperwork. Keep receipts and copies of everything that deals with either of them.
I do hope you find some peace in time. Right just take care of yourself and your brother. You are going to need each other. Thinking of you.
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Parents made a suicide pact, mom survived.

Postby Karyl » Mon Oct 06, 2014 5:17 pm

Jay,

I am so sorry that your father is gone, and that your mother is now in critical condition. You are so young to have such a heavy burden to bear. You've had to give up a lot, and you had to make major changes in your life directions. All of these things may be stress-inducing. Add to that the fact that the situation was apparently made public - gosh, that's so difficult.

The best suggestion I have for you is to write, talk, and allow yourself to grieve, but if you can find ways to sometimes separate from your grief so that you can live, relax, and even enjoy life, go for it.

Unfortunately, it's easier said than done to find ways to relax, but remember to take things one day at a time, one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time, if necessary. Taking life in small bits is sometimes easier than focusing on the whole journey.
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Re: Parents made a suicide pact, mom survived.

Postby erikamtz » Tue Oct 21, 2014 2:56 pm

Jay,

I'm so sorry for the heartache you've been through. It's not fair and you have every right to question things and be angry. After all, we don't get instruction books on how to deal with kind of stuff. Just know that here you can say what you feel and hopefully will get the support you seek. I'm sending you all my positive vibes and hope you continue to keep trying.

-E
Hope to be together again...love you
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Re: Parents made a suicide pact, mom survived.

Postby Jay » Sun Nov 02, 2014 5:16 pm

Hello!

Thank you for your replies!

A month later and I do feel a bit different. I have now moved out of my parents house. I signed a lease for 6 months on a small studio appartment and just being out of there makes a huge difference.

I can now spend time really grieving my father. I didn't go see my mother at the hospital for almost 3 weeks and that also gave me a good chance to take a step back and think about things, put things into perspective (I was going to see her ever other day, so I was just feeling very obligated towards her and felt like I was forgetting about myself in the situation)
I have also started seeing a social worker once a week. She helps me have different reflexions on the situation and gives me confidence in the tasks I need to take care of.

I don't write often here, but I read a lot and it helps me to cope, just by knowing that you guys understand what I'm going through.
Let's all stay strong, and my biggest recommendation for anyone grieving is to seek professional help. It is very different than just talking to friends, they have a very different insight and help pin point the best things to do to not skip important steps.

I heard somewhere this week that death is the end of life, but not the relationship ... I liked it, so I pass the thought on to you all.

Love
Jay
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Re: Parents made a suicide pact, mom survived.

Postby lainie » Sat Nov 29, 2014 7:36 am

Dear Jay..I am so glad to read that you are doing a little better. This time will give you some strength before the waves hit again. As time goes on the waves will stay out a little longer each time. I lost my son 6 years ago and the waves roll in still when I least expect them..but you learn to live with them and they become very cleansing. Thank you for sharing your thought..very true..my relationship with my son will always be..just different!

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Re: Parents made a suicide pact, mom survived.

Postby murderdecember » Tue Mar 03, 2015 11:58 pm

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. Please stay strong and remember that you are not alone. I hope that you are feeling a little better by now.
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