My only consolation is that she is with God and my sister now and is free from the demons that tormented her in this life. But we never saw it coming. In fact, she said she would never kill herself. I have some PTSD of the phone call from her boyfriend that found her. She had put a bag over her head and suffocated herself. What a horrible way to die. This torments me. Also, although we weren't speaking because of the theft, she called me that day for some information and she was very upbeat. Her boyfriend said they had a "good day". I want to know why and I guess I will never know. This torments me.
My only sister died at 36 from breast cancer. We were very close. It took me ten years to come to terms with her death. I am worried I will never stop crying. I am living on xanax and tears now.I can't stop thinking about her. Someone out there talk to me. I am getting counseling and am going to a group for suicice survivors next week. In the meantime, I just exist without feelings except despair.
I obsess about how I carried her in my womb for 9 months and how much I loved her despite the bad things she did. My only splice is that she is out of pain my my pain is just beginning, Jill
I am so sorry that you lost your precious daughter. Please try to eat, drink lots of water, and sleep as best you can. I know it's very hard, but please be very gentle with yourself. This forum has some very supportive people. Unfortunately, I'm unable to log in too frequently.
I lost my 26 y/o son in 2011 to suicide. He hanged himself
I am also in Florida.
My thoughts are with you today. I am so sorry that you have to experience this pain and loss and I hope that you can stay strong and take care of yourself. I lost my older sister almost three years ago. She suffered from a life-long battle with borderline personality disorder. I will never know the suffering my mother endured but I can understand that when you lose family, you truly lose a piece of yourself. The trauma you experienced is similar to mine in that my sister's boyfriend was the first to discover her and called me first as well. I still have horrifying dreams and memories about that phone call and then the morning after when we told my parents. As unusual as it seems I never wanted to let those memories go and I often obsessed about them. However as time passed, I learned how to live with that trauma in a more healthy way and accept it as part of myself.
When you said that your daughter was feeling upbeat the day that she died (or the day before), it reminds me of when my father attempted suicide. I remember he was very cheery that day and it struck me as being odd. I found out later that when someone is suffering for so long and they finally make the decision to end their life, it brings them a sense of relief and they often seem happy just before they take their life. It's like they know something better is waiting for them on the other side and they no longer have to feel the pain every single day.
I know my sister is no longer suffering. I know she is at peace. The only ones who are not are the ones left behind but it doesn't have to be that way and it certainly won't last forever. One day I will pass on and see her again and that brings me comfort. I think about the opportunities I've had to take this tragedy and find something positive in it even if it seemed impossible at first. Holding onto all the memories - the good and the bad, finding support from those who accepted me, and honoring her life by trying to help others suffering are all things that have helped me become who I am today. But take your time and be honest with yourself. This is YOUR journey and there are no rules or standard procedures or timelines.
Unfortunately suicide carries a lot of stigma. Don't let others make you feel anything you don't want to feel. If someone says something unwelcoming or insensitive, don't be afraid to speak your mind. No one has the right to judge you or treat you any different. People can be afraid of what they don't understand but that is not your fault and they should not be ignorant to your suffering.
Just know that you are not alone and that there will always be someone who is willing to listen, even if they don't have something life altering to say. In fact, most people won't know what to say but that doesn't mean they can't be a comfort. Sometimes you just have to tell them "it's okay if you're not sure what to say. I just need you to be here with me even if it's in silence".
Proud Army Mom
I thought I would lay down and die after losing my Son to suicide.
Instead I chose to fight the monster that killed him.
Hold On, Pain Ends
Your daughter sounds like mine. My story is a little different in that my daughter said she would commit suicide, and then she took off and we have not seen her in over 7 months. She has/had bipolar disorder and like anti-social personality disorder. She had seen a therapist who said she had "a personality disorder" but it seemed to be in dispute which one. In the end, it really came off as ASPD. She had two different psychological evaluations through the years that said she had the bipolar disorder.
I cry most days.
I am so sorry for all you are going through.