My 26 year old first born killed herself 3 weeks ago

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My 26 year old first born killed herself 3 weeks ago

Postby Jillgalusha » Thu Aug 28, 2014 12:48 pm

I am not functioning. I can't eat and have lost 15 lab. I am so depressed I just cry all day. She was very ill. Bipolar and a sociopath. We tried to help her but she thought she knew best and avoided our advice. She stole a lot of money from my mom for the upteenth time and my Mom put her foot down and decided to press charges this time. My husband and I never did. She was taking lots of Mollys and I suspect she crashed which sends the person into a very dark depression. I think that is when she did it.

My only consolation is that she is with God and my sister now and is free from the demons that tormented her in this life. But we never saw it coming. In fact, she said she would never kill herself. I have some PTSD of the phone call from her boyfriend that found her. She had put a bag over her head and suffocated herself. What a horrible way to die. This torments me. Also, although we weren't speaking because of the theft, she called me that day for some information and she was very upbeat. Her boyfriend said they had a "good day". I want to know why and I guess I will never know. This torments me.

My only sister died at 36 from breast cancer. We were very close. It took me ten years to come to terms with her death. I am worried I will never stop crying. I am living on xanax and tears now.I can't stop thinking about her. Someone out there talk to me. I am getting counseling and am going to a group for suicice survivors next week. In the meantime, I just exist without feelings except despair.

I obsess about how I carried her in my womb for 9 months and how much I loved her despite the bad things she did. My only splice is that she is out of pain my my pain is just beginning, Jill
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Re: My 26 year old first born killed herself 3 weeks ago

Postby MotherofGabriel » Thu Aug 28, 2014 3:15 pm

Hello Jill,
I am so sorry that you lost your precious daughter. Please try to eat, drink lots of water, and sleep as best you can. I know it's very hard, but please be very gentle with yourself. This forum has some very supportive people. Unfortunately, I'm unable to log in too frequently.
I lost my 26 y/o son in 2011 to suicide. He hanged himself
I am also in Florida.
Connie
Until I see you in Heaven, my beautiful boy. I will always love you, Mom.
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Re: My 26 year old first born killed herself 3 weeks ago

Postby Athena » Sun Aug 31, 2014 1:05 pm

Hi Jill,

My thoughts are with you today. I am so sorry that you have to experience this pain and loss and I hope that you can stay strong and take care of yourself. I lost my older sister almost three years ago. She suffered from a life-long battle with borderline personality disorder. I will never know the suffering my mother endured but I can understand that when you lose family, you truly lose a piece of yourself. The trauma you experienced is similar to mine in that my sister's boyfriend was the first to discover her and called me first as well. I still have horrifying dreams and memories about that phone call and then the morning after when we told my parents. As unusual as it seems I never wanted to let those memories go and I often obsessed about them. However as time passed, I learned how to live with that trauma in a more healthy way and accept it as part of myself.

When you said that your daughter was feeling upbeat the day that she died (or the day before), it reminds me of when my father attempted suicide. I remember he was very cheery that day and it struck me as being odd. I found out later that when someone is suffering for so long and they finally make the decision to end their life, it brings them a sense of relief and they often seem happy just before they take their life. It's like they know something better is waiting for them on the other side and they no longer have to feel the pain every single day.

I know my sister is no longer suffering. I know she is at peace. The only ones who are not are the ones left behind but it doesn't have to be that way and it certainly won't last forever. One day I will pass on and see her again and that brings me comfort. I think about the opportunities I've had to take this tragedy and find something positive in it even if it seemed impossible at first. Holding onto all the memories - the good and the bad, finding support from those who accepted me, and honoring her life by trying to help others suffering are all things that have helped me become who I am today. But take your time and be honest with yourself. This is YOUR journey and there are no rules or standard procedures or timelines.

Unfortunately suicide carries a lot of stigma. Don't let others make you feel anything you don't want to feel. If someone says something unwelcoming or insensitive, don't be afraid to speak your mind. No one has the right to judge you or treat you any different. People can be afraid of what they don't understand but that is not your fault and they should not be ignorant to your suffering.

Just know that you are not alone and that there will always be someone who is willing to listen, even if they don't have something life altering to say. In fact, most people won't know what to say but that doesn't mean they can't be a comfort. Sometimes you just have to tell them "it's okay if you're not sure what to say. I just need you to be here with me even if it's in silence".
Ozzy 7/3/1980-10/6/2011 I love and miss you big sis.
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Re: My 26 year old first born killed herself 3 weeks ago

Postby Jillgalusha » Tue Sep 23, 2014 12:14 pm

Thank you all so much for your replies. I am doing better now at 6 weeks. I find comfort in knowing she is out of pain.
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Re: My 26 year old first born killed herself 3 weeks ago

Postby Michaelsdad17 » Sat Jan 10, 2015 3:18 pm

I am new here but I also lost my 26 year old son, back in may 2014, he was such a kind, loving, confused soul, he would not even hurt a fly or bugs, he would always take the bug outside and release it instead of crushing or flushing it. He prayed alot, carried his bible which I now carry, and as I do pray much more than before his passing. He had just gotten a lead on a job which seemed positive for him, but my fears came true the morning I was called with the tragic news. I never would have expected even remotely thoughts of something ever happening like this ever. I am deeply torn in my soul, and have found myself very down, depressed, no reason to feel good, like life, hope, happiness, just memories of him flood my thoughts. He had a troubled adolesence and adult like but he was loved by his family thru the good and the difficult times, just truthfully misunderstood by many people. Drug use in the past probably made some of his actions worse, but he once told me that simple marijana made him feel "normal" but the influence of peers and improper use of much worse drugs changed his personna, infused in his mind delusions, and thoughts that led to paranoia and leading him to his choice. I am slowly myself emerging, not forgetting, and it is painful but I just keep hope and prayer daily, for my family, my son, and myself included, and now I include all of us here, the survivors, the families, moms, dads, siblings, and spouses left to grieve and wonder why. God Bless you and your family peace be with you always.
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Re: My 26 year old first born killed herself 3 weeks ago

Postby psyquestor » Sat Jan 10, 2015 4:04 pm

(((Jill))) I'm very sorry that you have lost your dear daughter to suicide. My name is Tammy and I lost a son in 2008. It took a long time for me to find some normalcy in life again. Gentler days are ahead. Our thoughts are with you.
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I thought I would lay down and die after losing my Son to suicide.
Instead I chose to fight the monster that killed him.
http://www.afsp.org

Hold On, Pain Ends
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Re: My 26 year old first born killed herself 3 weeks ago

Postby Rolleiflex » Wed Mar 18, 2015 11:51 pm

Glad to hear you're doing better. For me it depends day to day how I'm going to feel. Sometimes it seems like I understand everything and it seems fine, like maybe it's better because she's not suffering any more. As much as those days are allowing me to accept what happened, that's how badly the bad days make me deny and try to bargain away my grief. Thank you for pointing out how serious a reaction can be to finding out someone you love is gone. I've been trying to figure out my feelings that I had when her sister in law called me and told me she had killed herself. For me it was the worst thing ever, worse than getting in a car accident or a panic attack where I don't think I'm going to survive. It was as if someone was holding a gun to my face and I knew I had to say something but I knew there would be no way to say the right thing. I think my first reaction was to immediately reject what was being told to me, I almost wanted to say stupidly, "Why isn't she telling me this herself," or, "But she's okay, right?" I know, pretty dumb. But if we look at it closely, we can say that was the moment my denial started. I still haven't truly accepted what happened, I just kind of hover around bargaining and denial. I see her everywhere, and I want to call out her name but I know that truly would be crazy. What's hardest is knowing that I could have all the joy that she gave me again if I could only have her be here again. But deep down inside I know that's never going to happen. I guess that's how acceptance starts.
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Re: My 26 year old first born killed herself 3 weeks ago

Postby ribrit » Wed Jul 22, 2015 11:13 am

I am so sorry (((hugs)))

Your daughter sounds like mine. My story is a little different in that my daughter said she would commit suicide, and then she took off and we have not seen her in over 7 months. She has/had bipolar disorder and like anti-social personality disorder. She had seen a therapist who said she had "a personality disorder" but it seemed to be in dispute which one. In the end, it really came off as ASPD. She had two different psychological evaluations through the years that said she had the bipolar disorder.

I cry most days.
I am so sorry for all you are going through.
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