Three days after he was found, I chose to go to the site where my son died, hoping it might help me at least understand the surroundings and how it could have happened there. I was as nervous about going as compelled to go, and it nagged at me because there are always so many questions.
What I found was a surprisingly lovely, bucolic place, a peaceful, shady, secluded place with many birds singing, which was just the sort of place my son loved. It was a very large, parklike area with a locked perimeter fence and had I had never known this place existed and because of that, never would have looked for him there. Suddenly I recalled him telling me a week or so before about some really cool places he had found... and wondered if that was his intention all along, looking for a place in case he really decided to do it, possibly a place where he wouldn't be interrupted and have privacy.
The peacefulness of the place gave us some comfort, as sad and tragic as it is. My husband and I had made a small, white wooden cross at home with the name of our beloved son, with love from all his family and a Bible verse relevant to his lovely, kind and loving soul and we love him soo soo much. We placed it on the outside of the perimeter fence along with a flowerpot of white roses, a tribute to him and commemorate his last moments there, as sad as they are, since his funeral and burial have still not been accomplished. This also brought peace to us.
I can relate to the person who said they laid down in the place where her loved one's body had laid. I think I'd do the same thing.
I know others in the family might feel differently about the place, but before I saw it I wasn't sure if I could handle it. I know I have lots of grief work to do, and like probably most of you, deal with terrible feelings of guilt about what I might have done to avoid this ever happening, all of the why's and what ifs are terrible torture, and so many things that trigger me and make me fall completely apart, but this was surprisingly much more healing than I expected because thankfully, this place was lovely. I know for many and maybe most others, those places are not or are more problematic for a variety of reasons.
There was another reason I felt I needed to go and also was afraid to go. My son was found in the water at this place, and since then anytime I have seen water I have felt the trauma and shock hit me again and I know I need to get over it. Just seeing photos of my son in a family member's pool provoked the same reaction, and so I was hoping that by facing it, it would help. Well, it seems to have helped a bit, but water in general still is upsetting to me
Thank heaven that a couple of weeks before, I started seeing a therapist, so it won't be like having to start from square one with a professional. I hope all of you can get the help you need also. I'm so grateful for this forum and for the help available here 24/7.