first day back at work

[lyn]

I returned to work yesterday 3 weeks after my husband's death. I was a zombie. My co-workers were gentle, but as the manager of this hospital department my 3 weeks off resulted in many tasks needing to be done; over 300 emails, employee review due, etc. etc. My therapist has me working 3 days for the first 2 weeks I am back. My HR department also said I could take continuous leave without pay (FMLA) if I needed to. I am home today and realize there are no good choices. The pain remains constant. The initial total shock of finding my husband when I came home from work that Monday evening seems to be entering into my mind as I don't feel it is unreal or a bad dream. My husband's notes to me reveal that he had been planning this for almost 3 months. Another instant of seeing no way out of his pain and depression. I don't know how he could have kept it so hidden from everyone. Had lunches with friends and family and seemed fine. Had our 48th wedding anniversary 2 days before and enjoyed the dinner out or seemed to. His note told me he knew it was selfish but he was so glad he got to celebrate our anniversary and thanked me. I don't understand. He was 68 and felt his best years were behind him. Semi-retired and I was still working; just the way economics worked out and working a couple of more years to ensure a better retirement. And now I feel I shouldn't have left him alone so much. Sometimes men that have been in a successful career don't do well with so much time on their hands. I don't know. I don't have answers only regrets. How can you be so close to a person and they are able to lie and hide what is really going on? I had often said I hoped I died first because I didn't know if I could make it without him. And yet he left. He was a great Dad and my grown son and daughter are shattered. No clues, no insight. I don't know if pushing through at work is best, or staying home and trying to process. On medication to help because no one is ready to go back to work 3 weeks after a loved ones suicide.

[psyquestor]

(((Lyn))) I'm so glad that you are able to work part time for a few weeks. Plus the added knowledge that you can take a FMLA leave, is helpful too. It can help you to not feel so much pressure (you know it's there if you decide to use it). I know that things are overwhelming with so much work to be caught up on. For me, it actually helped keep my mind off finding my son, but the amount of work I had to do seemed endless. Oh that horrible picture of Brian crept in anytime I was idle - especially when I was driving. Those flashbacks were so horrible and I questioned my sanity constantly. Now I realize it was my mind trying to make sense of something it couldn't comprehend. There were no answers for me, only that constant rewind that my mind would go through. I kept lists so that I would feel like I was getting somewhere as I crossed each task off. Mind you, I didn't put down everything at once. That too felt paralyzing; how would I ever catch up?

I promise that those thoughts will retreat in time. For me it has been three years and although there are times it is still there (the image), it doesn't happen nearly as often. When it does I have to focus on something else. For me, reading helps. I couldn't in those early days - nothing would stick - I'd read the same paragraph over and over and still not make sense of it. That's when I started reading books I had already read through. At least that way parts of it made sense.

My thoughts are with you Lyn. Be gentle with yourself and don't press yourself too hard. Slowly things will come back together.
(((big hugs)))