My son is gone

[cali]

i think shock is pretty universal, physical, mental, emotional- the body and mind go into an alternate mode, the event reverberates in a way, we are off balance, numbed, disbelieving, zombified, puddles. sleepless, automatons who walk a jagged edge. I have felt like I was beaten up, skinned alive, rendered catatonic or hysterical as the day decided. shaking with anxiety or completely exhausted. yes, i think that is shock, what you write of, and yes, the three month period is often very difficult.
i don't think we really see ourselves until we look back, several months later. shock, just a label after all that. the important thing is to be nurtured, treat yourself gently. your son would want that for you.

[DebbyG61]

Perhaps you're right. I think of shock as that state when you're cold or about to pass out....like I was the night it happened. I fell down when the deputies told me he was dead. I don't even remember large chunks of the next 12-18 hours---total black out. But now I am disoriented. I don't sleep unless I medicate. I don't eat, then get ravenous and eat a lot. Then I get sick from eating too much. I feel pretty normal, then something happens and I break down crying or just get furious. I used to read alot but now I can barely make sense of one paragraph. I want to get out and do something, but I don't want to leave the house. I have things I need to do, but I don't have the energy to do them. I am alternately between loving and missing my son dearly, then absolutely HATING him and yelling at him for doing this to all of us. His sister is having a baby this week and he put us in this grief during what should be a gloriously happy time.

If it gets worse at the 3 month mark, or any mark for that matter, I don't know how I'll deal with it. I'm barely hanging on now.

Debby

[cali]

Debby, I am so sorry that you must go through this. It is just hard, but with help and support, and a place like this to express ourselves, we somehow find our way through. Earlier you asked what you can do now. I too was unable to read much of anything. There are some good books on surviving suicide, my favorite is "Out of the Nightmare" by David L. Conroy. I still haven't read the whole thing. There is also a website developed by a mother who lost her son to suicide last year. She put an enormous amount of resources into it and it is quite large, with many different viewpoints and perspectives in many areas of survival: http://www.suicidefindinghope.com. I hope these might be helpful. I would encourage you to get out of the house with a friend who will drive, sit with you and talk or be quiet as you wish. Just go for tea, or a walk or to a dumb movie. Or just drive. Even though the 3-4 month point can be very hard, it is also a time when we begin to really let ourselves feel. It's important to do that, as well as to have lots of support. Remove yourself from what is not supportive, and make sure you have what is helpful in place. See how it is with the new baby, and your daughter. But don't try to do it all, let others contribute. If you can find a good counsellor,then that's invaluable. We all seem to have some degree of PTSD from this. EMDR has proven pretty helpful with ptsd. Go at your own pace, you can't push this. When I first went to an SOS meeting, i couldn't talk. I didn't want to be there. i didn't go back for a long time. But eventually I did, and it was a safe, supportive place.
I'm so sorry Debby. I'm holding you in my heart.
cali

[psyquestor]

[somehow posted twice - remove if possible please]

[psyquestor]

Debby, You said I used to read alot but now I can barely make sense of one paragraph. This is an example of being on overload. The shock we speak of includes this symptom. Too much, too soon and unable to process it all. The ''missing time'' is also a symptom that is normal. It may come back in bits and pieces over time or may never come back. We were facing too much at that point and we just shut down.

It has been nearly three years for me and there are blocks of time and information from those days that is out of reach to me. I use the term "beside myself with grief" because that's exactly how it felt. Like things were happening around me but I was "outside" myself. . . not wholly in touch with some of it. My focus was on my son, my beloved child, laying there in need of something I couldn't provide. My every thought was getting him that help.

There will be bad days ahead. Be strong. It's like riding waves in the ocean, it comes upon you and sometimes you can rise above it. Other times it comes crashing down on you. Just know that after some time it will get a bit easier to bear. You will smile again and have good days too. (I never believed that was possible at first, but here I am having occasional good days).

((((hugs))))

[TRmom]

Hi Debby,
I also just lost my son Aug 22nd I feel your pain. It's only been six weeks for me so the only advise I can give so far is just take one day at a time. I know the feeling of waking up each day and realizing yes it's true. My heart goes out to you.

[Morgan164]

My brother shot himself in the head as well. When he took off in his car that monday we all thought he was just somewhere trying to overdose on pills. Even when we got the call the next morning saying he was found and alive gave me so much hope. I even remember starting my car to go to the hospital and saying out loud "Oh boy Clint God has another plan for you; it's not your time not today!" Then hearing the devastating news crushed me. Seeing him on life support is something I really don't want to think about. I feel for you so much dear. What made me feel better is to just spend time with your family. They are all going through the same thing. This is also a time to reconnect with family members and friends you've lost touch with. Don't do this alone support is a big deal. It's going to be difficult and take your time, but sometimes getting back into a normal routine helps. For me going back to work felt normal, but of course still hard at times. Don't get too busy though. That is not a healthy way to grieve. I am here for you we all are. Bless you and your family.

[Jackiesmomlynn]

dear Debby, I rarely respond here but something about your post touched me deeply. first of all, I am so incredibly so sorry for your loss. my beautiful 30 yr old daughter hung herself on April 20 in a state park here in Ohio. We all thought she had a perfect life...but she did suffer from depression. NOTHING can EVER describe the loss, NOTHING. I understand how incredibly painful this is. I do know she expected us and her 2brothers to carry on. I believe she COUNTED on it. I stayed in your state of mind for 7 months. Depressed horribly, bad memory, unable to focus on anything for more than a few minutes, anxiety....so bad! I questioned my faith in the other side out of fear for my daughter.....horrible, horrible times. finally, after fairly frequently considering suicide myself to escape the pain, I went to see a physiotherapist specializing in suicide survivorship. I strongly recommend any one feeling no relief go! They have spent years listening to us, the ones left behind. Nothing seamed to surprise her. She has been seeing me once a week for almost 2 months now, and Wow! I see so much now....I still breakdown, but no where like I did. I am healing with help....a quiet place to go away from my boys, husband, sisters to quietly seek peace. I highly recommend it for everyone who hurts horribly with no relief. It is SUCH a personal loss...I believe it needs special care. Please know I believe your son is so in peace...in the light and moving forward until you are together again in the other side. I did find a great book called " I'm not dead, I'm just different". VERY helpful to me. I pray for your peace and continued healing. You CAN get through this, just stop the stopwatch.....be patient and TALK to tou son, I do believe he can hear you, just as God and your angels do!

[lionne]

Debby, My son Josh shot himself on October 21 so I am in the third month of grieving. I don't think I realized how much shock I was in during the first month. I had a burst of energy to deal with all the things that had to be done like cremation and an attorney because he had no will, and going through all his papers and belongings in order to see what bills needed to be paid etc. It gave me a certain relief to be in his house doing the laundry, like I was taking care of him in some way. But at the same time I would find myself standing in the middle of a room trying to remember what I was just doing. Now the numbness is wearing off like someone said above and I'm realizing that others in the family and friends are moving on while I still feel so very sad. It makes me kind of angry sometimes though I understand it. Try to get enough rest even if it means sleeping during the day, and eat enough. And try to connect with people every day and get out of the house. That's what's helping me through so far. Love, Andrea

[lonelymom]

My son intentionally overdosed on fentenyl 3/07/11. My husband and I found him on our bed. I can only advise you to take care of yourself while you journey through this unbearable grief. I have diabetes that was controled with meds. It went sky high ( off the chart, literally) after Jeff's death. It was my body's reaction to the stress. I am now on insulin. So, yes you may have both physical and emotional reactions to the trauma. I felt destined to despair but everyone tells me it gets easier with time.