I'm starting to find it to harder and think for the first couple of weeks I was in shock and probably still am. I am obsessed with finding out and investigating the way in which he took his own life. I didn't think this would be me sitting here on the couch reading and reading to get comfort and now writing about it. Our Grandfather killed himself when our Mum was only 2 and then our Uncle on 9 January 2007 a day before my brothers birthday.
I just wish he didn't do it, wish I could get one more hug, one more smile, one more laugh, one more joke and a lot more.
He leaves behind his son whom will be turning 1 on 8 November. I bought a cot today so that I can babysit him.
I understand that the forums aren't that active anymore but am seeking some comfort if others at the moment are thinking of the how they did it, the images, the pain, does this get harder? The feeling of guilt and blame.
If anyone still visits please let me know. I appreciate your time so much. Feel so alone in a sea of family and friends.
Nature helped me, and this forum also helped a lot. After almost a year I adopted a rescue dog, and then another. There is another forum too, the Alliance of Hope, that is much larger and more active than this one is now.
What time gave me was perspective, that the terrible shocking day was one in a life that held many beautiful moments, of jokes and hugs and smiles. I remind myself to choose those moments to honor his memory with, while accepting that this happened and it hurts so much, I have many memories to cherish. I feel close to him when I go to those memories, and think of how he would respond to things these days, if he were here.
The pain, the guilt and blame, the images that can seem to come unbidden, are all common occurrences with this type of grief, i.e. complicated grief. Some of us have found EMDR useful, especially with flashbacks and obsessive thoughts.
Please know that you are in the hearts and minds of all of us who read here, whether we post or not, you are not alone.
It has been 4 years (October 23-12) when my brother took his life. It would be the hardest loss I've ever experienced.
I felt a lot of guilt, pain, and anger but have since come to the conclusion that I can not turn the clock back. I still do I wish I could, but I can't. My guilt will never go,away. I will miss my brother forever.
You are in my heart and mind.