My Son Daniel Took His Life, My Life ended That day too

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My Son Daniel Took His Life, My Life ended That day too

Postby mandymayyy » Sun Apr 10, 2016 8:55 pm

My son Daniel killed himself on November 13, 2014. I shot himself in the head with his prized .45 I was completely against him having this gun because he had tried to hang himself 5 years before this. Even though I was positive we were past that which by the way was very very hard to get past. I knew him having easy access to a gun just wasn't a good idea. I didn't find out my son had died for 14 hours after he died. He killed himself in front of his girlfriend. I have a lot of, I don't want to say hate or even dislike, I guess I'm just not happy with the way she has done things or the choices she has made. I understand her calling her mother first but I should have been the very next person contacted. It shouldn't have taken her 14 hours to call me. I still to this day don't know all that happened leading up to his death. She has Todd me is none of my business. My son and her lived together so all of his things were obviously there at there house. She has not given me one single thing of my son's.,I asked her what his last words were and she told me that it was none of my business. I haven't talked to in quit some time even though I regularly send her messages. I have not one time said anything at all negative or anything. I'm trying to be patient and hope that she will come around. So that situation has been pretty difficult. The day my son died I changed into a completely different person. I don't think I will ever be genuinely happy ever again. I don't think I will ever be able to just laugh out loud. Each day passes and I'm just existing. I don't want it to have been a year and a half since it happened. I don't want time to keep on going. A lot of the time I am consumed and obsessed with Daniel. Constantly reading his Facebook all day long doing nothing but sit on the couch and literally do nothing but think about him morning to night. Has is gotten easier no but it gets different I don't cry as much. I use to be able to cry and talk about him and talk about how sad I am. But no one really wants to hear it and I started questioning if I was crying and talking about it all the time was what I was doing was just trying to get people to feel sorry for me? So now I keep it all in and try my hardest to pretend im ok. But I'm not. I am failing at the grieving process. Death is very very inviting for many reasons. But when a parent committs suicide there children are 50% more likely to kill themselves and that's just not a gift I want to give my children. But honestly I do feel mostly dead already.
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Re: My Son Daniel Took His Life, My Life ended That day too

Postby briansfolks » Mon Apr 11, 2016 6:30 am

Dear MandyMayyy,

We also walk in your shoes. You are welcome to research some of our (my wife and I) posts. For us it has been over 4 years now, yet each day we struggle.
I cannot provide you with a source of strength because it is not always where you look for it. You did not mention the police report but for us the information in it helped some yet it exposed a sloppy investigation.
It appears that you were very wronged by your son's girlfriend and the police by not being contacted at that time. We learned about our son's death from a family friend listening to a police scanner, but we arrived at the scene to not be allowed into the house yet our son's wife's family did enter.
Our relationship with our son's wife is not strong but we continue to request to visit with our grandchildren each week and lately that is not going well.
There are several tools that I loaned my son because he was fixing up their home that I pretty much wrote off because the last time I was there it was to clean up the scene where he died. To me my loss of loosing him is much greater than any earthly item.

You are right for the most part, you will not be the same person as before, but as you work through the stages of grief a new understanding may surface, for us it was NOT in a form of being OK with what happened. Your friends may think that you "need to get over it" "and move on" but that type of advice is very wrong and rude even though they are trying to help you, they simply do not understand. The questions continue each day, we still look for answers. Blame and hurt and a bunch of solutions emerge as ways of getting a grip on it present themselves as options, but in reality.....nothing can fix this.
My wife and I lean on each other daily to confront the grief, some days it hits me with a ton of bricks and she sees this. She cries every day still. There is no light switch for you to feel better, it will only happen if you work THROUGH the grief, the stage of anger is still where I am.
We went to a compassionate friends meeting, only to realize we needed something stronger, we went to a few mental health meetings since our son's wife mental issues were an issue, we went to the Child Protection Services in regards to our grandchildren, just about everywhere we thought we could reach out for help. You are right, after awhile friends do not know how to help and tend to avoid talking to you, I think it is because they are confused. Nobody understands that healing from this is slow and scars are on the inside.
Our pain will cease when we die, but for now we must continue on for others that look to us for strength. I send you strength for today. BriansDad
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