Tom and I were married 21 years. We have 3 children. Girls 19, 16 and a boy that is 8. Tom was 46 when he passed.
He was having problems at work, we had some marriage problems, what couple doesn't from time to time? And he was going through some anxiety and depression and having trouble sleeping. The doctor put him on Trazadone and had just increased his dosage. Tom had asked me to read the side effects of the drug, I did. But being that this was not our first go around with this, I didn't dream that he was hinting that suicidal thoughts as being the side effect that he was hinting at. I thought it was the sleeplessness, nervousness etc. I was so wrong. We had a fight just before it happened, I call it the "incident". I said some not-so-nice things to him during our fight. I found out that before our fight, he gave our middle daughter a long hug, she said that it was to the point of being uncomfortable. He also told her before that he'd rather be dead than divorced. I hadn't asked for a divorce, we were just having another rough patch.
So what happened was, we had our fight that we had countless times. I said something not so nice to him and went downstairs to prepare to take our daughter to her friends house. I was supposed to leave in about ten minutes. So I started loading the dishwasher. Both the 16 year old and 8 year old were home. I heard a thud-thud. Wasn't sure what it was so I went upstairs and said, "Tom, what was that?". No answer. I looked in the master bedroom, and said "Tom?", went into the kids rooms, nothing. I then found him in the master closet. He had shot himself in the head. The blood was all over. The smell was rancid. I called 911, they wanted me to check for a pulse. I knew he was dead and didn't know how to check. The police, paramedics, coroner and detective all came over. I was questioned by the detective.
So, here I am, a month out. A 45 year old single mother of three. I still have melt-downs every day. The smallest things trigger it. Walking through work, a song at church, grocery store, looking at a facebook post, you name it, everything reminds me of him. I have flashbacks daily of the scene. I cry from sorrow. I feel guilty. I get angry. If he wanted to hurt me, I can understand. If he hated his job so bad, why not look for another job. But why, why, why leave his babies? It angers me so much that he did this to them. Why? Why? Why?
It has been 2.5 years for us already, this is like a huge wave that comes and goes however I just want you to know that it will get better, you and your kids will get better even though you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, you will learn to live with it.
Sending you a big warm hug.