Finally 'gotten round' to posting on here. I have isolated myself from people more and more since my brother died. I joined this forum to find people who understand maybe what I'm going through. I hope we can all support eachother.
I have PTSD, depression, anxiety.. since a young age. I was raped when I was 15 and experienced a string of abusive relationships with people. I find it hard to trust people or let go around others so this makes bereavement really difficult.
I feel like I am in a dark place at the moment. I feel very alone now my brother is gone. I don't see the point in much of life. I feel very torn up about everything.. My brother was only 21 when he climbed out of his window, walked a few minutes from my house, climbed up onto the train tracks, and held his hands out in front of a moving train.
He was battling with drug addiction and his own mental health problems for a few years... He was in and out of hospital but last year he was clean for 5 months as he went to rehab only to leave a month early the first half of last year. He relapsed a week after coming out of rehab. He then made himself homeless for a couple weeks.
I brought him food, water, a tent, and a sleeping bag. He refused to come home. He was very angry and blamed my parents and me for things which was upsetting. The night he died he was discharged from hospital and deemed 'mentally sound' despite taking a large dose of crystal meth about 3 days ago, combined with the downers they gave him at the hospital to calm in down... this was one comedown too many for him.
I feel a lot of guilt. I wish I had been kinder to him those last few hours of his life. I will never forgive myself for just giving him a cigarette or agreeing to get fish and chips with him. I feel like I don't deserve a brother and that is why I no longer have one. I'm an only child now. I feel immense pressure from my parents, so much so I struggle to just be myself and do what I think is best.
I have a lot of anger and upset surrounding these events. I hope with time I can talk more and feel better.
Thanks for reading.