i lost my father in June

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i lost my father in June

Postby Ainsley » Fri Feb 13, 2015 7:11 am

Seven months ago my father hung himself in Leigh woods. at first I couldn't sleep, kept getting gruesome images of his death and struggled to do anything. I threw myself into work and it helped to distract me. Everyone was very supportive. Its been seven months now and, though I have had six sessions of bereavement counselling I have not moved on. I think I have just cut out the part of me that felt so shocked and broken. My sister has ordered beautiful memory lockets for us, written on Facebook and supported my family. But I feel as though I am just walking behind everybody. Not doing anything. I have become closer to my family as a result, but also find it easier to be distant from them and distract myself. I want so desperately to do well and succeed and make my family proud, but I also want to grieve for my father.

he suffered from Bipolar disorder and struggled his whole live, dealing with so much loss and death. He was having a high episode when he killed himself, which was why we were all so shocked, but the saddest part was; after his death we were told that suicide is a constant risk with bipolar disorder. But as his children me and my sister never thought that that would happen to him. I felt so much guilt after he died as he had mentioned (in what we assumed to be dark humour) suicide. I saw him the night before he did it. he came round my house late, acting strange and left. I promptly called my sister to get him an appointment with his psychiatrist. But the next day I had a call from the police, and a part of me knew he was dead right then. I believe that everyone hear will know what I mean when I say everything is different now. everything good or bad is tinged with this loss. this dad shaped space were he was. Thank you for reading this I am glad to have found this forum.
Ainsley
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Re: i lost my father in June

Postby lindzaytie90 » Thu Dec 31, 2015 7:42 pm

Ainsley, reading your story has hit VERY close to home. My dad committed suicide via hanging, also in the woods, also in June (fathers day to be exact).. I know how you feel when you mention thinking about the violent way in which he died. I struggle with those same thoughts on a daily basis. I was tourchering myself with the question "how bad did he suffer?'.. I asked myself this question so many times that I decided to call the medical examiner that exumed my dad's body. I was judged by my mother for making that contact, she felt that my actions were " morbid' as she so bluntly put it. But I had my reasons... So I went ahead and made that heartbreaking call. I HAD to know, it was eating away the very depths of my soul & I couldn't have closure without having asked the difficult questions. As it turns out, death by hanging is one of the quickest most peaceful ways to go.. They hardly realize it's happening unlike the graphic scene our minds expects it to be. I don't think having this information made me feel any better.. I'm still horrified and brokenhearted in a HUGE way.. But at least I can know that his last moments weren't painful & he wasn't filled with terror and anxiety. As far as suffering, I think any person who commits suicide suffers mentally for a long time before choosing what they inevitably choose in the end - I can say pretty confidently that my dad is done suffering now. God love you sweety, wish I could tell you it gets better - but unfortunately it doesn't. We just learn to live around the fact. Hugs! Your certainly not alone.
lindzaytie90
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