I miss my Daddy

[ShannaCarver]

Hi everyone. My name is Shanna. I was so incredibly grateful to find this group because even though I am reaching out for help in the forms of counseling and a grief group at my church, I have learned very quickly that even people who understand grief do not necessarily understand grief that comes from suicide. It is the most isolating thing I've ever experienced.
I lost my dad three weeks ago today, on March 17. He struggled with depression and prescription pill addiction for about the past 10 years but I never expected this to happen. I am his only daughter, but I do have three brothers that are grieving his loss as well.
I basically feel like I have a hole inside of me. I am getting to a point where I will be going about my day and not thinking about it. Then something will happen-a song will come on the radio, I'll see something he liked, maybe nothing at all will happen-and it hits me all over again that my Daddy is gone. The feeling is similar to taking a brick in the face. I was close to him. We used to talk for hours on the phone. I miss his voice, his laugh, his smile. I miss getting a text at 2 am asking me if I'm awake. I miss just knowing he was there. I don't know how a daughter ever gets over the feeling of abandonment knowing that her father chose to leave.

[insearchofpeace]

Shanna...I am so very sorry for the loss of your Daddy. This forum is a true lifesaver in facing this difficult journey. Here, we are not facing it alone - in that isolation you have described. This is still so very new to you and you are still in shock (big hugs)...please remember to do the most basic of self-care right now...like drinking lots of water, eating when you can, and lots of rest. I lost my Dad to suicide last April 19th. Almost a year into it and for me - it has become more 'tolerable'...but my family circumstances have prevented me from finding any true movement forward I feel. I hope you and your remaining family can be there for one-another.... Oh that 'brick in the face' feeling....*ouch* That early grief is truly unbearable...and yet somehow, we survive and move through it. It will 'ease' with time Shanna... Your emotions are going to feel like a scary roller-coaster ride for awhile though...from moments of utter sadness to anger to 'acceptance' to disbelief and back again...over and over....and many find the 3 month mark to be a point where the initial 'shock' wears off and the true 'reality' sets in. Shanna....I know I struggle(d) with the feeling of abandonment and feeling as though that 'choice' was made to leave us...but I have to believe my Dad as well as yours could no longer see their lives as having options or choices...all they could see towards the end was their inner pain - and only one way out of it... : -( Oh Shanna...I wish I could make this better for you...but just know you found a place filled with some of the most caring and compassionate people who are all travelling this long and hard road beside you and with you. Love and Peace to you....take care..x

[ReneeM]

Shanna, I feel like you can actually understand me. My dad passed on the 27th of March...i to am his only daughter. It's very comforting knowing that i'm not the only one. thank you for sharing.