? grief manifesting in my body

[aidensmom]

Hi folks,

My son, Aiden, killed himself April 22, 2010. He was almost 18.When I first found out I fainted every time any one came into the house - every time the idea that Aiden was gone crossed my mind. It took me down hard for about 4 months - took me that long to stop saying 'no, it just wasn't possible, not acceptable - I just wouldn't have it'. The loss, the grief was/is so profound. Then, because I had to, I got back to work, picking up my life, trying to figure out how to go forward. I tend to put my emotions away but that wasn't possible. Not what I wanted either. Still wanted that connection to him even if it was so terrible.

Since then I have worked pretty consistently, trying to put things in my life to support my recovery in a healthy way. Exercise, interactions with great friends, started meditating. We started a fund in my son's name to help with bullying in high school. Seemed to be working fairly well. But...

I am coming up on the second anniversary and I realize that my anxiety about it is growing. And I seem to be manifesting the stress in my body. Chest pains mostly. Went to the hospital to get it checked out and everything was normal...I have read many of the posts on this site and I have done many of the things recommended to help survive losing your child. I feel like I am at a plateau with my recovery. I thought that I had been progressing but now it feels like I just managed to find a way to put it all away somewhere and it is leaking out at the seams.

Any ideas?

[Crystl]

HI aidens mom..I posted on your other post also..
I'm thinking perhaps your plateau is because the second anniversary is coming up..
although with this grief we never can tell what emotion will hit us at any given time
There is no way to go around this pain..only through it..
I hope you find some comfort here walking this journey with us by your side.

[anangelnamedjordan]

Hi Aiden's mom,

Wow ... I too lost my 17 yr old son on 4/24/11 ... so sorry I have to meet you this way. Even though I am year behind you in this horrible nightmare, I too feel like I am back sliding in my progress but then I read these post and realize that there is no set rules for this journey. So how can we be hard on ourselves when we lose it all over again after we thought we were finally make steps forward.

I have loss both of my parents, and also have had many mountains in front of me that I had to climb ... all in which I was able to stay so strong and so positive as I was going through my trials. Then I lose my son by suicide ... a son who was a perfect child and showed no signs ... a son who was my world ... and all that staying strong and positive stuff got drowned out by my tears.

The only advise I can give to you is when you feel like your anxiety is taking over, and the stress is manifesting in your body go back to looking in the moment only, then go to the hour by hour,etc. I find that helps me. If I try to look too far ahead I find I lose it.

I am coming up on what should be my son's 18th birthday on 4/21/12 and then the date he went to be an angel 4/24/12 and to make it even worse what should be his graduation in June. Oh and did I forget to mention the day this all happened last year was on Easter (which use to be my favorite holiday). So I am just looking to the moment ahead so it does not get so overwhelming with the pain of him not being here.

I am not sure what your beliefs may be ... but I ask the Lord above to carry me until I am strong enough to walk on my own and I must say that I know he did, because without him and the different support he has lead me too (like this site) I honestly don't think I would have make it through this past year!

To the world a child is just a child,
but to a mother that child is her world!