I am HollowHeart. This is exactly how I feel & includes all of my stomach area as well. This is the 3rd month since my daughter killed herself by a new method -Helium Hood or Final Exit. She found it online less then 24 hrs. before she used it. Her ex-BF called me Sun. 9-18-11 to let me know that she was not her usual self. Sarah has suffered from depression, bi-polar, RLS & many other sicknesses since she started her periods when she was 12. She was 22&1/2 yrs. to the day & had almost as many illnesses as myself at 58. This is a hard life for a kid, to be sick all the time. So when he called, I knew already what I would find.
I had spent all day Sun. changing my sheets to purple, Sarah's favorite color & rearranging my dresser. Spent hours trying to put everything she had made me, shells, a little mom & kid bunny figurine, pipecleaner animals & other things that reminded me of her on the dresser. I wanted to call her that day but was having a battle with my own depression (40 yrs.) & have a hard time using the phone when I'm in that state of mind.
The call came at 6 pm, I had just started to cook. Ex BF wanted me to call her to see if she would answer. I called twice, leaving her a message to come eat supper with us. Sarah was not one to answer back quickly anyway & after she didn't call, I decided to go to her apt. She had given me her ex BF keys about a month earlier. Once, she asked me if I had her keys, I thought she wanted them back for another BF. But that wasn't the case, when I said "yes, they're right here on the table", all she said was "good". I am diabetic, many trips to the ER phsych ward taught me to always eat before going or take food. Hospitals aren't very accommidating(sp?), esp. at night. So I knew that I had to eat, I knew it was going to be a long night.
My husband wouldn't come with me, his last words were "She's probably alright". I responded quite sharply, "What if she's not? He doesn't understand the severity of depression. Thinks that all you have to do is think happy thoughts & it will go away. Yeah right!
I got to her apt. by 8:30 pm, checked out her car, & looked up at her windows. All the lights were on. Walking up the 3 flights of stairs I had an impending doom sensation. Had trouble with the keys. Knocked at the door 3x calling her name. More trouble with the keys & finally I'm in. The first thing I notice is her bedroom door is closed with light shining underneath. Our old family cat Chaser whom she had taken 2 yrs. before, was laying on the couch. I called out "Sarah, are you home?" No answer. I opened her door & there she was on the bed. Two helium tanks at the bottom of her bed with a tube leading up to her head with a bag on it. I gasped & said "Oh Sarah, you finally did it". Looked at her for awhile & knew she had been dead atleast 3,4 hours, she was her favorite color-purple. Started to cry & wandered around the apt., talking to the cat. Knew I had to contain myself & call 911. Called & the lady wanted me to take the bag off her head "just to be sure." That was very hard to do. She had a sports band over the bag on her neck, tightened with a large safety pin. I finally got it off & ofcourse she was dead. Lady said firemen were on they're way. I heard a knock at the door & it was the ex BF,I had forgotten to call him. I told him that she was dead, he went in & saw her,came out started to cry & then went in & got her laptop next to her head. Called my family, my son answered, he told his father in the shower. Father thought he was joking! BF found 2 & 1/2 page suicide note on pc which we tried to read through all the tears. Firemen came, police came, family came but had to wait downstairs. They considered it a homicide b/c she was handcuffed behind her back. Detective came, coroner came. My GF came for moral support.
They let me go up & get the cat. She was laying next to Sarah's head. (Cops forgot to shut the door so she couldn't get in.) She was pretty traumatized, I thought she was going to scratch me to death. At midnight, they took my Sarah away. We all went home & cried. I didn't sleep that night.
Chaser the cat wouldn't eat much, a teaspoon a day. After 1 month, she stopped drinking & died the following week. We buried her in the back yard with all the other pets we had.
Sarah was cremated & we buried her & her younger sister that died 21 yrs. ago together in the same urn. Sarah loved squirrels & her Twitter name was "Lil Girl Squirrel" so we put a squirrel on the headstone.
I am Hollow Heart & will be for the rest of my life. Only Jehovah can ease my pain.