Grieving for my daughter Sarah

[HollowHeart]

I am HollowHeart. This is exactly how I feel & includes all of my stomach area as well. This is the 3rd month since my daughter killed herself by a new method -Helium Hood or Final Exit. She found it online less then 24 hrs. before she used it. Her ex-BF called me Sun. 9-18-11 to let me know that she was not her usual self. Sarah has suffered from depression, bi-polar, RLS & many other sicknesses since she started her periods when she was 12. She was 22&1/2 yrs. to the day & had almost as many illnesses as myself at 58. This is a hard life for a kid, to be sick all the time. So when he called, I knew already what I would find.

I had spent all day Sun. changing my sheets to purple, Sarah's favorite color & rearranging my dresser. Spent hours trying to put everything she had made me, shells, a little mom & kid bunny figurine, pipecleaner animals & other things that reminded me of her on the dresser. I wanted to call her that day but was having a battle with my own depression (40 yrs.) & have a hard time using the phone when I'm in that state of mind.

The call came at 6 pm, I had just started to cook. Ex BF wanted me to call her to see if she would answer. I called twice, leaving her a message to come eat supper with us. Sarah was not one to answer back quickly anyway & after she didn't call, I decided to go to her apt. She had given me her ex BF keys about a month earlier. Once, she asked me if I had her keys, I thought she wanted them back for another BF. But that wasn't the case, when I said "yes, they're right here on the table", all she said was "good". I am diabetic, many trips to the ER phsych ward taught me to always eat before going or take food. Hospitals aren't very accommidating(sp?), esp. at night. So I knew that I had to eat, I knew it was going to be a long night.

My husband wouldn't come with me, his last words were "She's probably alright". I responded quite sharply, "What if she's not? He doesn't understand the severity of depression. Thinks that all you have to do is think happy thoughts & it will go away. Yeah right!

I got to her apt. by 8:30 pm, checked out her car, & looked up at her windows. All the lights were on. Walking up the 3 flights of stairs I had an impending doom sensation. Had trouble with the keys. Knocked at the door 3x calling her name. More trouble with the keys & finally I'm in. The first thing I notice is her bedroom door is closed with light shining underneath. Our old family cat Chaser whom she had taken 2 yrs. before, was laying on the couch. I called out "Sarah, are you home?" No answer. I opened her door & there she was on the bed. Two helium tanks at the bottom of her bed with a tube leading up to her head with a bag on it. I gasped & said "Oh Sarah, you finally did it". Looked at her for awhile & knew she had been dead atleast 3,4 hours, she was her favorite color-purple. Started to cry & wandered around the apt., talking to the cat. Knew I had to contain myself & call 911. Called & the lady wanted me to take the bag off her head "just to be sure." That was very hard to do. She had a sports band over the bag on her neck, tightened with a large safety pin. I finally got it off & ofcourse she was dead. Lady said firemen were on they're way. I heard a knock at the door & it was the ex BF,I had forgotten to call him. I told him that she was dead, he went in & saw her,came out started to cry & then went in & got her laptop next to her head. Called my family, my son answered, he told his father in the shower. Father thought he was joking! BF found 2 & 1/2 page suicide note on pc which we tried to read through all the tears. Firemen came, police came, family came but had to wait downstairs. They considered it a homicide b/c she was handcuffed behind her back. Detective came, coroner came. My GF came for moral support.

They let me go up & get the cat. She was laying next to Sarah's head. (Cops forgot to shut the door so she couldn't get in.) She was pretty traumatized, I thought she was going to scratch me to death. At midnight, they took my Sarah away. We all went home & cried. I didn't sleep that night.

Chaser the cat wouldn't eat much, a teaspoon a day. After 1 month, she stopped drinking & died the following week. We buried her in the back yard with all the other pets we had.
Sarah was cremated & we buried her & her younger sister that died 21 yrs. ago together in the same urn. Sarah loved squirrels & her Twitter name was "Lil Girl Squirrel" so we put a squirrel on the headstone.
I am Hollow Heart & will be for the rest of my life. Only Jehovah can ease my pain.

[CATYJOE]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Sarah. Three months is so fresh and painful.I was still walking in numbness. The pain is still there,but not as raw. I wish there was a way to get beyond this without walking through the fire,but there isn't. Be very kind to yourself. Place no demands on yourself and ask others not to.I hope you have strong friends to help you. God keep you and give you strength.

[Blossom]

HollowHeart....I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Sarah. My son also died by helium, bought at a party balloon shop. I did not find him....I never saw him again.

There are terribly difficult times that are unique to each of us - post traumatic stress with witnessing experiences, triggers, yearning and so on. And there seems to me to be terribly difficult times that are universal to humans in the timeline of grief. Three months after this loss, is particularly hard....I have read of this over and over and I bellowed like a cow separated from her calf at this point. Somehow.....somehow, you will survive the eternity between each stroke of the second hand on the clock - I promise. It doesn't feel survivable, I know (and yet, I, we, are here).

Perhaps this has brought you here. Thank you for telling us your story....I hope it gave you a moment's peace to do so. Please feel warmly welcome to post and/or read whenever you feel like it. This is a place where people understand this intense and complicated grief...and the hollow feeling. You are not alone. Please take care.

[HollowHeart]

Thank you CATYJOE & Blossom for replying back so fast. Blossom you are the first person that lost a loved one by helium, I was beginning to think I was the only one. Though I know that's not true b/c online I found a forum which dealt with people learning how to kill themselves with helium. It was very disturbing to read. Just to know that this will be a hard month (3rd) for me gives me hope at the end of the tunnel.

Today I will be seeing a counselor for my depression again. I need to talk to people about this, 'to let it out'. My husband is not very supporting & her death doesn't seem to bother him. Life goes on the same as before with him. My son has helped quite alot but spends alot of time with his GF. Even tho he still lives at home, I don't see much of him. If it wasn't for my dog Lucy, I don't know what I would of done. She's at my side always & gives me alot of comfort. Always licking me when I'm crying & tries to cheer me up by wanting me to play with her. Animals are great consolers. Jehovah(Psalm 83:18) knew what He was doing when he made the dog man's best friend. I will be praying for all my new friends on this forum. Thank you again.

[cali]

HollowHeart, I am very, very sorry for your loss. My son did not die the same way, but he and I were battling for his life and we lost. It is so very hard. I know from what you say about your Sarah that you fought long and hard for her. It is true that the three month period after this loss is just excruciating.
All I can say is to take it a day at a time, do see counselors, don't waste your time with those who are not helpful, and tell any one who asks how they can help, exactly what you need: Maybe you need to have a cup of tea with someone and not say a word. Maybe you need someone to help you navigate the grocery store. Or pick things up for you. Or sit next to you and hold your hand. Maybe you need to talk and talk until you feel like stopping. It could be anything. I too bellowed from the pit of my being. The one light for me during that 3-4 month time was oddly enough, his birthday. I could feel his presence, and light, and care. That is always there. It is what holds me up while feeling like a giant cannonball has left a hole in my center. The love is always there. We rebuild ourselves with it. Hold on, we are here, we know and we care.
cali

[CATYJOE]

Dear Hollowheart, My husband could not speak of Joe and went off by himself. He was not able to give me comfort and walk right by me when I was crying. It hurt. It still does. They say men grief diffenent,which Iam sure is true. But that doesn't make it easier for us when we need some loving arms to hold us. Cali said is true. There have been different times I have felt my son with me.Don't disreguard those feelings. When Cali spoke about the grocery store it brought back to my mind how it was months before i could go to the grocery store and not have to leave my basket to go to the bathroom to cry. I would see a particular food that he liked and that I usually got for him and then I would break down.Take comfort where ever you can find it and know there are people like us praying for you and understanding the horrible pain you are feeling.

[Gregslovealways]

Dear HollowHeart,

It has been four months since my significant other of 20 years died from inhaling helium. I will tell you that the pain is not a raw now, but I keep holding on to a quote from a letter I found on this website, " You will survive the suicide death of your loved one because you have to, but you have the choice of how you survive. You have gotten through the days since the suicide – the worst that can happen already has. It cannot get worse. You have been through the worst and you have survived.

The next several months will gradually get easier, but it probably won’t feel that way day by day. It will be up and down. It helps to look back over a week or a month and compare. Recognize your small victories. Death leaves a scar that we will always have, and you will feel the pain of it throughout your life. But the intense pain you feel now will gradually get better. "

I pray that you will be able to find some peace & comfort during this holiday season. I am here if you need to talk, scream, cry ....

[HollowHeart]

Thank you everyone for your kind words & thoughts. You all have given me hope & good advice on how to take care of myself during this trying time. I saw a counselor yesterday & told her my story. She also was very helpful. I am able to keep it together enough to go grocery shopping by myself. In fact, I went shopping the first week after Sarah died. But at home here, I cry alot. Sunday is the worst day, it is the day she killed herself. I've missed alot of Kingdom Hall meetings. Luckily, b/c I have been sick alot, I can call in & listen to the meeting by phone. That helps alot.
Men are definately different emotionally. I think it's because they didn't carry the child in their belly for 9 mths. We have that "mothering" instinct installed by our creator Jehovah.

I like the quote Gregslovealways shared with me. I know I've been through the worst & life can only get better in time. Praying gives me a calm heart also. Take care everyone, better days are just ahead!

[marigold]

Hi HollowHeart, I read your post yesterday and wrote a reply but it got lost when I pressed submit.

I lost my mom and it does get easier over the year. Throughout this time other relationships have benefited from my mom's influence and life. Your post really broke my heart -- I hope you find strength here. I lost my mom in 2007 and support here has been so great -- in person suicide support groups and forums. I came back because reaching out helps so much.

Have you made a website for your daughter? That really helped me so much.

This isn't the great post I made last night, but you are in my prayers and I wish you strength and peace. Marigold

[HollowHeart]

Dear marigold- thanks for sharing. I am having a rough time (5mths. now) but I'm seeing a Hospice Grief counselor & she is helping me cope. My counselor compared grieving like a bad cut. At first it hurts alot & is open. Then it starts to heal & close up. After it heals completely, you are left with a scar for the rest of your life. A reminder of what happened. It helps to know this for me, but the pain is overwhelming at times.
My health has gone down quite abit since Sarah died. We're working on different anti-depressant meds through my doctor. Absolutely nothing is the same. I can barely get dressed each day. I miss her so much.

I am working on a memorial for her on FaceBook. There are sooo many pictures of her. I'm trying to put them in chronological order. It's taking forever. Somewhat overwhelming also.

You are in my prayers also. Jehovah the God of all comfort will help us get through this. He knows our pain. HollowHeart