Thank you Tammy for your reply.
I never realised that so many people were affected by suicide, this is a whole new world to me, and it's so nice that people who are suffering probably far more than me take the time to comfort eachother.
On the Tuesday evening I received an email from Bens brother asking me to call him. It took me ages to do it, I knew straight away why he was trying to get hold of me, I say I knew, I was absolutley convinced that I was going to be told that Ben had "tried" to commit suicide, that he had failed and was in hospital and had asked for me, so convinced of this that when I did finally pluck up the courage to make the phone call, the voice on the other end of the phone said Ben had commited suicide, I actually corrected him and said "you mean tried to"!!!! Utter shock, disbelief, surreal, for a couple of hours I was just a robot, couldn't take it in at all. That night didn't sleep, the reality hit me and suddenly the most dreadful images and thoughts popped into my head, thoughts that haven't gone away. Did it hurt, did he change his mind but it was too late, did it go right and he died quickly, or did he get things wrong and suffered. Can't get these awful pictures out of my head. My only comfort, ha ha I say comfort, some comfort, is that Ben was very intelligent and methodical, he had been talking of this for years and so I feel sure that he researched this method and did everthing possible to make sure it was as painless and quick as possible. But as I say, weird kind of comfort.
I remember that first night, watching the dawn break and realising that this is another day that he will not see and another day further away from him, and I've got a life time of moving further away from him.
One minute I'm devastated, then I'm bloody furious with him, so angry that I don't think I'll ever grieve again for him, then I just feel let down and hurt, what about me? I'm going to need you through the years and you won't be there, then just devasted again, devastated that he was alone and didn't think anyone could help when I know I could have. I daydream that I can go back in time and save him, I think about his a lot ang get quite wrapped up in my alternate reality, I'll have his memorial booklet in my pocket and I'll bang on his door and stop him, cuddle him, hold him, help him find the silver lining that he could never find. The urge to go back and save him is so strong that I can hardly believe that it cannot be done. I urgently need to find him, talk to him, comfort him.
There is no grave to visit, none of our old haunts where I can feel close to him, he has just gone, doesn't exist, all too late, such a dreadful waste, he was 34 years old, he was 4 years younger than me which was always a bone of contention for me, every birthday I would joke that he's catching me up and now he's stuck at 34, young forever, how utterly depressing and wrong.
I should have done more to save him but I didn't realise he needed saving, his last email asked for help but he had family problems and I just thought he was down about that. I never believed that he would actually commit suicide, stupidly I suppose because he never had before, how thick is that. I now re read his last email and it is so obvious what was going to happen, why didn't I think more of it when I first read it, I nearly asked him for lunch that day, if I had, he could very proabably be alive now, I just want to go back and do it all again, differently.
So now he's gone and I cannot believe it, so much left unsaid, it's as though he walked out in the middle of a conversation, I was half way through a sentance and he didn't let me finish. I want to talk about him, get through this with someone who understands, but nobody does, I have to hide my sadness, I mean it has been 6 weeks and its not as though he was my partner anymore, when I try to explain that we had spent 5 years living together, that we knew eachother better than anyone and that after our relationship ended we had the closest friendship imaginable, people just think I should get over it now, he made his choice and I should respect that. But I don't believe he made a choice, he didn't at that moment think he had a choice, and I KNOW he could so easily have been talked out of it, if I had thought about it, if I'd spent the time, like he would have for me.
I'm sorry, I'm ranting and I'm being very boring, he wasn't my husband, my mother or God forbid my child, but there is something so unbelievably horrific about suicide, I actually wish he'd died in a car crash, listening to his fav CD with a smile on his face, never thought I'd wish that on someone.