Lost my closest friend

[embenol]

Hi I lost my closest friend Ben, 6 weeks ago, 5th April 2012. He was also my ex partner. I have absolutely nobody to talk to about him. I can't talk to my other half as he can't deal with the fact that I am grieving over my ex, he can't seem to grasp that I've lost my dear friend in one of the most horrendous ways imaginable.
I long to talk about him, but I don't know anyone that knows him, dont really know his family so know almost nothing about his death except that he hanged himself.
Ben had discussed suicide with me on countless occassions during our relationship together, I would talk him down so to speak, get him to the doctors, get anti depressants and the clouds would lift.
Two days before he died he contacted me asking for help, I didnt check my emails until the day he died, I did reply but have no idea if he ever received my response or just thought that I didn't care anymore, a thought that makes me feel sick to the stomach.
I can't stand this pain or the guilt, can't stop thinking about his final moments. knowing he would have been crying, knowing he would have been terrified, and above all knowing that he felt impossibly alone. Just want to hold him and tell him he's loved, talk him down like Id done so many times before.
His family were completely shocked by this, he had never told them the extent of his depression and I kept his secret good and proper too, shameful.
The only person in the world I want/need to talk to is him and I've lost him, and have come to realise that forever is such a long time without him, cant cope.

[psyquestor]

Em, I am so sorry that you have lost your dear friend Ben to suicide. This is a safe place that you can talk and share your feelings. Everyone here has lost someone they loved to suicide. At six weeks I remember my thoughts were all jumbled up on one another and I felt just exhausted. Would you like to tell us about Ben? How did you find out that he had passed?

[embenol]

Thank you Tammy for your reply.
I never realised that so many people were affected by suicide, this is a whole new world to me, and it's so nice that people who are suffering probably far more than me take the time to comfort eachother.
On the Tuesday evening I received an email from Bens brother asking me to call him. It took me ages to do it, I knew straight away why he was trying to get hold of me, I say I knew, I was absolutley convinced that I was going to be told that Ben had "tried" to commit suicide, that he had failed and was in hospital and had asked for me, so convinced of this that when I did finally pluck up the courage to make the phone call, the voice on the other end of the phone said Ben had commited suicide, I actually corrected him and said "you mean tried to"!!!! Utter shock, disbelief, surreal, for a couple of hours I was just a robot, couldn't take it in at all. That night didn't sleep, the reality hit me and suddenly the most dreadful images and thoughts popped into my head, thoughts that haven't gone away. Did it hurt, did he change his mind but it was too late, did it go right and he died quickly, or did he get things wrong and suffered. Can't get these awful pictures out of my head. My only comfort, ha ha I say comfort, some comfort, is that Ben was very intelligent and methodical, he had been talking of this for years and so I feel sure that he researched this method and did everthing possible to make sure it was as painless and quick as possible. But as I say, weird kind of comfort.
I remember that first night, watching the dawn break and realising that this is another day that he will not see and another day further away from him, and I've got a life time of moving further away from him.
One minute I'm devastated, then I'm bloody furious with him, so angry that I don't think I'll ever grieve again for him, then I just feel let down and hurt, what about me? I'm going to need you through the years and you won't be there, then just devasted again, devastated that he was alone and didn't think anyone could help when I know I could have. I daydream that I can go back in time and save him, I think about his a lot ang get quite wrapped up in my alternate reality, I'll have his memorial booklet in my pocket and I'll bang on his door and stop him, cuddle him, hold him, help him find the silver lining that he could never find. The urge to go back and save him is so strong that I can hardly believe that it cannot be done. I urgently need to find him, talk to him, comfort him.
There is no grave to visit, none of our old haunts where I can feel close to him, he has just gone, doesn't exist, all too late, such a dreadful waste, he was 34 years old, he was 4 years younger than me which was always a bone of contention for me, every birthday I would joke that he's catching me up and now he's stuck at 34, young forever, how utterly depressing and wrong.
I should have done more to save him but I didn't realise he needed saving, his last email asked for help but he had family problems and I just thought he was down about that. I never believed that he would actually commit suicide, stupidly I suppose because he never had before, how thick is that. I now re read his last email and it is so obvious what was going to happen, why didn't I think more of it when I first read it, I nearly asked him for lunch that day, if I had, he could very proabably be alive now, I just want to go back and do it all again, differently.
So now he's gone and I cannot believe it, so much left unsaid, it's as though he walked out in the middle of a conversation, I was half way through a sentance and he didn't let me finish. I want to talk about him, get through this with someone who understands, but nobody does, I have to hide my sadness, I mean it has been 6 weeks and its not as though he was my partner anymore, when I try to explain that we had spent 5 years living together, that we knew eachother better than anyone and that after our relationship ended we had the closest friendship imaginable, people just think I should get over it now, he made his choice and I should respect that. But I don't believe he made a choice, he didn't at that moment think he had a choice, and I KNOW he could so easily have been talked out of it, if I had thought about it, if I'd spent the time, like he would have for me.
I'm sorry, I'm ranting and I'm being very boring, he wasn't my husband, my mother or God forbid my child, but there is something so unbelievably horrific about suicide, I actually wish he'd died in a car crash, listening to his fav CD with a smile on his face, never thought I'd wish that on someone.

[psyquestor]

(((((Em)))))) I want you to know that it is normal to "re-wind" this over and over in your head. It's our brains way of trying to make sense out of something our heart does not want to know. It's normal; even when you were not the one to find them; to envision that graphic scene in your mind. I know that is small comfort, to know it's "normal" but I want to reassure you that this is a process most of us endure. It doesn't last forever, though it will take time.

You say that you could have talked him out of it. That may be true, but I want you to know that you are not supernatural or psychic and you could not have known what he intended. It's more than likely that you would not have been able to stop him. Do you think His email was his way of saying goodbye, more than a cry for help? Please don't blame yourself. This isn't your fault. Even if you had emailed him immediately, he most likely had made his mind up already. Unfortunately we can only control our own actions, not theirs.

With my son, I tried to get him help. Did every thing that you're supposed to do. Called the police, had him arrested, took him to another place for professional help. We didn't leave him alone and all spoke of his intentions openly and let him know how much we loved him and needed him to fight his "demons." Still, we lost him to suicide. I wish we would have been able to reach him - into that tortured part of his brain that was so intent on destruction. My son had gone willingly to get help - had wanted help - but in the end felt that we would all be better off without him. (RUBBISH!)

Depression changes the way our loved ones think. They no longer think clearly and all they wish is to end their pain. The urge you speak of to go back and save him? Oh I know that one well! I had that and what's more I had an overwhelming desire to follow my son to make sure he was okay. To tell him how much I still loved him. That I'd follow him to the edge of the Universe and back if it would help. Thank God I did not act upon that impulse. When it started to overwhelm me, I sought treatment. I urge anyone who is having those thoughts to do the same. Our loved ones did not believe there is help, but there is. We just have to ask for it.

I have been on this awful journey for three years now. The weight of the burden we carry gets lighter with time. Whether we get better at carrying it, or it actually gets lighter,,,I'm not sure. Maybe some of both. We support each other in the meantime.
(((((hugs)))))

[embenol]

Thank you for your kind words, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son.
It's a help to know there are other people who understand, em xx