I am trying to repress my feelings and so far I've been successful. I don't want another melt down like last year. I'm afraid of showing my emotions but I feel terrible for not being devastated at the same time. I'm not over it and I never will be, but I'm not comfortable with myself. I dread calling my parents to show my support and love because I know it will be difficult. I wonder if anyone else feels the same...
I wanted to write to say that I too have had a few memorable meltdowns - it is scary to lose control and yet I found it cleared the air like a good rain after a drought. I know well the feeling of repression and discomfort. It is so tricky to find what works...how it works, when to feel 'safe' to let it work etc. Recently I put my hands in prayer position....it's more about touching my heart than any religious thing...er, which is religious I guess....anyway, I put my hands there and said some words to the person who is me. What came out were words of understanding and sympathy for the person who is me and who is dealing with something way too big. And I let myself feel sorry for that person....and I began to feel sorry for me. And I cried. It was not a self indulgent cry.
Oh dear, I tried to reach out to you and it came out sounding a bit whacky. Please take care. You have survived 3 years now and can see a time now when good memories do not fight for space - what a journey to get to such a place.
Although I lost my son, not my sister, we three remaining have been clumsy in our support for each other....over time I have come to realise that this is simply normal and very human and it's the most lovable thing in my life. Advance, retreat, and all the ground in-between - all normal. Difficult but normal.
I hope there was something in the above that helped. My thoughts are with you this anniversary.
If nothing else, give refuge to those in need.