Misery cafe

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Misery cafe

Postby Tootle » Wed Jan 26, 2011 10:39 pm

This doesn't fit anywhere else..
Ever notice how grief, sadness and death sort of decides to take residence in certain families? Well, it does in mine.. It all started 3 years ago with my Dad..he died of a lung disease brought on by working with asbestos, his wife(my step-mom) cared for him at home until he died, she was in pain herself, but never sought help..5 months later she was diagnosed with primary pancreatic, secondary liver cancer..so it had been there awhile. 1 month after that, my best friend suddenly died of a heart attack..he was more like a parent cause he looked after me in my teens, and then one month after that my step-mom died... One month after that my cousin was diagnosed with brain cancer at 39....she has been battling this terrible cancer and had several surgeries.. Then my brother commits suicide in Nov 2010.... Now I find out today that my sweet cousin has another very large cancerous brain tumor that is inoperable, they're going to try radiation but it doesn't look good.. How much more can happen, I am afraid to ask.. Am I feeling sorry for us? ya I am... I was brought up to never feel sorry for myself..but this is hard...
Just today I decided to try to seek out another counselor.. Put out the necessary calls, and now I wait...
It's hard to keep my chin up when I feel so sad.. I can barely cope without my brother..it's almost 3 months without him.. :cry: :cry: It just feels so unfair, we were a good family... I think... What is all this supposed to mean?
I miss happy me.
In memory of my big brother Rob, my hero and best friend.

To forget time. To forgive life. To be at peace.
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Re: Misery cafe

Postby Blossom » Thu Jan 27, 2011 12:03 am

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Last edited by Blossom on Wed Apr 13, 2011 5:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Misery cafe

Postby ScottsMom » Thu Jan 27, 2011 7:29 am

I don't know what purpose such heaviness has for anyone - The year Scott died I had a piling on of losses that left me on my knees shouting at the universe. I still haven't grieved it all and posts last month and some sad news this week remind me that there is no balance. I feel so deeply for you in this story. One, it would seem, has had their turn and all I can do is shake my head in disbelief.

I resort to my only real comfort, God, when I just haven't a clue what to do with the information. And I will do that for you. Somehow we each find our own peace eventually - even in the hellish turmoil of now. I hope you find that and maybe one day a 'big picture' peace.

God bless you all
V--
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Re: Misery cafe

Postby Suzanne » Thu Jan 27, 2011 8:35 am

Hi Tootle,
There seems to be no rhyme or reason to any of this. I am no stranger to this cluster of misery. I was the middle of three children. We were untouched by any sort of tragedy until we were well into adulthood. Four years ago, my husband, Dave completed suicide. Two years later, my younger brother's 24-year old son, Andy, was killed in a motorcycle accident in Laos. Fifteen months later, my older brother died quite suddenly from a heart attack. Now all three of our little families have been touched by tragedy. Andy's brother is now an only child. My daughters and my niece and nephew are suddenly fatherless. All were in their early 20s when tragedy struck and all are still struggling.
I lost three friends to cancer last winter. One was my dear and beloved supervisor at my job, someone who had been extroaordinory to me when Dave died. Earlier this month, my mother died at the age of 94. It seemed so normal and natural that I exhaled. But I know I still have a lot of grieving to do.
There is no fairness here, for you or for me.
Wife of Dave 10/17/47-11/1/06
Read our story
http://books.google.com/books?id=4zThE8 ... A7o6s-fPpU
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Re: Misery cafe

Postby bevcolbert » Tue Feb 01, 2011 11:23 pm

There is no fairness here....how true. This made me think of this past summer and my son's memorial service. My brother is a minister and he came from Fort Worth to do part of the service for my son. He did such a beautiful job. I am always amazed that he can do such things. Then a month later I got a call from my brother that his grandson (my great nephew) had been murdered. His grandson was 23--the same age as my son. So I traveled to Dallas a month after my son died to attend the memorial service for my great nephew. Two young people in two months. Why? There is no answer to "why".
Beverly, mother of Matt (7/3/1986-6/16/2010)
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Re: Misery cafe

Postby Blossom » Wed Feb 02, 2011 1:36 am

Oh Beverly - I am so sorry for your family. My brother also delivered my son's eulogy. I asked him because when he speaks, I find I am in the presence of truth....his faith has not so much been challenged by this experienced but his human vulnerability has been laid bare. I am so sorry for your brother and all of your family. These are very hard days. You need each other.
Blossom x

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Re: Misery cafe

Postby Blossom » Wed Feb 02, 2011 2:43 am

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Last edited by Blossom on Wed Apr 13, 2011 5:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Misery cafe

Postby Tootle » Wed Feb 02, 2011 9:51 pm

I am so sorry to realize I am not alone in compounded grief...multiple loss creates valleys that are hard to climb out of.. No it is not fair, and I get tired of hearing it will make us stronger, as if THAT makes all this pain ok.
My cousin is only 40, she has glioblastoma, grade 4 brain cancer..quite a large tumor, makes me very sad, but also, different. We will get the chance to say goodbye to her, get the chance to grieve before she dies...does this make it easier? In some ways, yes.. It's also hard when I think of the funeral and honoring of her life when she eventually does go, it's hard for me to not be envious...I only wish my brothers wife would have done the same for my brother, the honoring of my brothers life has not happened..
My father-in-law just entered the hospital with an abdominal aneurism yesterday, he had a stroke 4 years ago and has been paralyzed, now he's in serious pain.. So it just doesn't end..
These natural things create some kind of sadness, and sadly it seems hard to mourn them when I am already mourning so deeply already.. I feel badly that I find it hard to see past the death of my brother, I feel bad that my grief is so intense that it's hard to see anything else..
I thought I was dining alone at the misery cafe, but apparently I have more company than seats... Sorry you all are joining me for dinner.
Take care to all of you, my heart goes out to the intense pain we all must cope with everyday...in many ways I'm glad I have people to dine with so that I'm not alone..

Hugs to you all...
In memory of my big brother Rob, my hero and best friend.

To forget time. To forgive life. To be at peace.
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Re: Misery cafe

Postby Matnet4 » Thu Feb 10, 2011 2:28 pm

You aren't alone Tootle....when I was almost 19, my older sister (not quite two years older than me--the one I looked up to most growing up)
died of a drug overdose: she was 20, almost 21.......14 yrs. later, the sister just above her died also, due to a heart infection...she was 36.
Both sisters left behind one child to be raised...in Feb. 2009, my 21 yr. old son passed by suicide....two weeks before the one year anniversary,
my 22 yr. old niece died by suicide.....6 mos. later, my Dad passed.....he'd spent 2 yrs. in a nursing home w/ dementia.....I'm so very grateful
I know where I'm going when I die, and that a MUCH BETTER life awaits me there....if I didn't have that hope, personally I would see no reason
to keep going. I'm so sorry for all your losses, and everyone's.
Nancy, mother of Mark, 21 Left us on 2/1/09
aunt of Elysia, 22 Left us on 1/16/10
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Re: Misery cafe

Postby Tootle » Sat Feb 12, 2011 10:58 am

Dear Nancy..loosing our families is so hard, I don't know what you believe in, but I can't wait to see them all when it's time for me..

I never mentioned it earlier but I also lost my foster daughter in 2003 to a heart infection, destroyed the lining of her heart and there was nothing they could do, it was so very tragic at the time.. She was an amazing young lady who had lived through a lifetime of unimaginable abuse, she took everyone of those abusers to court to make them admit what they did to her..and then she died.

My fatherinlaw has been diagnosed with cancer, he's had cancer a few times before and this time it will eventually take his life, because of his health, it is inoperable. My partner has lost his wife to suicide 15 years ago, but this will be his first family member to lose and I feel for him. He has always been much closer to his dad than the three other siblings of his..so he's at the hospital alot these days.

My cousin has decided on chemotherapy and radiation, she will never give up fighting to stay alive! Even though the diagnosis is very grim, a tumor that is 5x4.8x2.5cm spanning both hemispheres and grade 4 cancer, she is still gonna fight.

My personal faith is what gets me through, my partner and my dogs... I don't know what I'd do without them..

I was looking at some pictures of Rob last night, and am amazed at how my heart just CANNOT accept he is gone forever out of my life here, when in my head I can see him, hear him and see him smile, he is alive in my head...I never thought I would have to be on this earth without my Bro. I have a video of my dads memorial, where I had written a huge speech and Rob and I took turns reading the pages..I haven't been able to watch it, but I want to so badly..to see him alive again will tear me to pieces I'm sure.. I've been journaling lots and even telling some of my patients at work about it, it helps with the telling, but it also drains me completely so that when I come home, I am utterly exhausted.

I used to be naive about grief, used to be pretty happy go lucky, a friendly free personality, maybe up in the clouds too much, always the one with the smile, cheering everyone else up....I have lost a huge element of this, but not completely.. With my partner struggling with the impending loss of his dad, it causes me to put my grief aside, if only for a moment and care about his breaking heart.. Life is like that, and life goes on, just differently.

Let's all have dinner with a glass of wine.
((hugs))

My new manager at work has found a counselor for me to see, so I'll call this person next week..
In memory of my big brother Rob, my hero and best friend.

To forget time. To forgive life. To be at peace.
Tootle
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