Part of the 'new'-normal?

A discussion of any suicide issue or grief topic that don't fit elsewhere.

Part of the 'new'-normal?

Postby insearchofpeace » Sun Aug 26, 2012 1:57 pm

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Last edited by insearchofpeace on Mon Jan 06, 2014 6:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim" ~Ovid
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Re: Part of the 'new'-normal?

Postby lyn » Sun Aug 26, 2012 3:35 pm

It does seem odd. I was meeting a colleague who had invited me to meet her at a restaurant for dinner, out of kindness to keep me company and it was very near the store where my husband and I bought our wild bird products. I had a few minutes before I was to meet her and went in to buy some supplies. While checking out and using a credit, I asked to have the account put in my name because my husband had died several months ago. The gentleman working there said he had lost his wife 14 months ago to ALS and he had been married 30 years. They had no children. It is a small store and we were the only people in there the whole time we were talking. We talked about local support groups, pros and cons and the loneliness and even thoughts of ending the misery ourselves. And he warned me of the almost unbearable 1st anniversary. About 15 minutes of two souls connecting with and briefly consoling each other over suet. He and I shook hands and wished each other courage and best wishes. My friend doesn't believe in coincidences and felt I was meant to bump into this person. Not sure why. I am trying to move on suggestions from well-meaning and kind people. But the biggest surprise to me are the days and weeks that go by without a call from my adult son and daughter just to say I love you and how are you? Just a call on a quiet Saturday would mean the world. As much as others reach out to me, it leaves me feeling I have lost my entire family in an instant. I was in church today and my cousin said when her father died unexpectedly each of her siblings went to their own corners and instead of drawing together, drew somewhat apart. Not having siblings I am perhaps expecting too much from my grown kids. They are good, loving people and I am angry at my husband for hurting two people who truly loved and admired him. It shouldn't have ended like this. I desperately want to make up for this. A totally "normal" family for decades and then this. He truly believed he wasn't important to anyone. So I go from being mad at him to feeling so profoundly sad for my best friend. I wish I knew then, what I know now. but looking back there were only 2 subtle signs of his unhappiness. He hid it so well. We need to take time out from our busy lives and ask our loved ones are you okay, really okay? Do you need to talk? Maybe it would work to eliminate some of this tragedy. Maybe. I'm grateful for this forum and visit almost every day, learning from everyone even if I don't post. Lyn
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Re: Part of the 'new'-normal?

Postby Blossom » Sun Aug 26, 2012 4:44 pm

Really good posts, both. So much resonated. This grief brings with it a whole lot of stuff that demands sorting out, sometimes on the hop, sometimes later (and in words here is helpful). I confess that after 2 years, I sometimes politely shut down those who sort of use me as a reassurance for their own fears - the most common being that they, their kids, are ok and doing well (unsaid and unconsciously, 'nothing bad like this is ever going to happen to me'). It's normal human behaviour, but I'm not up to it all the time. But sometimes there are just magic moments and like cures like (healing pain with pain). But yes, I don't know if anything form this arena addresses that sense of inner isolation.
Lyn, I'm sorry that your kids have withdrawn. I am sure that your chickens will come home to roost. It is not forever and even they might not consciously know why...for now. My heart goes out to you. When I visited an elderly aunt recently after a very long time, she said that she knew I had to retreat, go in. Honestly, her words were so wise - she knew. But that is an elderly aunt, not my children, so a poor comparison. Just letting you know that retreat is also normal, to a point.
That you are so understanding and look so kindly on your children, even in their painful absence will, I'm sure, be the kindness they seek. I am sorry for this loneliness now.
Blossom x

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Re: Part of the 'new'-normal?

Postby cmarie » Sun Aug 26, 2012 8:42 pm

Insearchofpeace , I don't know if I have had the kind of depths of conversations you have experienced, but I do know I am able to listen more acutely, give less advice and just be there for people to witness their journeys. And people do seem to share with me, but like you they always have.

Lyn, I am so sorry about the loss of connection with your children. I can feel how that would add to your isolation and pain. I don't know if this will help or not- it been my experience that people's behaviours are generally a reflection of their own feelings, and not a reflection of how they feel about others.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
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Re: Part of the 'new'-normal?

Postby Suzanne » Mon Aug 27, 2012 6:48 am

Interesting thread!
People have always confided in me, too, but the sorts of things they confide now has changed. I thought this might have to do with my candor after Dave's death. My way of dealing with his suicide was to be totally open. Sometimes that candor was too much for others (I could literally see them shrinking away from me, but it opened many doors for conversation. And many confessions of thoughts that were scary or uncomfortable. Apparently many people have these, not just me. So, yes, a lot of people unloaded. But it was mutual.

Lyn, I am sorry your children are not in closer contact with you. I, too, am really disturbed by the effect of Dave's suicide on our young adult daughters. They both struggle with thoughts of why they were not good enough or lovable enough to make their father want to live. There was a lot of love between Dave and both of them and they don't understand why that was not enough. I struggle with these thoughts for myself and cannot imagine what they are like in our children. It has been almost 6 years for us and there have been long periods of time when one or another or both pulled back and away. It is painful. I hurt for them even more than I hurt for me.

Suzanne
Wife of Dave 10/17/47-11/1/06
Read our story
http://books.google.com/books?id=4zThE8 ... A7o6s-fPpU
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Re: Part of the 'new'-normal?

Postby insearchofpeace » Mon Aug 27, 2012 11:53 am

x
Last edited by insearchofpeace on Mon Jan 06, 2014 6:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim" ~Ovid
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Re: Part of the 'new'-normal?

Postby lyn » Sun Sep 09, 2012 5:38 pm

Another coincidence? I received a phone call at work from a woman I have had interactions with (mostly over the telephone) for about 5 years because our jobs intersect sometimes. We discussed the business she had called about and then said she had just heard my husband had died. She expressed condolences. I made the decision to tell my co-workers (I work in a large organization and there is much gossip) that my husband had a heart attack. I thanked her and told her my husband had died suddenly. She is in her fifties and said to me, "you know my husband put a gun to his head and killed himself when he was 29. He was in medical school and our two girls were small. I went to live with my parents for a while." She told me she had "locked it inside" herself and hadn't gotten counseling. She said they were high school sweethearts and for the longest time she would sit outside her house and feel certain she would see him drive up. She said she doesn't know what would happen if she didn't keep this locked away. She invited me to have a meal one evening after work and I told her I would like that. I don't know if I will open up to her or keep my truth locked up inside myself. She may not realize but telling me what she did, she is not as locked up as she thinks. But it has been such a long time for her..... maybe she can teach me something I need to learn.
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