Things never turn out the way you think. Re the past couple of posts on this thread. Well, I went to a harp healing workshop on the weekend...we sat in a group while a 'healer' improvised...it was beautiful. Not only that, but I learned the fundamentals of improvisation....so I've been noodling away. A few days later (last night) I went to my second meeting of the singing group (the group that is to sing to those who are dying...small groups of three with a calming repertoire). Well, there I was, bolstered by my efforts, reading, playing, thinking, and many other non-formal methods of discernment....and there we were, a group practising in a beautiful old wooden church, with a (healthy) volunteer sitting in a laid back chair. I looked at the lady in the chair, eyes closed, and she glowed and it was so beautiful....it was so so beautiful that a small crack of light appeared within me and I launched (it took me completely by surprise) into the longest loudest howl.I think it was a little distressing to some - of course it would be. I had to be held up. My friend who held me shook and heaved....there was no 'being observant' - it is pretty powerful stuff. Sigh...they kept singing, surrounded and held me....thanked me for the 'gift' when I righted myself. I've spent all day shaking (this stuff is pretty explosive and seems to have to play itself out....understatement) and battling little inner ultimatums about not being strong enough, or being able to become strong enough for this 'work'. I don't mind being broken. I am an expert at patching...but when even the patches come away, I'm in trouble. This journey is not what I think it is. I walked on the hot coals of my own making and wonder if I should follow my initial 'gift' with the future gift of my absence. Not looking for reassurance....just need to say it outloud, here. I have checked internally and my house of cards is still standing. That is pretty amazing.
If nothing else, give refuge to those in need.