Life After Suicide, A Father's tale

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Life After Suicide, A Father's tale

Postby psyquestor » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:23 pm

While reading some blogs on Suicide Prevention and News, I came across this blog from Tony Salvatore. The link is here http://lifegard.tripod.com/memo.html.

I'm going to tell you what it is like to "be left behind." Maybe it will stop you from doing something stupid. Where I'm at right now comes down to three little words: Loss, Anger, and Pain -- lots of each. This the eternal triangle of paternal grief. I live right in the middle and can't move out. It's a lousy neighborhood.

Loss is what happens to someone when you die. Paul's death left me incomplete. It tore something out of me and I will never be the same again. Loss isn't passive or arithmetic -- subtract one son. It's active, it grows, it's a "black hole" that pulls everything in. I'm not whole and the hole won't close. All loss is shit, suicide loss is the worst shit. Losing a kid to suicide is off the shit scale.

My anger came on when the shock wore off -- when the attitude of the police, other official types, the medical examiner, etc., hit home. (Don't make your family have those people in their face.) I got madder as I realized that my son's death didn't have to be. After I learned that those who could have prevented it didn't care came rage. My anger has stopped growing but it hasn't gotten any less intense.

My anger is also self-directed. I feel very responsible. I'm not angry at Paul, but I'll never forgive myself for missing his suffering. I'll never forgive those whom he told of his pain and his plan and who did nothing and who made damn sure that I knew it. Want your "friends" telling your folks that "we knew he was gonna do it." Want your father to think about hurting them every day?

And then there's pain...
Please click the above link to read the rest of Tony's blog.

I hope that if you are considering ending your pain, that you consider those who will be left behind in the wake of your death. The pain of this loss is so devastating and complete that it changes everything for those of us left behind. My son Brian died by suicide in 2008. Since that day; the day I found him; I have been hurt so deeply that the pain never subsides for long and I always return to this 'daymare' I am forced to live. Thoughts of my son consume me, thoughts of how hard we tried to get him help, how bravely he fought his demons but eventually the thoughts return to losing him.

If you are suffering from Depression, Loss, Anxiety or mental health issues - there is hope. Please don't give in to suicidal thoughts. There is life worth living and you can find it.

My hopes are with you as you travel your journey.
Tammy
Proud Army Mom
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I thought I would lay down and die after losing my Son to suicide.
Instead I chose to fight the monster that killed him.
http://www.afsp.org

Hold On, Pain Ends
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Re: Life After Suicide, A Father's tale

Postby Crystl » Mon Jan 16, 2012 11:30 pm

thanks for sharing..thats a very interesting article..
I relate so much to this mans writings..

I stated in a post the other day here that I don't believe suicide is a choice ..(speaking from my own SI thoughts)
it's more about a decision made when all choices seem to be gone.
he also writes about this.

I like the word Penacide better than suicide
http://lifegard.tripod.com/index.html
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Re: Life After Suicide, A Father's tale

Postby psyquestor » Tue Jan 17, 2012 10:24 am

I agree Crystl. Especially in the case of those with Depression, the thinking becomes circular. Meaning the suicidal patient cannot think their way out of whatever issue they are facing. There may be alternate answers to the problems the person is facing; only they cannot see them due to their illness.

The main symptom of depression? Hopelessness.

Not all suicides are due to depression or disease. The suicidal ideation that does come from depression is very treatable. I pray that anyone reading this that identifies with the word "hopelessness" will seek medical assistance or call the hotline number on the front page of this forum. Talk to someone, tell them how you're feeling, tell them you could use a little help ((((hugs))))
Tammy
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I thought I would lay down and die after losing my Son to suicide.
Instead I chose to fight the monster that killed him.
http://www.afsp.org

Hold On, Pain Ends
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Re: Life After Suicide, A Father's tale

Postby briansfolks » Tue Feb 07, 2012 7:09 am

We too lost a son to suicide. The hole it left in us is jagged. We loved our son, and he loved us. He loved his wife and children, yet his pain was so great. He had a good job, married just 4 and a half years to his first and only girlfriend from high school. Together they had 3 very young wonderful children. But it was a bad marriage, his wife treated him awful, said terrible things to him. They had bickered that day like many other days, only this time he shot himself through the head and ended his pain. Our lives stopped that day , only four days after Christmas. We planned a funeral and buried him in disbelief. Our friends and neighbors brought us food and support that after 6 weeks are still helping us cope. I went to his grave yesterday, sod has been patched together over the brown soil that had been leveled following his funeral. A shrine upon his grave has started with trinkets and a stone tablet with words, a dish of candles that his wife must have brought and a little candy bar like he would have enjoyed are resting there as well. I am numb as this is true, and I wish to awake from this horrible dream and shake it from my mind and take a nice hot shower, but this is my new normalcy and i hate it. Now his pain has found us, his parents. Now we have to deal with his wife and her enabling parents. The children are an emotional mess, his wife's family brought the children to the funeral home for the calling and the funeral as well, we were shocked to see the aunts march up to the casket with a 2 and 3 year old and let them stare at their cold dead father. This was not the life we had imagined for our grandchildren. Oh please how we could have helped, in any way to keep this from happening.
His wife could not control herself, she has suffered from some type of paranoia, nobody explained it to us, as we are now learning more about what happened. She did accuse our son of cheating on her, yet he was very faithful. She would demand to have him send her cellphone pictures of his whereabouts throughout each and everyday. She basically said that she thought the world was bad, and he included, she could never ease her fears of this. It all boils down to that she is sick, yet her mother swept her issues and episodes under the rug and enabled this activity to destroy our son and the father of our grandchildren. They all needed help, and lots of it, our attempts to reason with his mother-in-law was laughed at during times that he did walk away to come talk to us, he was scolded for coming to our home to vent about the problems, she limited his computer use and his cellphone was checked to see if he had reached out to us. He did leave one last message to us, on his facebook right before he walked out to the breezeway to shoot himself, he wrote ' heather wants a divorce" , his last written words were later removed by his wife that night after the police took down the yellow tape around the house. As a father, now mourning the loss of my wonderful son my advice to you is........ Words can kill, please use them wisely.
Brian apparently thought that somehow the rest us us would survive ok after his death, but we are having a terrible time of it, he must have thought that we would understand, and in a way we do, but the picture is much bigger. I do not think that our son came to this forum to read how his decision would affect others! So I'm not reaching out here to anyone considering ending their life, rather to console those parents that have lost someone as this type of club that is not too popular with the masses. Not sure why I am bothering to print all this out here....yet this is our story, it's true, it happened and we will never be the same because of it. Respectfully, Briansfolks
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