Reunion love

Share special memories of the person that you remember.

Reunion love

Postby Blossom » Mon Dec 10, 2012 1:33 am

Waiting today, for someone I love to come through the arrival gates at the airport and watching all the wonderful reunions taking place around me - it is so special and I felt very uplifted to witness this. And yet, my son will never again walk out of an arrival gate again. I will never feel that anticipation...I kind of played with it a little, but let it slide. Well, that's it - either I take the bitter with the sweet or live a life purely of craving or perhaps be a cuckold of gratification via others. It's not quite a decision or an attitude...something I can't put my finger on yet again. The thing is, it has been so long now - such a long long journey, that I can finally say that the bitter does not outweigh the sweet. It's been really tough getting to that place, and even that place doesn't stay still for long enough to be truly confident of it. My son feels like a young child to me now. It feels more and more what he has left and is, inside of me, rather than as a separate person - the former, the dynamic actor, the latter, a static stage. And of course, tomorrow will be different again. So it goes...
Blossom x

If nothing else, give refuge to those in need.
Blossom
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Re: Reunion love

Postby cmarie » Mon Dec 10, 2012 9:48 pm

When you played with it - does that mean for a few minutes, you pretended you were waiting for Rory? Just curious if that's what you mean.

The bitter and the sweet, reminds me ... A while ago, I was remembering Liam age 3 ish, in a nightshirt, coming to cuddle on the couch in the mornings while I drank my tea and we both woke up. It was a precious time. I started to tear up, feel sadness. Then for whatever reason, an internal voice came through loud and clear "why are you crying and sad? You had that time, it was delicious, and it has been gone since the moment it happened. It doesn't have to make you sad. You can choose to find joy in the memory". The voice is right. And I am working daily on finding the joy- the sweet with the bitter.
Take care blossom.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
cmarie
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Re: Reunion love

Postby Blossom » Wed Dec 12, 2012 4:05 am

Yes, cmarie - I played with the expectation of seeing my son, just for a bit.

It is natural to think that every 'sting' of every memory is grief...but wouldn't we feel just a tiny bit of this in remembering our kids when they were young even if they were living? It is really hard to sort the wheat from the chaff in this regard. I was looking for a particular photo to give to someone for Christmas, and so I ended up doing the photo album thing. I did not cry for my late son, I cried for my surviving son...he was so cute, so lively (a handful), so trusting, so innocent - what an open face and gigantic smile he had! I cried because he is grown up now, and then I cried for the time when we are gone and he will be on his own. I pray that he finds a long and enduring love. A little boy waking up with you, both semi-conscious, IS a delicious memory! Oh how long it takes for that 'choice' to arrive here and there - what an endurance! You know cmarie, for all my avoiding the photo albums....when I looked at my son, I saw how happy he was. He knew happiness, he felt safe and loved. That is not gone. It both remains and is taken with him - but it doesn't disappear.

I am aware that this may be a hard read for those who have lost an only child, for those who have lost their spouse, for those who have lost a sibling. I could flip this bloody coin all day and each time a new side would come up. I lost my mother at 14, I carried a baby almost to term, knowing it would be stillborn and did the whole labor thing, but this loss is so far beyond measuring. Both were terribly damaging and I found no great doors to personal growth. I read a line in an article about disenfranchised grief (http://www.ualberta.ca/~jennyy/PDFs/14022506.pdf) which included some expressions of self-disenfranchisement. One in particular, "I’m kind of embarrassed to admit that in some ways I seem to have grown from the death of my child." Well, I'm not embarrassed, but it doesn't seem to belong here....don't know where though.

The other day I went to a funeral, the power had failed, so everyone left the chapel while the casket stayed inside. I sneaked back in and gave the casket a good rub and said my goodbye....you know, I felt that he was gone...I kept trying to search/feel him (my neighbour)...but there was nothing until I noticed the scent of the flower arrangement on top of the casket and I knew that the perfume of those flowers was the ethereal connection between a man present in body and soul at once. These things knock me and linger (they happen often)...and slowly the real world trickles back and takes precedence again. Keeping grounded and being intuitively perceptive at the same time is not my forte...but it must be a healthy way to be and of value to someone, somewhere, somehow, sometime. And that, is my unembarrassed challenge/destiny. It's terrifying and it's fantastic. I dearly wish that a big pointing finger would come out of the clouds and give me clear orders. Rattling on...here's to pressing 'submit' for my 1,399th post...erg, will I ever get this off my chest? (and leave some space for others?)

(ENFRANCHISING LASTING LOVE)

All our affections, when clear and pure,
and not claims of possession, transport us to another world;
and the loss of contact, here or there, with those external beings
is merely like closing a book which we keep at hand for another occasion.
We know that book by heart. Its verses give life to life.
— George Santayana
Blossom x

If nothing else, give refuge to those in need.
Blossom
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Re: Reunion love

Postby lainie » Wed Dec 12, 2012 7:13 am

Thank you Blossom and cmarie for your posts this morning...you both write your thoughts beautifully! I have seen my son pull up in his car and get out and walk in...and I have seen
him every where I go in the crowd...at one point I thought I was loosing it....but it was such a beautiful moment I dismissed that from my mind. I guess you could call it wishful thinking..love and peace my friends,

Lanie
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Re: Reunion love

Postby cmarie » Wed Dec 12, 2012 9:45 am

I am in awe of you blossom - playing with the expectation of seeing your son. Incredibly strong and brave thing to do. You must have built an incredible resiliency.

And yes, about the memories. I, too have longing and sadness for the passing of some of those times when my children were my babies. And I know that Liam, like Rory had happy days as well. And knew he was loved- if only that is all they needed...

Sensitive subject about personal growth. Where does it belong if not here? It has been part of the process for me.

I hope you never stop writing in here. I gain so much from your perspective and insights
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
cmarie
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Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 8:30 pm

Re: Reunion love

Postby Blossom » Wed Dec 12, 2012 4:07 pm

x, x and x...a living transcendence (of sorts) is surely the hardest thing. Not a burden, not an achievement, not noble, and definitely not sought (and quite possibly disempowered in speaking of it - see? I don't even know my own bones) but I'm in the thick of it, to be sure. My hand is glued to the ragged edges of it/me, and that may never change. But, damn it, I'm a born agitator.

My very best wishes for some goodness in your day, cmarie and Lanie.
Blossom x

If nothing else, give refuge to those in need.
Blossom
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