How do I fix the inside...

How does grief make you feel? Angy? Sad? Lonely? Afraid? Worried? Tired? Empty?

How do I fix the inside...

Postby Tootle » Wed May 07, 2014 10:59 am

I haven't posted in a long time, I've been trying really hard to move forward and I have on some levels... It's the past and all the memories, be them good or bad, that have been pulling me under. I've tried so hard to fix the inside from the outside, yoga, counselling, vigorous exercise, journaling and the list goes on. Alcohol and marijuana give relief and a break from the constant pain. I suffer so deeply from guilt and abandonment and loneliness. My partner is just sick of it, things are falling apart, he says I live in a bubble and he's right, I feel like I need to protect myself. Not sure where to go from here other than work, work is the one thing keeping me sane and together. I used to enjoy doing so many things, now I don't do much and don't enjoy doing stuff with my husband because he's too demanding that I do stuff. There's too much pressure in my head. I'm so tired of this and just want to enjoy a day and all it has to offer...
In memory of my big brother Rob, my hero and best friend.

To forget time. To forgive life. To be at peace.
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Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:56 am

Re: How do I fix the inside...

Postby Berna » Thu May 08, 2014 7:42 am

Hi Tootie,
You're life is extremely similar to mine, minus the marijuana (it's illegal here), if it were legal I'm sure I would. I can relate to the alcohol, but lately I've found that self medicating does't help. The problems seem worse afterwards and I feel like crap. I'm trying to enjoy new things, same things and feel guilty for having fun. I don't know if time helps ( 9 month's since my son's death) a little I guess, by now it feels permanent. I do find that volunteering helping kids helps me. I don't know if you have that opportunity in your community. I have gone to see a psychiatrist and am medicated, that seems to help my mood swings. The pain will never go away, just uncelebrated my son's birthday, I never thought I would survive that. Mother's Day is next, and so on and so on! Geeze! Crazy right? The only advice I can give, is to try to keep on keeping on, every day I wake up is a day that I made it through another day. Do you have children? If you do, that helps, parents alive? That also helps because you need to be supportive to them also. Try to close to your husband and lean on him, I distanced myself at first, but I knew if I continued I would lose him also. It's the most horrendous event that can ever happen in anyone's life ! Ever! The sad thing is almost every day there is another person in same situation! And we all feel the same.
Bevin peace my friend and know he is with God, that's the only thing I think when I hate life myself.
Love and Light,
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Joined: Tue Feb 11, 2014 9:23 pm

Re: How do I fix the inside...

Postby Karyl » Thu May 08, 2014 8:49 am


I think your observation that you've been trying to fix the inside from the outside is very insightful. You seem to be very self-aware, and that is good.

Guilt, abandonment and loneliness - all are heavy issues to deal with.

Guilt - sometimes, we can eventually put down the whip and understand that regret is okay, without the guilt.

Abandonment - Can you remind us of who it is that died by suicide? Do you believe that person was trying to abandon you, or am I misunderstanding here?

Loneliness: We are all alone in our grief, in a sense. I hope you can feel the spirit of kindred spirits walking with you here, though. We cannot take this journey for you, but we can walk beside you.
Site Admin
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Re: How do I fix the inside...

Postby cmarie » Thu May 08, 2014 11:40 pm

Tootle, I'm not sure we can fix the inside- just learn to live with it somehow. I'm sorry that things are so hard.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
Posts: 880
Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 8:30 pm

Re: How do I fix the inside...

Postby Tootle » Fri May 09, 2014 9:16 am

Thank you for your words Berna...I am so aware of how self medicating just prolongs the pain, I have gone without any self medicating for months, and then self medicated for weeks..none seem to make much difference in how I overall feel. It has been 3 years and 6 months since my brother died, it feels like yesterday. I thought I was doing pretty good for a while, but for the last 2 months I've been on a downward spiral...I just can't seem to get his suffering out of my system, it just sits like a heavy weight. He would not want me to be going on like this and it feels like I'm stuck . My work helps me tremendously because I get to help people, but by the time I'm done, I'm so exhausted that I just want to flake out and relax for the evening. My son is all grown up and is in constant contact with me. My world revolves around my mom and son, without them I would be reduced to mere rubble. My husband shows next to no caring for me, I don't even sleep with him anymore because it is so important for me to get a good nights sleep and he snores loudly, he is not affectionate, nor does he ask how I am anymore. He says I am just a bummer. It's just so hard. My heart goes out to you for Mother's Day, just as it goes out to my own heart just breaks for her, I admit I try to make up for my brother not being here for's a big order to try to fill. Day by day, step by step....hopefully one day we can find peace. Hugs to you <3

karyl, my abandonment issues are that my brother left me, he had always been there for me at the drop of a hat, so supportive and caring, such an amazing man, he abandoned all of us. When my mom dies I will be alone, I always thought I'd have my brother til the end. I am beyond grateful for this place. I have come to read here many times and unbeknownst to the people here, the personal stories help me move forward another day.

Cmarie, you feel like an old friend to have been here and have helped so many, my heart goes out to you. I will be thinking of your special heart on Mother's Day. Big hugs to you ❤️
In memory of my big brother Rob, my hero and best friend.

To forget time. To forgive life. To be at peace.
Posts: 304
Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:56 am

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