Adding to the guilt

How does grief make you feel? Angy? Sad? Lonely? Afraid? Worried? Tired? Empty?

Adding to the guilt

Postby fay48 » Thu May 30, 2013 12:36 pm

For the last two weeks I have been feeling strangely upbeat, and I have no idea why? And I felt guilty. last weekend I finally went into the loft telling everyone that I wanted to have a sort out up there ( I have sorted just about every nook and cranny) Truth was ,since reading in a report that my husband had gone into the loft with a rope a little under a year before he ended his life, I was really looking for that none existent note. I found wedding cards, baby birth cards, anniversary cards, valentines cards, memories, memories, memories, but no answers. I have surrounded myself with memories and until now they brought me such comfort. I woke up on Friday and looked at my bedside picture and asked WHY? I came downstairs and looked at the three pictures in the living room and asked WHY? I looked at the urn on the table and asked WHY? I went into the garden to drink my coffee and saw the broken fencing, I received mail that had yet another problem for me solve and I asked WHY? one more difficult situation with my son and I asked WHY..... WHY did you leave me with all this, god you must have hated me so much to do this to me, to inflict this level of pain, if I deserved this fair enough, but why your sons??????? what did they do????? You could have left, I could have left, I can't be bill payer, shopper, secretary, cleaner, washer, problem solver, mother, farther, carer on and on and on. I was ANGRY!!! resentful, hurting like it was yesterday, and then I did the most awful thing ever, I put away the pictures..... I couldn't look at them, I cant talk to them anymore without them giving me answers, they remind me now of what is, not what was. I cant face leaving the house again, I am DREADING anyone asking me where the pictures have gone. The worst of this, I know when or if this anger subsides, the guilt is going to be the worst so far, and it scares me. Am I evil for having these feelings? because it feels like I am, Or is this just another normal bolt out of the blue? If anyone can help me make sense of this, I would be truly grateful.
i missed you yesterday, i miss you today and i will miss you tommorow and always x
fay48
Regular
 
Posts: 60
Joined: Tue Sep 25, 2012 6:07 pm
Location: uk

Re: Adding to the guilt

Postby lostwife » Thu May 30, 2013 1:27 pm

fay48

You are not evil for any of these feelings. No way, it all sounds completely 'normal'. I too have pictures, treasured momentos at times, oh his beautiful face, smiling at me, some days I even touch the glass and smile back - and then? I turn the picture over, I cannot look at it. I cannot bear it, how did our lives come to this? My dear sweet children, looking to me for guidance and answers and I suspect strength.... how can I be the rock for what is left of my family when I too am in so much pain.... wondering and agonizing over his death. WHY seems reasonable to me.

I am so sorry - I am here and I hear you today. I don't know if we can ever makes sense of this, but I can listen. You are not alone.
lostwife
Newbie
 
Posts: 47
Joined: Mon Aug 22, 2011 11:08 am

Re: Adding to the guilt

Postby Maria » Thu May 30, 2013 10:45 pm

I told friends that I must have been a very horrible person in a past life to deserve this. I have 4 little ones that need me and I feel so overwhelmed. You are so right, I can't be everything to everyone and function normally. When do I get to grieve? When will I have time for me? The stove breaks, the dishwasher breaks, the toilet backs up, there's a new surprise/challenge daily. I'm suppose to be strong and get all the paperwork done, care for my kids and make sure all of their needs are met, work full-time, manage all the finances and housework.......it's never ending. Why, why, why, I wish my husband would answer me, he's left me in this mess all alone and I have no idea how to fix it.

I look forward to any advice other members post because I'm feeling exactly the same as Fay and there's no end in sight.
Maria
Visitor
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue May 28, 2013 9:55 pm

Re: Adding to the guilt

Postby fay48 » Fri May 31, 2013 3:48 am

lostwife, thank you for your words, "I am here and I hear you" thank you. His beautiful face, yes, such a happy carefree face, and it hurts. Maria, I am so sorry you feel this way to, its been 15 months since I lost my husband, and I still feel helpless, hopeless? Its very early days for you, and I know what you are saying about not being able to grieve no "me time" I still feel that way,. For me I wont let grief come, in the early weeks I did what I had to do, not what I needed to do, I mourned, but I wont allow grief to happen? Little ones..... having to support and provide and carry them must be so so hard, I know that all the time you are doing all this, there is the constant turmoil going on in your mind constantly interfering with everything you try to do. Auto pilot is what has kept me going. I have medication to help with the depression and anxiety, and some days its so bad they seem to do nothing for me. I don't know if you are taking any type of medication, but just a little something to stop your thoughts racing so much can help a little, you will still be able to do all you need to do, just a little calmer... it is simply personal choice. I don't have answers, as you can gather from post, but asking others who have travelled this road, with many different ways of coping/ surviving helps to calm the mind a little. This is only place I dare share the thoughts that trouble me, without judgement or fear that I will be labelled crazy. Friends and family quickly get back to getting on with life and think we are coping just fine because we become experts at acting. Keep asking and don't be afraid of what you are feeling, sometimes just words of reassurance can help calm your thoughts just a little and please remember there is no "normal" that fits anywhere on this never ending journey, everybody here understands. wishing you some tiny moments of calm, Fay x
i missed you yesterday, i miss you today and i will miss you tommorow and always x
fay48
Regular
 
Posts: 60
Joined: Tue Sep 25, 2012 6:07 pm
Location: uk

Re: Adding to the guilt

Postby lainie » Fri May 31, 2013 9:32 am

Fay and Maria...your thoughts and feelings are your own and that is just fine..I think any human being going through the total
devastation of what we have all been through here are entitled to any thought imaginable and some not..and this is OK! I would not wish this journey on my worst enemy...but we are survivors..walking this journey together and I hear you...one day at a time is all
we can do and keep moving forward..our loved ones were ill, not themselves or they would still be here with us...the illness made the choice..not them. It is this thought that helps me understand how this could happen in the first place to our loved ones..
sending you ((((HUGS))))), I wish you all some peace and light today,

Lanie
Moderator
lainie
Regular
 
Posts: 99
Joined: Sat Jul 02, 2011 1:54 pm


Return to Venting

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

This web site built and maintained by Rick Hellewell / CellarWeb.com -- Portions Copyright © by Rick Hellewell / CellarWeb.com, All Rights Reserved.