A ramble...

How does grief make you feel? Angy? Sad? Lonely? Afraid? Worried? Tired? Empty?

A ramble...

Postby insearchofpeace » Tue Mar 19, 2013 4:33 pm

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Last edited by insearchofpeace on Sun Jul 14, 2013 11:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
“Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim" ~Ovid
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Re: A ramble...

Postby cmarie » Tue Mar 19, 2013 10:29 pm

I hate that you are in such turmoil, and i am so glad to have your voice here again.
I have things I want to say to you, advice to share, but I am not sure that is what you need or want. Who knows if what I have to say is even relevant to your life?

I have some questions that occur to me - genuine wanting to know questions...

How do you deal with these incessantly happy people? ( i love the term "surface walkers"- i know some myself)
What effect do they have on your being?
How old are your sisters children? Are they adults or children? What will you say to them?
When you find peace, how will you know? what will it look like?

I am thinking of you.

Take care.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
cmarie
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Re: A ramble...

Postby insearchofpeace » Wed Mar 20, 2013 8:31 pm

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Last edited by insearchofpeace on Sat Sep 07, 2013 12:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.
“Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim" ~Ovid
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Re: A ramble...

Postby insearchofpeace » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:07 pm

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Last edited by insearchofpeace on Sun Jul 14, 2013 11:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
“Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim" ~Ovid
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Re: A ramble...

Postby Suzanne » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:54 pm

insearchofpeace,
I am so sorry you are feeling so badly now. I too found the second year to be worse than the first. I think that is when the finality of Dave's suicide really hit me. I could not imagine ever feeling better. But I did, bit by bit.
I am also sorry about the problems in your family. I cannot imagine why your sister would choose to shut you out of her life and the life of her children. I do know that we all react and grieve suicide in our own ways. Perhaps she felt she is protecting her children from the truth.
I do know that my own impulse was to want to control every aspect of my children's lives to help them cope with the loss of their dad. I worried about the possibility that they would suffer from depression too. One of my children coped by self-medicating and became addicted to pain killers. She and her sister did not speak to each other. I saw no possibility of family. I worried that she would overdose and I would lose her too. Everything seemed terribly out of control. Until my daughter decided on her own that she needed rehab. Her commitment to getting help and helping herself changed everything. In the end, I realized I could not control anything. This is what your sister might be experiencing now.
I don't know any of the details, but you yourself say that whatever happened between you and your sister was not worth it. Is it possible to approach her one last time saying exactly that? She may not be ready to hear it, but then again she might and then you can begin mending things between you.

My heart truly goes out to you. Losing your father and your whole family is overwhelming. There are no positives here. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The learning to live again takes a long, long time. It is so slow that it is sometimes hard to see any progress at all. But, you will get to a place where those incessantly positive people are no more than a momentary annoyance.

Suzanne
Wife of Dave 10/17/47-11/1/06
Read our story
http://books.google.com/books?id=4zThE8 ... A7o6s-fPpU
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Re: A ramble...

Postby insearchofpeace » Fri Mar 22, 2013 12:57 pm

x
Last edited by insearchofpeace on Sat Sep 07, 2013 12:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim" ~Ovid
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Re: A ramble...

Postby cmarie » Tue Mar 26, 2013 9:17 pm

Second year was harder for me too in many ways.
My advice, (take it or leave it) is that we have no control over other people. Their feelings, actions, words... Nuthin'. So... Let it go. Let them be who they are - surface walkers aor your sister,or whatever, and don't Allow them space in your world.

It's so interesting to me that Suzanne brought up the issues with her daughter and addictions. I also have a daughter who lives with an addiction ( right now, she is doing very well), and it was what crossed my mind when I read your post. I have learned ( as a matter of my own sanity and survival) to let go. Pay attention to what I have control over, and let go what I don't.

Part of that process was also recognizing that even when she was in the depths of her addiction, I wanted to keep up some semblance of our relationship. It meant limited contact, usually by phone, or even cards I would mail her. But she knew I was there for her. Always.

I wonder if you can begin with your sisters children with simple contact. A card. A letter. An email. Just letting them know you are still on the planet and are thinking of them. Not complicated stuff about your dad, or your relationship with your sister - just your relationship with them. That is the piece you have control over. Really. That is all.

Peace to me. It changes. Different levels? Dunno.
In the months that I have decided I am staying here, and not leaving, - I am at peace
On the days I accept he is gone, and I can't change it - I am at peace
In the hours I know I did the best that I could, with who I am, and what I had- I am at peace
In the fleeting moments, I think that he made the right choice for him - I am at peace.

There are more and more of these times. It is a cumulative effect I think.

Somehow, I think it is about integration... Of what I am not sure. But that feels like the right word in this moment.

The rest of the time, well, it's a bit of a crap shoot. not so much peace. It's hard to imagine any real lasting peace until I could see and hold my boy again. In my dreams? Maybe...

I wish for you a re connection with your family, and I encourage you to seek it somehow. It might not look like you think it should look, but be open to the possibilities.

Sorry for the wine induced rambling, and thanks for reading what you could.
Take good car in search of peace. Really good care.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
cmarie
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Re: A ramble...

Postby insearchofpeace » Thu Mar 28, 2013 1:11 pm

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I wish continued success to both yours and Suzanne's daughters with their recovery. Please know how much I appreciate the advice of loving Mothers....it means more than you know.
Last edited by insearchofpeace on Sun Jul 14, 2013 11:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
“Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim" ~Ovid
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Re: A ramble...

Postby lainie » Sat Mar 30, 2013 7:39 am

The second year was harder for me also I think...the first year I was in shock and just going through the motions. The second year the reality sets in...the pitts for sure. My heart reaches out to you, I have read all of the posts and the
good advice every one has been giving...and my thought is that I hope you can find a way to reconnect with your nieces and sister...maybe a card to each telling them that you
love them and miss them. I am hopeful that just any little action on your part could give you some peace...sending you hugs,

Lanie
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Re: A ramble...

Postby insearchofpeace » Sun Mar 31, 2013 11:43 am

Thank you for your kind thoughts Lanie.
Last edited by insearchofpeace on Sat Sep 07, 2013 12:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim" ~Ovid
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