* Blaming Other People *

How does grief make you feel? Angy? Sad? Lonely? Afraid? Worried? Tired? Empty?

* Blaming Other People *

Postby Karyl » Thu Oct 11, 2012 9:19 am

Dear Friends,

It is natural to blame someone after a suicide. Sometimes, we may blame a person because the things they did may have been significant factors in the suicide; sometimes, we may blame them because we believe they have hurt the person. We also may blame ourselves.

Blame is a real feeling that comes out and may need to be expressed without condemnation from others.

Sometimes, blame is not fair. The person blaming may not know or understand the complete situation. Blame may be based on just a few facts, overlooking the whole picture.

When blame is unfair, it may hurt the target of the blame - and at the same time, the person who feels that way has the right to her or his feelings.

This board should be a safe place for people to talk about their feelings of blame, (as long as they keep the name of the person being blamed private since it's a public board).

It should also be a safe place for people who have been blamed to talk about the pain of being unfairly blamed, and how it has added more hurt to their already-shattered lives.

If it upsets you to read messages from people who are blaming others, skip those messages. Stop reading them. Ignore them. Don't put yourself in a situation to increase your own anxieties.

Sometimes, when people vent enough when they have feelings of anger, guilt, blame, etc., those feelings will subside and they will be able to let go - but if this happens, it has to be when they are ready, not when someone tells them to let go.

Please respect every member's right to grieve their own way - our journeys are unique.
Karyl
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Re: * Blaming Other People *

Postby Moun10dew » Sat Mar 16, 2013 3:57 am

I'm kind of lost on this and it's where I wish Kristin was here to guide me. I'm torn in so many directions. I know what I saw and felt when she was alive. I got two nasty texts from her husband the first month her and I were dating. I showed Kristin the first but never the second, although I told her I had received the second. She had been separated from him 6 months prior to our "first date". She had found out he had been seeing other women. This was confirmed by others. He had told their 13 year old daughter that her mom had cheated on him with me, so she ended up hating her mom...and yeah me too but I can deal. However what he did was never told to her daughter. No one, but her twin and brother in law or the police saw the final message she sent to me talking about how some of this was the cause.

I'm lost. I know that there are so few that know the whole story. Her daughter still hates me...but Kristin's husband (papers filed but never made it through prior to her passing) now wants to be friends and wants me and their daughter to try to be friends. Do I blame this guy who made her life hell while she was alive? What do I do about getting to know their daughter?

Part of me says stay away from both as without Kristin the tie to the daughter was cut and since her dad is never going to tell "the whole story" I'm being used as the target for blame and the target for his hopes of forgiveness for what he did. Do I stop blaming him, forgive? I've no rights to tell the daughter the whole story. She doesn't have to believe me. Kristin wanted both of them and me to be friends while she was alive. But that was before any of this.

I'm also afraid that if I don't give in and become their friend that I'm going to end up losing my friendship with her sister and her family. They all know what he did and they keep telling me to now get over it. Is it that easy?
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Re: * Blaming Other People *

Postby Moun10dew » Mon Mar 18, 2013 3:08 pm

I'm so stuck on this issue...I think right now it's a huge roadblock for me. I just noticed that her daughter (only 13) friended her on Facebook again after K passed away. I (and at least a few other people) know what happened before her suicide. I know what happened the 6 months that K and I dated. I know what I've heard happened before then. Her daughter is probably never going to know and she won't believe anyone but her dad. A good friend of mine who knows a lot about what happened prior and what's happening now agrees with me that I'm probably just going to have to play the bad guy here since the truth is never going to come out. Her husband has tried to apologize to me for the things he did. None of this happened before she was gone so my feeling is it's about 7 months too late.

How should I react? Do I just simply lay down and forget what he did and forgive him? I've had family members of hers that know what happened say I need to just let it go since it's in the past. Can one let it go without forgiving? Can one let it go without forgetting? Do I just tell him that right now...I've got to deal with my own stuff and let him and their daughter deal with what they did/didn't do? How do I treat them? Yes Kristin was the decision maker...they didn't pull the trigger...but in a way they sure did a lot to help drive her to do it.
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Re: * Blaming Other People *

Postby dragonflyinsummer » Tue May 13, 2014 11:31 pm

I'm in a situation but as the mother in law. While she did not tie the rope or put him on that bucket she was the driving force who pushed him to the edge. I know that no one knows the entire truth but she and I. And there is no way she is going to be honest. Unfortunately in her mind I an the entire reason her husband took his life. I am a horrible mother and grandmother. I live 3000miles away from her. There are 2 boys. I age 10. 1 age3 1/2. I have been completely cut out of their lives. They have been told to hate me. That's ok with me.I have chosen not to let her abuse me any further. Instead I have chosen to make each child a scrapbook and notebooks with poetry, quotes, and songs. The scrapbooks will have the stories to go with each step of their dad's life.With that will go the police report and coroner's report. The truth lies within those documents.
As to forgiving. I have alot to forgive this woman for. Especially passing off the toddler as my son's child, which he is not. Her emotional abuse of my son. The debt she had gotten him into once again. YES I can forgive ( I try to be a good Christian). But forgetting Hell No!!!! And not because I don't want to but because I want nothing from this woman. I am aware I'm sacrificing a relationship with the boys but I have to set healthy boundaries and this woman is not healthy.
The decision you make will be what you think best. I'm sorry we are both in a situation like this. This is life after suicide of a loved one. I believe truth will always come out. Sooner or later.
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Re: * Blaming Other People *

Postby Pheonix » Mon Jul 11, 2016 12:37 pm

Moun10dew, it looks like it has been a few years since your last post. I am now locked into a terrible similar circumstance. I was engaged to marry the love of my life after 3 years of being together. He passed away last August and it feels like my world will never recover.
His exwife treated him horribly and abused his devotion to his children. They were separated for 2 years before I came along, even though they shared their home. She got the house after the divorce even though she contributed nothing towards it because he just wanted to get away from her so he stopped fighting. When they were together she bankrupted him, never worked, EVER, and would spend months away in a neighboring town living with friends. He despised her.
Though we didn't have his very young children full time legally we had them 75% of the time factually. Since he has passed away she acts like she was never a contributing factor and wants to rewrite history painting this picture of being a perfect mother to the boys even though she was not there for most of their childhood. And, she has even put his pictures up around her home and carries on in town as though she is his widow and trying to reap praise for how wonderful the boys have turned out. She has had little to do with that. Most of their time was spent with us or a babysitter or their grandparents.
She has alienated me from the children, even after MANY emails and text messages asking to let me see the children. For the first 5 months she did the same thing to my fiances parents. The children have snuck away and tried to contact me to tell me they still love me. I have submitted to the courts for De Facto Parenting and am hoping to get to still be part of the childrens lives.
But it is sad, confusing and frustrating to watch her try to rewrite her part in the destruction of him and the on going detriment she is doing to the kids. I don't understand her behavior and I feel sometimes like I am carrying on his fight for what is right, and other times just completely overwhelmed and alone. Which, I'm sure now that he felt before his death too. Your post was the first I had seen that was even close to what has been happening to all of us. If you read this please reach out to me.
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Phoenix * Blaming Other People *

Postby Karyl » Tue Jul 12, 2016 9:49 am

Phoenix,

It sounds as if you were a loving presence in the life of your fiance and his children. When he died, you lost him, but you apparently also lost contact with his children, who had become an important part of your life. I am so sorry.

My take on this situation from what you've wrote is that at this time, you probably will not be able to change the mind and heart of the mother of his children. Trying to may just add more stress to your life, and you need peace and calm, I'd think.

Could you accept a lesser role in their lives for now - like maybe send cards to the children on their birthdays and at Christmas, cards that just remind them you love them but that don't go overboard? (If you go overboard, she might even not let them see the cards.)

Suicide is not caused by any one factor; it's usually the result of many factors that come together combined with the way an individual processes them internally.

(And does his ex-wife know that you blame her for his suicide?)

Love and peace,
Karyl, mother of Arlyn
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