My sister's ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend...

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My sister's ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend...

Postby Athena » Wed Sep 26, 2012 12:26 am

It will be exactly 1 year on October 6th since my sister died by suicide. She wrote that she couldn't go through another break up and start all over again. Her boyfriend was a great guy and we all thought they were just going through a rough time but that they'd eventually get back together. They still hung out every now and then but she kept herself distant from us.

I didn't blame him after she passed even though I really really wanted to. I just knew it wouldn't help me and that it wasn't right. I stopped staying in touch because it was too hard. But I decided to look through his Facebook today. His profile picture was of him and another girl... I looked through more pictures and I felt like I was gonna throw up. There are more pictures of them together.

I can't help but wonder if it is right for me to hate him. Isn't too soon? Is he still suffering? Does his new girlfriend know what happened? What does she think of my sister? Does she judge her and free him of all the blame?

Does he plan on coming to the 1 year anniversary get-together my parents are throwing?

I don't want to see him. I don't want to go home for that weekend. I'm not ready for this 1st year to pass.

What am I suppose to do?
Ozzy 7/3/1980-10/6/2011 I love and miss you big sis.
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Re: My sister's ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend...

Postby psyquestor » Wed Sep 26, 2012 10:06 am

((((((Athena))))))) I'm so sorry that you found out that he has a new girlfriend that way. Of course it hurts to see others moving on with their lives, when ours are still so disrupted by our grief. You asked if it's too soon for him to move on like that - only he knows that honey. Timing is different for every person traveling this journey. They were already split when she died, so he may have had some additional closure that he needed to move forward? We can never know what is going on in another person's mind; it may be that he is struggling too.

((((hugs))))
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Re: My sister's ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend...

Postby Athena » Wed Sep 26, 2012 11:45 am

Tammy, you're right; everyone does move at their own pace but it's so hard not to think wrongly of him. I don't think I ever want to know what he thinks about all this because I'm afraid his coping mechanism is to forget or replace her as soon as possible to move on and that would be way to painful to know. I wish I never looked of those pictures. He does deserve to live his life and be happy. I just can't stop thinking she should be too! And that she could be happy and that I could have helped her move past this break up. I feel ashamed of myself sometimes for moving on too. I know it's only natural to do so but I feel like I deserve it sometimes.

Do you think I should still avoid him though?

Thanks a lot Tammy! ((hugs))
Ozzy 7/3/1980-10/6/2011 I love and miss you big sis.
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Re: My sister's ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend...

Postby psyquestor » Thu Oct 11, 2012 8:00 am

Athena, If seeing him upsets you, then maybe avoiding him until you feel stronger would help. I'm not sure. My son's ex is on facebook (isn't everyone?) I had her blocked for a long time, not because I hated her but because she was a painful reminder of what could have / should have been. It was a gentler way to cope for me. Well, one day I un-blocked her posts from showing up. The next time she posted to a friends wall, it showed up on my page and there was her new profile picture of her kissing a man who looked a lot like my son. The feelings this stirred up in me were awful. It isn't that I don't want her to move on, it's just that I do not wish to be reminded of it each day. Not yet anyway. Our story is different from yours Athena, but I did want to share this with you, so you will know I do understand those unexpected hurts that come up from time to time. For us, time marches on differently than for others.

((((hugs)))))
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I thought I would lay down and die after losing my Son to suicide.
Instead I chose to fight the monster that killed him.
http://www.afsp.org

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Re: My sister's ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend...

Postby Athena » Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:01 am

I agree; we are different from others because of how close our loved one was to us. Outsiders won't understand and that's why I'm so happy to be able to vent here.

I went to the memorial and my dad invited him. Luckily and unsurprisingly, he didn't bring his new girlfriend. I had had enough time to let my intital anger subside so when I saw him, I felt much more at ease. I do feel like it was ok for him to come and that just because he has moved on, it doesn't mean that he's forgotten. I respected his wanting to come even though we told him not to feel obligated. My parents are big on politeness and wanted to be nice to invite him even though my dad out right blames him and wishes him ill will. Still he behaved civilly with only a few tries to humiliate him by snide remarks of blame.

I'm glad it's over and that there are no ill feeling between he and I. But this doesn't mean I'm comfortable seeing him or having further contact. I need to stay away from his profile and accept that I can't change how he copes with all this.

Thanks again Tammy. I'm glad you shared that with me. I'm not alone and that makes me feel less crazy. :)
Ozzy 7/3/1980-10/6/2011 I love and miss you big sis.
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Re: My sister's ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend...

Postby Moun10dew » Fri Mar 15, 2013 12:51 pm

Every once in a while over the past two weeks I've thought of this how it would relate to my situation. My girlfriend committed suicide last month. I have no desire to date now. She raised the bar so high no one will meet the standards she raised. It's not fair to them...to compair them to her isn't fair. I also fear that when/if I start dating someday...how her family would look at me. I'm coming from it at the other side.
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Re: My sister's ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend...

Postby peachblossom87 » Tue Jul 22, 2014 7:23 am

Hi Athena

I am also coming at it from the other side. My boyfriend hung himself 2 weeks after we broke up, we hadnt been happy for a really long time. I am really struggling with the fact that part of me isnt ready to move on, but part of me is because we had ended things and as much as I love him I couldnt stay with him.
I know im not ready for a relationship and wont be for a long time but I dont know if I should hate myself if something does happen....
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