I can't imagine...

[cmarie]

So they may have no meaning or relevance to anyone here, but I just figure something out, and I am so proud of myself that I have to share it.

That phrase "I can't imagine "... (fill in the blank) losing a child, continuing on with life, etc, etc has always bothered me. Always. And I couldn't figure out why -really it sounds so sympathetic. It sounds like they are there for me.

And then yesterday, it hit me like a lightening bolt - people use that phrase when they are thinking of themselves their own situation, their own feelings. So, I tell them I have lost my boy, and they turn inward and begin to think of their own children, their own potential for loss. And they are not with me at all.

I think what bothers me about it is that it doesn't feel genuine. I tell someone about the painful tragedy in my life, and like a normal human being they think of themselves while they utter trite sympathetic sounding phrases.

This is sounding very angry and not very compassionate or generous towards my fellow humans. I don't really feel that way. In fact, my insight has made me realize how much more compassionate I can be towards others.

There is always learning, is there not?

[Blossom]

Yes cmarie...learning and expanding - bumping out bigger and bigger. It's quite something...

[Crystl]

yes cmarie ..seems there is always more learning to be done as we go through this grief...
It's draining learning these lessons though don't you think?...I just wish peace for us all..*hug*

[Bereaved1]

The truth is that nobody can truly embrace any catastrophic event that they have not experienced themselves, especially the horrific loss of their child. The only way people who are trying to empathize with you can feel what you are feeling is to feel what you are feeling based on how they would feel in the same situation. They try to imagine it to help you otherwise they wouldn't engage with you at all. But, losing your child as you have done is something they cannot even imagine. It is not personal. When people cannot feel what you are feeling and cannot say the right thing to you, they will try to avoid you. It's a human survival thing.

[Suzanne]

cmarie,
It is amazing what grieving a suicide does to us as we are forced to dig deep to explore our own humanity. You have made me think that it is not necessary to imagine what another is feeling, but more important to acknowledge that they are in deep pain and to listen to their thoughts and fears.

Imagining seems to assume we know what is in another's heart. But acknowledging and listening require we open up our hearts and minds to our fellow humans.

Thank you for this insight today.

Suzanne

[angelseeker]

bereaved1 you are so right. people dont know how to cope with another's tragedy and try to personalise and put themselves in your shoes by saying "i cant imagine", not because they dont necessarily care but they dont know how to cope.i have learnt through the bootcamp of grief that i am not automatically entitled to anyone's concern or caring, as hard as that may be to accept so am very grateful for those that do care, even in their own messed up way. by the same token i completely endorse and understand your frustration,cmarie.. I am embroiled in a court case becos my gf's disgusting father is trying to contest the will by saying the signature is fraudulent (!sick).which its not, to try and inherit my home. I thus have no closure and when people ask me how the court case is going, they seem disinterested and gloss over it with "I am sure things will be fine". things are not fine. everyday is a battle with depression, the financial mess I have been left in and feeling like I am walking in a glass brick outfit separating me from the rest of the world. that saying from the bible of"forgive them. G-d< for they know not what they do": never a truer thing has been said. I dont know how many times I have felt so desparately isolated and alone in my anxiety and grief since her suicide and thats all i have repeated over and over to myself to get through a day. my deepest empathies and love goes to you. all here really do know what you are feeling.just know that. at least.

[cmarie]

Yes, thank you Suzanne, that is it in a nutshell.

[Bereaved1]

angelseeker, thank you for understanding my perspective as well as the others'. I have learned the hard way to take every attempt at kindness, gratefully. How people communicate is very complex. Your legal fight on top of your grief and financial challenges is very rough. I'm very sorry. If you study the legal mind you will get some idea of how to proceed. It is a skill. I know. I was married to a litigator. Basically, the legal world reduces everything to facts, data and money. So, writing down all the data details you can get your hands on will help you. Learning how to split from your emotional side when you face the legal world will help you. Practicing how to state how your emotional trauma has affected your finances in an unemotional as days off work because...with MD supporting notes... will help. see http://lawiscool.com/2010/03/05/how-lawyers-think/ Also Higher Power, God, Buddha is in complete control of the details.

[daybyday]

I agree - this is probably the number one phrase I hear - no matter what loss we've experienced, be it a death or a job loss. I hear it all the time, and I think you hit it on the nose. Here we are venting, looking for comfort and a person is turning inwards thinking of themselves. While I think this is natural, I also think we (as I'm sure all of us have said it or thought it at one time or another) are missing out on truly BEING THERE for a person. Truly listening. Truly hearing. After losing my dad, I felt like there were so few people who truly GOT IT and were there for me and my family. All I needed was to be heard and understood. I guess it's too much for some people to handle - so they utter useless phrases that are really no help at all. They just can't access that emotional place to be of any real comfort.

It's been a struggle for me to accept that certain people simply won't ever "be there" when you need them or HOW you need them. I don't consider myself over emotional, but I am very much in touch with my emotions. Some people aren't (or don't want to be) - they would rather live in denial. I think that's kind of a sad way to live. I'd rather FEEL more than THINK if that makes sense.

Going through the type of loss we all went through, I think in a way we've learned that life is NOT easy and bad things CAN happen to good people - but being detached is not the way to heal or get through it.

By the way, I've loved reading all the comments to this post -- such a hard lesson

[lonelymom]

Ive also thought my grief was worse than anyone elses. That was until I went to a local suicide surviors grief meeting sponsored by a local funeral home. Wow, too much too soon. Every one went around the room and shared their experience. Some were frightening, others whinning over step sisters they hadnt seen in 30 yrs. One womans step kids wanted her arrested for murder when in fact she was on the phone with 911 when her husband pulled the trigger. We left never to return. I found this online group instead.

But 13 months later I have learned that everyones grief is their own. It is a very personal journey and it matters not what anyone says or does or doesnt do. Your grief is the worst ever for you. Their is no comparing situations. Yes we can console having somethings in common. We have learned not to judge. And yes, my dearest of friends cant imagine. I have a hard time accepting it and I am living it. I am thankful and fortunate to have a friend who admits she cant relate but can see I am hurting and just loves me and comforts me as needed.