Ambush

For suggestions on what helps us cope after our lives have been affected by suicide.

Ambush

Postby Blossom » Wed Apr 09, 2014 4:51 pm

I am working with a lady who has two young children with the same names as my boys....the same unusual names.
This morning I thought I would take my favourite photo of them to to work to show her - she has been very kind. So I got the photo off the noticeboard and whamo! Where did those tears come from? And in asking outloud, I know my own truth. In that act of intention, I have connected with another human. So what's news? So it seems I have to keep learning that one thing over and over..why do I forget and forge 'ahead' by myself?

Here's to today. Even as I type, the 'moment' sort of passes. The 'moments' of four years (nearly) gone is very different to the rolling moments of early loss. Blessings to all the broken hearts here.
Blossom x

If nothing else, give refuge to those in need.
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Re: Ambush

Postby Karyl » Thu Apr 10, 2014 10:02 pm

Blossom,

I think that when tears suddenly spill over, unanticipated, it means that they were there all along, hiding, waiting on a chance to come through. The emotions of sharing so intimately with this woman may have opened the door to let those healing tears out.

Thank you for sharing this experience.
Karyl
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Re: Ambush

Postby Berna » Mon Apr 14, 2014 10:41 am

I can totally relate, time can keep going and going...but when a reminder comes, or we,re able to share...the flood gates open, making It feels like it happened yesterday. I never looked forward to death in my youth, the older I get now...I can,t wait for God to take me, that way I can be with my son again. I also look for people who are in these moments, and offer a hug...life?...They say God has plan...Gosh! I sure hope so!
Bless you all.
B
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Re: Ambush

Postby Blossom » Wed Apr 16, 2014 4:34 pm

Hi Berna

I am very sorry for the loss of your son. I know how devastating this is.

Hmm, I think our sons would be the same age were they here before us in this world....my son born in 1990.
I am glad you have found the forum. This is the hardest year. As if anybody needs to tell you... Looking back, it is such a sacred time. Horrible and sacred - at least that's my experience.

Hold tight, drink up these words on the forum, put down your own - I know it will really help along with other things. Anything goes. Keep grief moving in whatever shape or form it takes - and it does change , often minute by minute.

I would like to enquire a little more about how you are going...but I am off on holidays...keep in touch here.

As for the concept of a plan not of my making and that I must willingly submit to, well, that is scarier than the unknown ahead of me! And yet, even things , concepts, thoughts, that don't sit well on my shoulders, all took a turn in being churned up by the vulnerability of grief....sorted into shapes, sizes, uselessness, keep, discard....and kind of made a new-old me, if you can get what I mean. Well, all this far too weird, really, to lay down on a poor soul in her first year of grieving.

I want you to know that you will survive...as unbelievable as it sounds, some of your 'ordinary' old feelings will return to you. I am not patting you on the back, but trying to reassure you that you will survive what feels unsurvivable. In my first year of loss, I was as scared of what was happening to me (the 'madness of grief' feeling very much a real thing!) as I was feeling grief.

Look to the lanterns held out ahead of your, here on the forum. You will find no wiser words and comfort. As a parent, it is hard to ask for help or support, since we have been so long in denying our own gratification...but now is a time to ask for help, for comfort, for support.

Take care....I am off on holidays to a place where it is hard to get a signal! Berna, you are loved.
Blossom x

If nothing else, give refuge to those in need.
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Re: Ambush

Postby Berna » Mon Nov 10, 2014 2:09 pm

Thank you, I haven't been here for a while, it still hurts a whole lot...it's been a year and 3 months. I still wonder what happened that 24 hours before he did it, I have asked his friends who were there, his girlfriend and all I know is pieces and what the police said. I know in the core of my body there is more, his girlfriend has not returned some things that she promised me. She lives out of my state, I don't know what to do, I'm simply tired of asking. I know I should end this relationship with her, yet she is the only connection that I pray will add light to this nightmare. After speaking to her (maybe once a month or two) I am heart broken and sick, and relive it over and over again, i do want to be with him. I will never do what he did because I have a daughter, family that would just be lost if I did that. But honestly, I look forward to death, I'm not scared ...I welcome it, imagine it with great peace, meanwhile I have happy moments where I'm the comedian on stage...just pretending all I do is laugh. I'm an actress that should win an oscar for my humor, personality and generosity with a zest for life...inside I can't forgive those who were ever said anything mean to him. God give me the wisdom and grace to be strong and go on with honesty to myself and stop being the puppet on stage every weekend for crowds who have no idea what's inside. Thank you Blossom.

Love and bright light,

Berna
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