Shame

For suggestions on what helps us cope after our lives have been affected by suicide.

Re: Shame

Postby surprisedinsurprise » Mon Dec 30, 2013 8:09 am

I think that the shame comes from the feeling that each of us may feel, that we should have done something more. That one word, that one sentence, that conversation,that action, that would have prevented the final outcome. And maybe the social stigma attached? But those that don't feel the shame, maybe those people have come to terms with the idea that they did what they could, that this event was not within their control?
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Re: Shame

Postby Berna » Sun Mar 02, 2014 3:56 pm

My son died August 12, 2013, everyday is a struggle, I think it always will be..shame? ..I think there are some people that seem genuinely kind, I tell the truth about his suicide and they,ll say I'm sorry for your loss . There are times I simply say that he died in an accident, there are people who have no response at all? Who does that? I don,t understand no response!!
I feel like saying " DID YOU HEAR ME"!! I wish I hugged him more, asked more questions? I don,t know? Just don,t know..I feel everyone's pain. Hugs
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Re: Shame

Postby RD12 » Wed Mar 12, 2014 2:20 pm

People opften don't respond because they don't know what to say. Believe it or not, but many people haven't had somebody close to them die and don't have a frame of reference for a response. They may also be upset that their likely innocent question caused you to revisit a difficult subject filled with pain and grief. They are embarrased and afraid to say something else that might cause you further pain. Very few people are actually judgemental SOBs, and if they are, screw them anyways.
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Re: Shame

Postby Berna » Tue Mar 18, 2014 1:41 pm

Hi D12,
I guess your right, I never thought about it that way, then again why would any of us before this happened. Life...even though it's been close to 8 months, it feels like yesterday. Every time I hear a news story on suicide, people say the same thing... Why? UGH!...thats the magic question. We might wonder why, but will never know until we are at those gates leading into heaven, or not for those who don,t believe...will someone send me a sign, or ask my son why? I'm nuts I know.
Life. Thank you for your reply, you're the best!
Big Hug!
Berna
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Re: Shame

Postby natasha » Mon Jun 16, 2014 1:06 am

I had not thought of the shame of feeling like you had not done enough to prevent the suicide and/or mental illness being the reason to not talk about "it". That makes so much sense. I will have to give alot more credit to those survivors who have been brave enough to admit the suicide, even while going through the guilt we all feel about being unable to change it. I had thought of the wanting to protect the person's memory. So many nosy people after Nigel died wanted to know details from me that were really none of their business, I just started saying "I don't know". If he had wanted to tell them, he would have on his own, they have no right to invade his privacy like that after he is dead.
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Re: Shame

Postby angela092402 » Mon Dec 01, 2014 5:27 am

Shame! It has been 19 years since my dear brother passed on. I feel like I am shaming him or not honoring him by telling people that he took his life. I don't want to disrespect him..there is a lot of social stigma caused. I've always felt strange about the "shame" feeling but I always wanted to do my best in honoring him.
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Re: Shame

Postby GBYDY408 » Fri Jan 16, 2015 12:37 am

It seems like what the deceased was doing before they took their life, or the fact that they didn't ask for help, turns feelings of anger, sadness, or even guilt into shame. No one likes to feel ashamed. It makes them defensive.

Dad's suicide feels like a stigma that follows me around. Our family and friends associate me with dad and are reminded of how he died. One little boy doesn't understand that his 'uncle' is gone and always looks of him when I come over.

People walk on eggshells around me. A cousin was told not to cry in front of me at the funeral. What the hell?! I know everyone is hurt and angry over what happened. I'm angry for them because I know how well loved he was, but there's also a lot of resentment. It reached the point where I stopped reminiscing over the good times and I feel like they should be trying to do that for me.

I guess everyone deals with these feelings in a different way. Time has helped but I still have far to go. The posts I've read have helped and I hope this helps some of you.
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