Gratitude

For suggestions on what helps us cope after our lives have been affected by suicide.

Re: Gratitude

Postby karenp » Tue Mar 27, 2012 4:10 pm

Crisa,
I'm sorry that I haven't answered before now. I forgot to add that I wanted an email when someone posted. Then I forgot my password. LOL

I am still having difficulty in going back to church. I got a newsletter last month that our reverend had asked for a two month sabbatical from the session in Oct and Nov of this year. The chruch had a 20 year after-worship party celebrating his 20th anniversary. My husband and I went to it and he came up to me before whorship and said that he decided to take the leave after our conversation and was really sweet toward me. I sat in church that day and cried. I just hate doing that unstoppable crying thing. So I haven't been to chruch since. That was the first Sunday in March.

We went to a unity church last week that is just too far away from us to go every week. I'm not sure what to do, but I really don't want to be in this indecisive mode of behavior. I was grateful that our minister seemed to have heard that his behavior was hurtful, and people that I shared this with at my Codependent Anonymous meetings have said "aren't you glad to have been a vessle for God's message." My thought is "no." No, I am not grateful for being a vessel. And I don't think God used me to get a message across to my minister, either. I don't think God uses people to do stuff like that, even if there's tons of stories in the bible that say otherwise.

I really wish I could just come to some kind of decision, go or not go. Every Sunday, I feel anxiety. I think really I'm doing it to myself. I got so angry at my husband last week for just saying that he didn't like all the hand-holding at the Unity Church. I didn't like it either, but I pick a holy-assed fight with him. He accused me of my wanting him to tell me what to do. I think he was on the mark pretty squarely with that.

Well, thanks for letting me talk.

Love,
Karenp
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Re: Gratitude

Postby 01012011 » Tue Mar 27, 2012 4:56 pm

Karenp-I finally went back to church...MY LAST TIME. I can't get it out of my brain what my priest said to me a week after Christopher took his life. I asked him about if heaven really existed. I only wanted to hear it does and that I would see my brother again. Well-my Catholic priest told me I had Satan in me because of my doubting heaven and that I had better go to confession and confess my sin. I had fallen out of grace with God. The sooner the better. I can't let that go. Never will. This mad gave last rites to my father. This man baptised my son. This man said it was OK to get a divorce since I wasn't married in the church or the eyes of God. I trusted this man. So-consequently...enough. I must also say that I am healing somewhat. I am cleaning my house, paying my bills, knitting baby blankets for all my friends that are having babies. I smile and laugh a lot. I think only of the good times with my brother...no longer dwelling on the horrible night that took his life. My counselor has even suggested that I can help others that have experienced "suicide". I am really trying. I am so happy to have my family and my friends. They didn't give up on me. I hope all of you are keeping well. Hugs and prayers-Deborah
Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy. Sister of Christopher Arthur
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Re: Gratitude

Postby Bereaved1 » Tue Mar 27, 2012 6:09 pm

KarenP, Deborah, wow!, you are so right about Religion and Religious leaders. I have become a total Spiritual slut with the freedom to embrace what is meaningful to me from anything and anybody, anywhere. I tune into HayHouseRadio.com and was blown away last night listening to Neale Donald Walsch who wrote CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD. No one group has the deed to heaven or hell. The great American philosopher, Joseph Campbell explored all myths and has great things to say about both of those places. Let's keep talking...(((hugs)))
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
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Re: Gratitude

Postby karenp » Wed Mar 28, 2012 6:28 am

Bereaved and Deborah,

It's no wonder that suicide is such a taboo subject in a church. There are too many judgements of humans about godly things. The God of my understanding is inclusive. I'm not sure how that works with in my own judgemental attitudes toward narrow minded people, but I believe that God doesn't judge mental illness any more than God judges cancer or heart disease.

I guess that is one reason why I have loved listening to my pastor's sermons so much. He has told me before that he just doesn't believe in hell. I think living in grief, sadness, depresssion, and shame is hellish, but if I felt like the God that I worshiped committed people to hell, then I'd be firing that God and getting myself a new one. I just think this man was insensitive and too quick with his thoughts running out of his mouth. We have had several long-standing members of our church, since I have been there in the last ten years, to die. It's hard to be caring and loving and sensitive in the face of loved ones dying. So, I care for him. I am just afraid of going to church during the Easter season because it is so easy for me to cry. I feel weak and powerless with my tears that just won't stop flowing. Now staying away so long makes things awkward. I've been gone since Christmas except for a couple of Sundays.

I think I have given too much of my power to what people think of me, especially in church. And maybe I am forgetting the reason for attending church in the first place--that it is a place of worshiping my Higher Power.

I love Joseph Campbell, Bereaved. I took a class on Fairytales and Myths about 10 years ago and loved the crap out of it.

Deborah, I am not Catholic, but when my father died, I made up this story in my head that a devil had come up through the septic tank (my father was obsessively worried right at the time about having to replace their septic system) and killed my dad. Then I let my mind run away with me thinking that something evil had followed me home and that it whispered killing thoughts to me. That was my grief and my mind trying to make sense of what Daddy had done, I think. But any mention of Satan and devils and hell in church makes my heart pound like crazy. I am visualizing right at this moment that you punched your priest right in the snoz for saying such an idiot thing to you.

So another thing on my gratitude list today is this message board and the sweet people that come to talk and support.

Love,
Karenp
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Re: Gratitude

Postby Bereaved1 » Wed Mar 28, 2012 7:28 am

Thank you karenp for your lovely Post. I can only tell you what I do about tears in public because it seems to me that is our biggest issue. You are really cool about what you need from Spirituality and Religion. When going to Unity services felt appropriate and helpful for me, I just let my tears flow because I couldn't stop them and got warm hugs from people who know how to hug. I was too busy getting hugs with my tears flowing to even notice the others. Just after Jacob passed, when I had to teach and couldn't stop my tears, but couldn't teach with them flowing, my MD and I decided on a very low dose of Cymbalta that I monitored and made sure was not too strong for me. I know myself and that I only always need about 1/2 the dose that is prescribed for me of any medication. And I tell them! This worked for a few months in that I felt emotionally constipated. I felt like crying but my tears wouldn't flow, which was exactly what I wanted. When I felt I didn't need the Cymbalta anymore, I weaned off the Cymbalta very carefully and slowly with my MD's support and information about weaning off Antidepressants that I found on the Internet, including the Ask.com website where I paid for more Professional advice. Sending love back at you and a (((hug))) Let's look forward to a happy Easter that is all about transcendence. I tend to find the overcoming part of things a lot more important than the suffering.
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
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Re: Gratitude

Postby Bereaved1 » Wed Mar 28, 2012 9:25 am

I am very grateful for my sunglasses. Don't forget your sunglasses. They can hide your tears.
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
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Re: Gratitude

Postby karenp » Wed Mar 28, 2012 9:36 am

I am grateful for waterproof mascara, also. As well as living in the South and can blame my red eyes on all the pollen.

:)
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