Confusing emotions

Especially for those who have lost a friend to suicide, who is not included in the other Connecting forums.

Confusing emotions

Postby orna » Wed Jan 21, 2015 7:31 pm

My friend James took his life five and a half months ago. We only found out in December that it was suicide. When I first heard he'd died I assumed he'd killed himself as he'd tried to do it a couple of months earlier. But then people said maybe it wasn't as there was no note. So for months I was in limbo, not knowing what had happened.I think not knowing meant I couldn't grieve. Now that I know I can't stop crying. A couple of days ago I cried as hard as I did the day I found out. Sometimes I've almost forgotten, and then I remember again and it feels like my heart is breaking and in the same moment someone punches me in the stomach. I'm desperately sad to have lost him but I'm starting to feel almost angry. Im angry he didn't say goodbye. I wish he'd let me help more. Told me that he was planning to overdose again. I understand why he didn't, he didn't want to be stopped, but I wish I was given more of a chance to help. I guess I'm actually angry with myself. It wasn't for him to 'let' me help him, I should have taken upon myself to look after him
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