Mike, I can't believe you have been gone 1 month. Today is my 49th Birthday. Today I will spend most of my day thinking about you killing yourself one month ago. I am sorry I didn't read your text to me telling me you were done. I always read my texts right away, but I was tired that night because I drove home with my family and I fell asleep on the couch.. I was texting you and Sherry and I fell asleep as you texted me your last words to me...asking if it was OK to die. I didn't answer because I fell asleep ! It was 0130 in the morning ! When I woke up I saw your text and immediately texted you back. I told you how I would be your shoulder to lean on...whatever you needed. You never texted me back... You chose to drive your kids to school and say "goodbye". They looked at you as if.."see you later Daddy"... How could you just go home and drink tons of that Vodka and then lay on the bed and shoot yourself in the temple with that .44 !! Why on Earth could you kill yourself in your own house where you knew your 15 year old daughter would find your brains all over the bed...!! She is MESSED up !!
Mike, why on earth did you decide to really go through with this !! ?? What were you thinking !!??
It's been one crazy month. When I flew down to Atlanta, Georgia on April 3rd and drove 5 hours to Hilton Head, South Carolina, I think I cried half way there. When I got to the hotel and met your other best friend Turner, I somehow thought you were going to jump out from behind something and yell "Just Kidding !! April Fools Day !!". Everywhere I went for that first day, I expected to run into you. But I was there and you weren't. It was like you created this big vortex of emptiness.
The first couple of days I was there in the hotel, I just felt loss. I just felt absolutely numb. I will never forget how alone I felt. I didn't feel like eating or sleeping or being. At night the first couple days I kept waking up suddenly in a sweat having imagined you crying and feeling like S***, and asking God to forgive you. I saw you in my mind as you sat at your desk, writing your 13 page suicide letter. I have been just nervous wondering if you blame me for not answering you. You were obviously pissed off at the World. 13 pages of goodbyes. You didn't have to write that... you could have just called me. I could have talked you out of ending your life. Your Daughters Mike ! You took away from them something so precious. Their Dad. They know where you are right now. I know you are with Jesus, because I led you to Christ last year. You gave you life to Jesus and he wiped away all your Sin. When you died, I imagined an Angel took your Spirit by the hand and lifted you out of that Earthly Shell. He led you from utter despair and darkness into the most overwhelming love that you have ever felt. Right into the arms of Christ.
I am actually jealous of where you are. Because I know for a fact of where your Soul is. You can see God face to face just like you told me in your text. But it was all so unnecessary, at least to me...for you to leave us. I have traversed through many different stages. Unbelief..shock..terrible sadness, weeping all day, vivid nightmares. The nightmares are really messing me up. My sleeplessness is just crazy. For the first 2 weeks, I kept seeing you shoot yourself, and the bleed out all over your bed. I still wake up soaked in my own sweat as that scenario plays over and over in my head. What was the final straw. Did you know you had lung cancer ? Did you just decide to pull the plug? So many questions I will never have answers to.
Mike you were the brother I never had...I knew you for 30 years. Lived with you for 4, and we are still best of friends forever. We flew airplanes together as pilots for a lifetime. Damn you... I keep seeing you in my head, all your mannerisms. Your laugh. The way you walked. It's weird me thinking about you being dead. I saw something on Facebook that cracked me up last week, and I immediately wanted to send you a text but had to remind myself that you were dead.
I feel like I am living in a Nightmare. When I go to bed, you are in my thoughts, and when I wake up there you are in my consciousness, right in front of me. It's just constant. I work all day and in the quiet moments when I use to stare out into the sky and not have a thought in my head...a mental daydream. There you are and I remember that you are not here. I can't escape from it.
Did you know "T" put a gun to her head a week after you died. She texted me and posted a photo of her with a gun. She told me she wanted to feel what you felt. A shockwave went thru me as I realized I might lose another friend. Cruel.
Mike did you not know how much I valued you ? Who am I going to go shooting film photography with ? I went into the darkroom for the first time since you died last night. It wasn't the same without you there cheering me on and waiting for me to post photos to Flickr.com
I need to understand your grief and why you chose to do this. I need closure and it will never come. Why !! ??
I love you Mike, you were my best friend for 30 years. I consider you my family.
I know we will see you again. I know you are not in pain, but it's like you pulled the pin on a hand grenade and it killed you and it sent emotional shrapnel into all of us. It really does hurt.
I am so sorry you are gone. Rest in Peace my brother, Until we meet again..
I am new here myself, just lost my sister to suicide two months ago today, came here hoping to find some solace, but it's not a heavily populated place, is it? I came upon your post, and it is so eloquently written, and describes so well what ALL "survivors" are feeling. I lost my best friend in 1992 to natural causes, and we were soul mates like you and Mike, so I am sadly familiar with your loss. The fact, as I am learning with the loss of my sister, that it was self-inflicted complicates it exponentially. It is with the deepest empathy that I offer you my condolences on your loss of Mike, and on the terrible means that you lost him through. I hope your nightmares have ended, because I know that once they do, it will clear a path for the real Mike to send you his love in your dreams. Your nightmares are just all of your feelings of shock, loss, and horror trying to play themselves out. I hope "T" is doing better, what she did is alarming. My family has made a pact with each other not to hurt ourselves, because we know that it could start a chain reaction. They worry about me the most it seems, because I have no children, and I guess that makes them think I don't have much to live for, but I have a wonderful husband, and I would never do anything to him that would put the look on his face like he had the moment I told him that Kathy killed herself. Never. Oh, I may suffer, and make them miserable, but I will never be the one to put "that" look into the eyes of anyone I love, not for any reason, no matter how bad I feel. I never want to see that look on a human face again for as long as I live. It really concerns me that "T" wants to know how Mike felt in that last moment. I hope she is doing better and finding healthier and safer ways of grieving. Perhaps you could discuss this with her, and make a "no suicide" pact with her. Our loved ones obviously weren't considering the impact that their actions would have on their loved ones, were they? I'm sure part of it is that they didn't love themselves, and found it easy to believe that their deaths would have no impact on those that loved them. Perhaps they even felt that there would be no impact because they felt unlovable, no matter how many loved them, and how much they were loved by them. I know my sister was such an integral part of my life that many of my decisions in life were made around her, but I also know that she hated herself and really couldn't imagine how much I loved her because she felt so unworthy. Well, what can I say, I guess they know now just how important they were, how loved they were, and what a difference they made, though I must say, I hope that God shields them from seeing the pain that they have caused, I'm sure it would devastate them to see how much devastation they left behind.
Well Greg, I wanted to respond to you because what you wrote here was so eloquent and heartfelt that it deserves to be acknowledged, even in this lonely place. I will keep you in my prayers Greg, and hope that time will treat you kindly and bring easier days to you soon. Wishing you peace in your heart and soul, Mary Catherine
I'm still in disbelief of my cousin Dave's suicide. I am angry that he did not reach out in some way (he may have been way too far down the rabbit hole of depression to do so, from what I understand).
A part of me still likes to think he just got on his bike and took off to the West Coast, sitting on a beach like Don Draper, but I know it's just a lie I tell myself to numb the pain.
Actually, when you think about your cousin Dave going down the road, even though you know he's gone, it's not really lying. I think it's just allowing yourself to imagine or to fantacize for a little bit, to take a break from the harshness of reality.
Can you tell us about Dave?
I supposed his Achille's heel was that he was described by one of his buddies as a perfectionist. He was being asked to take a position in his firm that he did not want, from what I understand. I don't understand why he did not just decide to retire.
This is all I know.
I've read that perfectionism can be a factor in some suicides. If someone does not live up to his or her own standards, expecting everyything to be perfect, it can be difficult for that person to cope with.
How did you find out that Dave had taken his life?