unusual reaction

For friends and family members of people who took the life of someone else before ending their own lives. Issues relating to murder-suicide complicate grief for those left behind, so the need for positive support is significant.

unusual reaction

Postby pegasus » Fri Mar 18, 2011 7:37 pm

The 24 year anniversary of my dad and brother's deaths is tomorrow. Yesterday I was having a cigarette with a friend I've known for nearly two years now, she often tells me of her woes; has confided a lot in me and so when she asked me to hang out with her tomorrow night I figured I could be honest about why I wouldn't be up for it. I tried to keep it casual, I summed it up in just a few sentences and kept my tone very even keel because, frankly, I'm used to large reactions. I didn't WANT a large reaction, or pity, I just wanted to own up a secret to someone I regard as a friend.

But she didn't even acknowledge me. She changed the topic to the problems another friend of hers once had, to this other woman's disabled son who died over 20 years ago. If I hadn't just exposed myself I wouldn't have minded hearing about her friend, but I really don't get her reaction! To be dismissed? I'm hurt. I'm wondering if it was some sort of coping mechanism she was utilizing, like maybe she felt she couldn't handle it so that's why she didn't acknowledge it and changed the topic. I don't know.

Now I wish I'd not said a damn thing.
Last edited by pegasus on Fri Mar 18, 2011 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: unusual reaction

Postby ScottsMom » Fri Mar 18, 2011 8:07 pm

That was deflating. I'm sorry. I don't know or pretend to understand why these types of things happen- I try and dole out excuses to soften the blow but I too don't get it.

I hope tomorrow won't be too difficult for you. I can only imagine the twisted emotions concerning the events, your fathers death and your brothers. I am thinking of you and wishing you some peace.

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Re: unusual reaction

Postby pegasus » Fri Mar 18, 2011 9:12 pm

Thank you V, I'm thinking I'll head out to place flowers on their graves tomorrow, alone. I don't have a set tradition and it's been a few years since I was last there. Otherwise, business as usual on the outside :)
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Re: unusual reaction

Postby polo126 » Sat Mar 19, 2011 6:57 am

I had a somewhat similar experience right after my brother died a little over a year ago. I told someone I exercised with regularly about his death and she expressed sympathy, but then said that it was something she did not feel capable of discussing. I had not tried to discuss it with her, so I was upset by her response. She later sent me a lovely sympathy card. I suppose that her response was a way of setting boundaries, but when she told me about troubles of her own after that I felt very resentful. Now I don't feel angry anymore, but I don't really talk to her much either. As I write this I realize how inadequate I felt when my brother talked about his pain and I wish so much that I had found the right words to say to him to relieve the anguish that he experienced. It is so hard to know what to do and say all the time in this world. Wishing you peace, comfort, and love.
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Re: unusual reaction

Postby pegasus » Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:49 am

Polo,

Thank you so much, "It is so hard to know what to do and say all the time in this world," this is so true and brought me a measure of peace. Perhaps she simply felt she couldn't handle it, so be it. The sad part is I now know she is not the type of friend I thought she was, but with the help of your words, I can forgive that.

Wishing peace to you today as well, I'm sure your brother felt your love and concern when you spoke, but in the end no one can undo entirely the pain of another.

I'm so grateful there is a place I can share these thoughts where others can understand, thank you.
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Re: unusual reaction

Postby gatorfan66 » Wed Dec 28, 2011 2:22 am

I have found that people don't know what to say and get really uncomfortable or just blurt out something stupid that makes me sooooo mad I could tell them off and then I find myself having to defend Scott! I get so sick of people trying to tell me how I am suppose to feel or this one REALLY gets me....they will tell me "you know he is in hell now don't you" oh my...if you don't think that doesn't go off like a time bomb you just need to be confronted with them "so called Christians"...now I'm not knocking Christianity because I am a Christian and I direct them back to some biblical knowledge and they just act like you must have fallen off the face of the planet...but that is their problem and when they push it I don't mind telling them they are ignorant and need to get a life and stufy the bible themselves! rrrrrrrrrrr
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