For friends and family members of people who took the life of someone else before ending their own lives. Issues relating to murder-suicide complicate grief for those left behind, so the need for positive support is significant.
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Sun Dec 12, 2010 10:47 pm
It has almost been one year since my Father took his life along with the life of someone else.... I have no explanation for what he did. Everyday it gets alittle easier to deal with but I do feel alone. It makes it very complicated that he took someone else's life also...not only the leagal ramifications but the emotional ones too. Currently I am stuck in the middle of a lawsuit b/c of my Father's actions.... There is so much I want to say to the victim's families but I can't.... I never had and I probably never will have a funeral or memorial for my Father. He was just there one day and gone the next leaving me with an enormous mess to clean up!
- Posts: 188
- Joined: Sat Nov 06, 2010 1:20 am
Dear Cindy: I am so sorry for your loss...Regardless of what the circumstances are, you have lost your father and you have been robbed of the normal grief process. I can't imagine the added burden you are dealing with. Continue to visit all the threads on the forum because though your particular story has added complications, one we all have in common and share is the loss of a loved one. It is unfortunate in this litigamous society you are being targeted, for you had nothing to do with your father's actions. I can understand you wanting to speak with the victim's families. Maybe you can write down your thoughts and feelings and some day through the attorneys your message can be conveyed to them. I hope in the days ahead you can find comfort and peace and find some way to memorialize your father.
Peace & Comfort to you,
"The time came when the pain it took to stay, was greater than the pain it took to go."
- Posts: 1047
- Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2010 8:00 am
- Location: Ohio
I don't know why there aren't many posts . I can relate to your father's death but cannot imagine what his taking of another life adds. I can only guess that the extra difficulties make it harder for members in your position to post.
If you wish to post please do. Others like you are here. Post for yourself though. I read every post and certainly am interested in your issues. I'm positive others are as well.
Perhaps others like you will respond too. Your unique set of griefs deserve attention and everything you feel is valid. You could even post the things you wish you could say to the other family. Get things out if you can. Somewhere. I know it takes courage for each of us to share here. If you feel a little brave, I'm listening.
- Posts: 1591
- Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 3:01 pm
Hey Cindy.....I know how important it is to reach out and find some commonality in our experience. I can't provide this for you, yet I can. I can't imagine the stress of the legal issues you are facing. I think blume07 had a good suggestion to write to the victim's family....but you can decide later whether to send it or not....that may free up your writing or at least give you a window of flexibility to make a start. If you are not a writer, then there may be other ways you can express yourself...you know you best. A conciliation service may have some ideas you have not thought of, not necessarily to have a face to face conciliation...they have lots of experience and have witnessed many creative and magical paths to healing.
We are very willing to listen and be taken through the complications you may wish to share. We are not scared of difference...all of our experiences are different in some way - if anything, we will step up to the mark for you.
As the forum moved to this new site some months ago, the history of posts under murder/suicide got lost and I am sorry for this now that I read of your circumstances and needs. Try us at least. We'll try in kind.
I have yet to live through the 1st anniversary of the loss of my son - I can only say that if it is going to be anything like Christmas, then my heart goes out to you. Take care.
If nothing else, give refuge to those in need.
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Fri Nov 19, 2010 6:03 pm
Thank you for posting, the quiet in this forum is quite "loud." I'm so sorry that in addition to the grief and trauma of your father's death, you now have to deal with legal ramifications - I cannot imagine. Do you have siblings or other family to speak with and grieve with? May I also ask why you've not had a funeral or memorial service? I guess I only ask because it seems to me like it might help, a stepping stone for healing if you will, but that's just my thought process.
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 7:14 am
I appreciate your response on my postings, and in a lot of ways I do know what you've been going through. I am an only child as well, and my dad died very publicly and violently. I can't imagine the added stress of a lawsuit, I will pray that it works out. I know we can not be responsible for what our dads have done, very luckily mine did'nt hurt anyone else. I did want to tell you what we did for my dads memorial service. (It was within a week of it happening so the media coverage was unbelievable at the time) I know you were worried about this so I wanted to let you know that nobody bothered us. We did'nt have a funeral announcement or anything, but we did'nt go through great strides to hide out either. We just had a small memorial at my grandmas house, her preacher came and said a few words. We shared stories about him, little things you know? Then we had KFC dinner outside. It was terribly hard, but I am glad we did this. However I don't know what your circumstances are, my grandmother made the arrangements and my dad made the arrangements for his cremation prior to his death. Plus he was remarried so not much of it was left on me. God I am so so sorry you are going through this, just an fyi there may be a local group in your area that you can visit, we have one here that meets once a month and the people are really amazing.
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 7:14 am
I guess I was'nt quite done. Ya know you don't have to have the run of the mill service either. You and your family can cook a nice dinner, or go out to a nice dinner and share some quiet memories of your dad. Ours actually got me to laughing (horror) but it was just really relaxed. You know a time to honor who he was to me. it helped me get some perspective.'
Gosh AND your husband is deployed? Does he qualify for emergency family leave? I dont know really but I remember when my stepsisters mom and my mom were arguing over Krystal they shipped pauls butt back stateside. Until you''re able to get more support locally please know that we wait here for you. I check the posts every few days, and if you're a member maybe we can chat one evening. I guess we just keep on keepin on........take care girl
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2011 6:51 pm
I am new here… because my mother hung herself 7 months ago & I am mainly under that “section”, but ended up reading your post. I have to be honest with you I could not imagine how you feel. This must be so difficult for you I don’t know if this will help but I can tell you something that happened to my family in the past.
Back in the 90’s my aunt & uncle (who were in their 20’s) were going on a camping trip with friends. The traffic was terrible and they pulled into a church parking lot to rearrange their things and switch drivers. Much of their belonging were in camping bags and large industrial black bags. As they were rearranging, a man who worked at the church came out and rushed up to my uncle accusing him of littering because he saw the black bags. My uncle went to turn around and explain/show him what he was doing- without him getting a word in, the man took out a gun and shot him right in the head & my uncle died instantly. He was a good man, he was different that most of the kids his age. His mom (my grandma) pretty much raised me & this was a complete devastation!
We had to go through so many things-letters every year & so much more to keep this man locked up. But this is what I wanted to tell you if it helps at all in any way…. What than man did was so hurtful and left us with a hole in our hearts for the rest of our lives and we will never understand and well… to be honest probably never forgive. However… not once did our family need an apology or words from his family. I can tell you words from his family have never been necessary because it is “internally understood”, with all of us that were affected, that they were suffering too and it was not their fault.
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2011 12:50 am
I see this post has been dorment awhile but thought I would give it a try. On July 23, 2011 my ex-husband who was like a brother to me and part of our family killed his neighbor and then himself. Scott and I were married young and it just didn't work out and after a couple of years past we became good friends, we have a daughter together that is 26 now and a granddaughter who is 4. He was from Kansas orginally but moved to Florida 28 yrs ago and so he was with us longer than his own family. Scott was 50 yrs old and the neighbor was 19 (male). Scott was suppose to move to my parents house the NEXT day but instead my Mom and my brother went to see why he hadn't called and she couldn't get a hold of him and when they still couldn't get him to the door she started over to the neighbors to confront him being they had been having problems...then they saw the bullet holes coming from out of the apartment. Long story short...he was slammed all thru the news except for one tv station. They made him sound like a crazed maniac that could have caused catasraphic (sp?) damage to the public had he turned his eye that way..that was the newspaper! I couldn't believe that! It went on and on comparing him to Fort Hood or Norway (I guess because he was a Vet) but it was just crazy! At that time anyone could make comments under a story and it got really, really out of hand until I finally stepped in and told them I would meet them anywhere anytime to discuss their remarks in person...the newspaper has sence took all the comments down and you have to have a fb account to comment...which really doesn't mean it is who they say it is but anyways... it has been a nightmare! So far no one has tried to sue my daughter but some bill collectors send "condolences" along with threats and I handled that part and finally told them the address to the cemetery where he is and told them go there and tell him and see if they can get anywhere with that. They even have that horrible article splashed across police websites and it is crazy! I hope tho that things are better for you now. It is still fresh for us and I am thankful that we didn't have what you have to go thru to deal with. I just can't believe how horrible that must be on top of everything else. On a earlier post it gives a page on fb and it is a good page to be on...A Hand to Hold is the name of it. ~~Melony
- Posts: 213
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2011 7:22 pm
I do not have words to express how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I hope that you can provide your father with a memorial service when you are able. You have lost your only dad. You deserve to grieve. I wish I had the words to give you to let you know that I'm thinking of you and wish you didn't have to experience the lawsuits or the pain. Take care of yourself. One minute at a time, one hour at a time, you are not alone.