Daddy killed Mother, then himself 4/16/2014

For friends and family members of people who took the life of someone else before ending their own lives. Issues relating to murder-suicide complicate grief for those left behind, so the need for positive support is significant.

Daddy killed Mother, then himself 4/16/2014

Postby TexasRmywife » Sun Jun 08, 2014 12:04 pm

I have my rough days of grief, wondering if I had been there enough for him or why hadn't he just left her if he was that miserable about how his retirement turned out. My dad had emailed me (something he doesn't do) 4 days before this horrible tragedy. He basically spilled all of his thoughts and emotions out, another thing he never did. He spoke of the additional money my mom wanted to spend to acquire another "hoarding storage", since they currently lived in a very posh. RV for the last 5 yrs. He mentioned the money she inherited that she denied she received (since I was to receive a separate inheritance myself) and the constant bickering that has gotten worse since my sister and I left home 20+ yrs ago and since he retired 7yrs ago. He even mentioned their lack of intimacy and disgust she displayed towards him. He apologized that he couldn't deal with it any longer and he apologized that he was leaving me with the fight for his money and her medical issues (hypochondriacis). She had just wore him down to a shell of a man, along with other issues he suffered with. That email was a confession of issues he NEVER spoke to anyone about, not even his brother or sister. All to which he ended, "This is my last will and testament, I leave everything to you'. I didn't see the email until the next day, and I burned his cellphone up trying to contact him, I lived 3 hours drive away. He called back and told me that I had nothing to worry about, it was sent by mistake - "Google timed out and sent it" I told him I wasn't stupid, Google didn't do that. I expressed how scared I was of losing my daddy, even at 43, I still NEEDED him in my life. The next 2 days included a lot of communication and reassurances by him that everything was fine, even up until 3 hrs prior to their deaths. At 8pm, My dad called me and said everything was good, they had talked and it was just one of their normal fights. To give you an idea how her mind works and what my dad has dealt with, 4 months earlier, my mom passed out during an argument, because she can't be wrong/stop arguing, but she had the nerve to say my dad waited 45 mins to call the ambulance. How would she know, unless she was faking it?? But my dad reassured me all was good. Then he called after my husband and I had gone to bed - 1050pm, to ask for my forgiveness and not think badly of him, but he had killed my mother. I was in complete utter shock, begged him to tell me it wasn't true. He proceeded to tell me about the bank accounts, life insurances and what I could do with the RV and their truck. At first I didn't hear anything he said, because all I could comprehend was that I knew this was last conversation I would be having with my daddy. And I couldn't believe it. My husband had already jumped from bed and called their local police, knowing that they wouldn't get there in time. I pleaded with my dad that there were other alternatives, that this didn't have to be the only way. He said if he left her, he would have no money left to survive on or leave to me - just like their previous near divorce 20yrs ago. He took her back then, because it was cheaper to keep her. And he said, if he took his own life, I would have to endure a fight for his money AND deal with the agony of her medical issues - and he didn't want that because I didn't deserve it. And lastly, he couldn't go to prison for murder, because he can not live with what he has done. Hearing the anguish in his voice, he was truly remorseful for killing her and it told me that he did love her, desperation had just overwhelmed him. All I could do is sob and beg him not to go. There was no way I was hanging up on him, he was going to have to be the one to disconnect. I begged him over and over, that we could figure something out. And there was silence between us for what seemed like eternity. He finally said "Kiddo, I need to call the security gate and have them send the police" I screamed at him not to go, and he hung up. I don't even remember either one of us saying I Love you. How could I not remember that? I hope I said it enough. Now the difficulty begins of handling their estates without a will. UGH!

We found out from the police that he had shot her 4 times point blank range with a pump action 12 gauge shot gun. He owned guns all my life, never a 12 gauge. And why not with a hand gun? 4 times?? I knew she said something that triggered that kind of rage, rage my dad NEVER EVER displayed. Did she say she was leaving him, is that why he killed her, so she couldn't take my money as he stated? All I could think about is what changed those last few hours? My dad has given up his dreams and desires about how his retirement would be, because my mom dictated everything. I feel she would make up illnesses so they couldn't move from the RV park they were staying at, or they would end up on the property of a friend of hers. Dad never had a say so, without a fight. So he kept quiet. He was always such a gentle, kind man, giving and helping anyone. But the sad sad thing is, I have found a lot of pictures of them over the years, and my dad is not smiling in many. As for my mother, I'm truly not sad that she is gone. All the drama and negativity is gone, all the complaining and lack of wanting to change, is gone. I miss the after work phone calls on my way home (I could limit the length), but that is all I miss. And I am sad, that my parents won't be here for their first grandchild's high school graduation (in a yr) and college graduation - which they both knew was important to their grandchild. She suffers too, but in a different way than me, or my husband. He was the Best thing since sliced bread, Daddy worshipped the ground he walked on, I could see it in their conversations, hear it from relatives & friends, the way that daddy talked about him. They are both struggling in their own ways. Making it difficult for me to help them through it, being that I am the one who is there for everyone else. My sister, absent for a 5 year period after my dad helped her financially after her divorce - then disappeared when dad asked for pay back, only came back into the picture when I drug her to see our parents 2 yrs ago, so that something happened to them - there would be no regrets. Daddy never mentioned her in his last phone call. But he had to know I would do the right thing and divide it all between the two of us. Don't know if he knew she was getting ready to lose her new house to foreclosure.

What bothers me most, eventhough I know I can't change anything - did I do enough? Was I a good enough daughter to him? Why weren't we enough? Why did he not look for other options? What was truly bothering him, that he couldn't talk about it? Father's Day is around the corner and dread it more than I can express in words. And my sister has their remains, and I don't want to retrieve them from her house. I have never dreaded something so much, in my life. I just want to move on with my life and be happy again, is that so wrong to ask?
TexasRmywife
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Re: Daddy killed Mother, then himself 4/16/2014

Postby Karyl » Sun Jun 08, 2014 6:28 pm

Dear Texas,

My heart goes out to you. I just read your message, your story of what happened, your story of the end of your dad's life, and I can feel the intense sadness that is filling you up right now.

I also hear a great deal of anger, almost rage, at your mother.

The tragedy of the loss of both your mother and father at the same time has to be overwhelming. There are so many issues to deal with, and it may be hard to know where to start.

All of us have not lost parents to suicide, but some of us have. We are all reaching out to you, hoping you will find the support you need, as you post on this site.
Karyl
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Re: Daddy killed Mother, then himself 4/16/2014

Postby cmarie » Mon Jun 09, 2014 9:12 am

I am so sorry for what you are having to face. All the loss.

It's been my experience that there is a process with grief and this early part means we need to take the time to ask why and what if... As you know, there aren't any answers- never will be. But somehow through it all you come out of it with a story that will serve your purposes.

Take care of yourself, counselling, rest, exercise. It all helps.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
cmarie
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