My father committed a murder suicide

For friends and family members of people who took the life of someone else before ending their own lives. Issues relating to murder-suicide complicate grief for those left behind, so the need for positive support is significant.

My father committed a murder suicide

Postby colonyxgalaxy » Tue Apr 26, 2011 8:12 pm

I lived in an abusive home until I was 15. I took the initiative to file an EPO against my father in 2006 to get him out of the house because I just couldn't live with it anymore. Things progressively got worse only between me and him because I was the only one standing up to him and he just didnt like that. My father was diagnosed as a sociopath and he definitely showed it. The things I, and my siblings and mother, went through were very brutal and to the extreme. After he left, he fought in the court to get visitation rights and they thought the abuse was something under control now, which I always knew wasn't true. He ended up getting those rights but I never went for any of them. My sister and two younger brothers would go spend the weekends with him every week. Everyone thought I was being over-dramatic with my reactions to everything and I made it clear that if I hadn't of done what I did, we all would have died. No one believed me until December of 2009, when my mother got a phone call that he had committed a murder suicide during one of his weekend visits. He killed my 13 year old disabled sister. From the reports of her autopsy, she died from asphyxia (suffocation) and he died from carbon monoxide poisoning. They were both laying on a mattress in the garage with his arm wrapped around her. She had a hand print on the back of her neck, she was face down in the mattress when they were found, and only one side of her cheek was red. It was obvious that he suffocated her into the mattress. As for him, he left his truck running with the garage door closed and his whole body was red. When you die from carbon monoxide poisoning, it causes all of your bloody vessels to pop in result turning you red. He also bled out through his nose and ears. Coming from his reports, its possible he took some pills before hand, possibly my sisters medication that isn't meant for a person that does not have the problems her body had. Dealing with the trauma of the abuse I endured as a child was hard enough to bare and I did what I did so that this would never happen. I just wanted my siblings, my mother and myself to be safe and to live a life without any abuse and to not live in fear anymore. But the fate for someone in my life was way out of my hands. I did what I could but it just wasn't enough. Trying to cope with my sisters death has been harder than anything i've endured myself and I just don't know how to deal with this lying on my shoulders any longer. I can't seem to get the right support or understanding from the people around me. Usually their only response is "man that sucks" or "thats really heavy" and i need alot more support than that. I can't afford a therapist either so i am lost as to what to do to get through this. Hopefully someone can offer some advice or support that i am looking for. thanks for reading, Jenny.
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Re: My father committed a murder suicide

Postby ScottsMom » Tue Apr 26, 2011 8:57 pm

Jenny

I am extremely sorry for everything that lead you here. Losing your sister after all you went through must be crushing.

I have not lost anyone to murder and even though I imagine the shock and suddenness is similar to losing my son I can't possibly know the depth of your pain.

The souls here are so caring and I hope you will feel supported and find some comfort here. Many areas have counseling available on a sliding scale and I have seen free counseling through Catholic Charities in some locations. Finding a support group for loss through murder, suicide or myrder/suicide would be another free option that would be worth a search. Counseling is expensive but there are options.

I hope you will tell us about your sister sometime.
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Re: My father committed a murder suicide

Postby Karyl » Wed Apr 27, 2011 10:22 am

Jenny,

I'm so sorry that your father is gone, and that he killed your sister.

A murder-suicide has to be so difficult to deal with on several levels, especially when the person who did it was your own father.

It sounds as if your father was a very troubled man all his life, and as if your family suffered greatly because of his problems. How do you feel about him?

And can you tell us more about your sister?
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Re: My father committed a murder suicide

Postby tawna » Wed May 04, 2011 12:49 pm

I am so very sorry that you have so much and then a murder-suicide of your loved ones as well is just plain tragic and difficult to learn to live with. I too am a murder-suicide survivor-my 22yr old son killed his estranged girlfriend before taking his own life. There is an online support group a private one just for m/s survivors-facebook me tawna righter and I will connect you. It is a private facebook group that is growing. Unfortunately really, but glad survivors are finding us at www.caascenter.org where you'll find informative info about homicide-suicides and surviving them. best wishes hope this helps. I'm available any time too if you want to email me at tawna@caascenter.org
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Re: My father committed a murder suicide

Postby pegasus » Tue May 10, 2011 6:59 pm

Jenny,

I'm so so sorry you're going through this. My dad murdered my brother before he killed himself...he was also mentally ill, he was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. I was younger than you when it happened - I was eight years old. But I knew I couldn't trust him even at that age. When it happened my mom was in a rehab for alcoholism and she'd given my brothers and I the choice to either live with our father while she was away, or with her friend. My brothers chose our father, I chose my mom's friend because by then I'd learned to hate and mistrust my dad.

It's been 24 years since my dad murdered my brother and killed himself, I've learned to forgive and have healed a lot with time, but it's certainly never something you get "past." And I know what you mean when you say no one understands...but I do. Please contact me if you ever want to talk, I'll try to privately message you my email address.

You're in my thoughts,
Jessica
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Re: My father committed a murder suicide

Postby ARDsMother » Thu May 26, 2011 6:20 pm

Hi, Jenny, if you're still reading on this site, would you let us know how you're doing?

My hope is that you and Jessica have connected by private messaging - it seems
she might be a really good person for you to lean on right now.

I'm also very, very sorry for what you and your family have endured. We learn
that life isn't fair, but my hope for you is a wonderful future - to be able to
make for yourself the kind of life you should have always had.

Best regards to you, Dear,

s.
♥ I miss you, Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Sweetheart, every moment of every day... rest in peaceful slumber ღஜღ
http://www.gratefulness.org "pos" group for Parents of Suicide candles
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Re: My father committed a murder suicide

Postby pegasus » Tue Jun 14, 2011 11:42 pm

I've not heard from Jenny outside of her original post, but I would very much like to speak to her - to support, identify, help if I can.
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Re: My father committed a murder suicide

Postby colonyxgalaxy » Sat Jul 09, 2011 5:50 pm

I apolygize for taking this long to respond to all of you, I havn't had internet access in quite some time. It was really warming to come back to all of your replies, to know that people out there do care. I am still trying to cope with everything that has happened. In the last couple of months, I did have two major breakdowns. One of them ended with my boyfriend that I live with ended up taking me to the hospital. Ever since i was about age five, I would have ptsd/anxiety episodes where it got so extreme that it was mistaken for me having seizures. In my most recent "breakdown", this is what happened. It was like my body/mind was going into total shock from being too overwhelmed from playing everything in my head over and over again of what happened. I waited at the hospital for a psychiatric nurse to come talk with me and I told her everything that has happened and tried to explain to her how i've been feeling. She gave me a list of income-based therapists but even that, is still something i cant afford so im still trying to deal with this on my own. Thank you everyone for your support, Jessica i will send you a message so we can talk more. I am so sorry for your loss as well, what we've been through is extreme and no one should ever have to know how much pain it feels to go through something like this. Tawna, I will try to find you on facebook. I'm interested in that group you talked about before.

I was on the search to find an in-person support group that i could possibly afford, and I came across a center called ARTS: A Reason To Survive here in my city. It's an art center for ages 3-22 for people dealing with grief, suicide, physical/sexual abuse, and homelessness. I emailed them and im going in next week for a tour to see which program best fits me, and its non-profit so i dont have to pay anything. I'm really looking forward to that and I sure hope it helps. And Karyl, I'll tell you a little bit about my sister. When she born, my mom knew something wasn't right with her. The doctors thought she was normal, and my mom did alot of research and came across something. This syndrome wasn't very known at the time of her birth, but she has Angelman Syndrome. She was missing the chromosome 15 in her brain. It stopped the development of her brain so even though she lived to be 13, her brain only developed to an 18 month old. She couldn't speak, couldn't walk, she had no gag reflex so she couldn't eat either. She had surgery when she was eight weeks old to put a g-tube in her stomach so she could eat baby formulas and shakes her whole life. She also had epilepsy and cerebral palsy. Even though angelman kids are unable to communicate verbally. they can communicate in other ways. Angelman kids are very well known for being extremely happy. Her smile could light up anyones day, she laughed almost constantly and clapped her hands alot. She loved playing and chewing on baby toys, watching action movies because they excited her so much, and she also did special olympics in my hometown when she was younger. She was also in the program Make a Wish Foundation and Give Kids the World. We were able to take her to Disney World quite a few times and she loved it there, and at Give Kids the World she has her own star there with her name and her born date, which I still want to go visit. She attended public school and the kids and teachers absolutely loved her, she could brighten everyones day just by being there and even had a boyfriend at the time in her special education class. We lived in a small town but at her memorial service, approximately 150 kids/teachers/family and friends attended and shared their love for her. Alot of people say that kids that are born with Angelman Syndrome, that they resemble an angel from God being brought on this earth because of the shine they have and the good they bring into peoples lives. And even though she's gone, I can still feel her shining and her smile burning. I still miss her a lot, I just wish she didn't have to go. I come from a long generation of physical/sexual abuse, four generations so far and my dad, his brother, and one of my brothers is a sociopath. It seemed like a very dark place to grow up in but my sister, Kelsey, brightened our home a little bit and most of those years, I dont know how i would have made it out alive without her. Another reason why it makes it so hard her not being her. I'll try to keep in touch and thank you everyone for your support. <3

and here is a picture of her and i at a childrens hospital about six years ago. She was about to go through some major tests at the hospital but she still had a smile on her face, like always. <3
Image
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Re: My father committed a murder suicide

Postby DansbigSister » Wed Aug 03, 2011 7:02 am

I just read your story and it broke my heart. After seeing the picture of you and your sister I shed a tear, what a beautiful human being she was, you could clearly see by her beautiful face and shining smile that she was someone exceptional. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Re: My father committed a murder suicide

Postby Crystl » Wed Aug 03, 2011 6:29 pm

my heart goes out to you ...
I have no words except I'm so sorry.
*hugs*
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