Shocked beyond belief does it get better?

Especially for parents whose sons or daughters died by suicide.

Shocked beyond belief does it get better?

Postby eyez1010 » Mon Jan 04, 2016 7:11 pm

I came home from work a little after midnight on the 28th of October 2015. My 19 yr old daughter was watching a movie and there was music playing louder than should be in my son's room. Tried the door it was locked which at 23 yrs old he did if he wanted privacy I was thinking maybe he had a girl over and didn't want to embarass him and keep on knocking so I text him Bry plz turn the music down..the funniest thing is I can't remember if he did or not. I sent that msg at 12:48 am the last msg I'd ever send him. Since I work nights I'm not a bright and early person but Bryan usually left for work around 5:30am. I woke up around 10 had my coffee and was working on a Halloween costume it was raining cats and dogs that day so I hadn't gone out or I'd had noticed Bryan left his lucky stripes on the porch. Awhile later my daughter saw his cigs and asked if Bryan had gone to work I said I thought so but went to check his room the door was still locked it was now around 1pm ..This was unusal I was banging on the door when I felt a panic come over me sent for a screwdriver to get the door unlocked once I did I still couldn't open it all I could see was the back of my son's foot for an instance I thought maybe he had been drinking and passed out or some thing. Don't know how but I got the door open enough to squeeze through and that's when I realized what he had done from his bedroom door with 2 belts from an over the door clothes rack he had hung himself. I couldn't get him down but somehow I did he was so cold and his face I'll never forget the look on his face my smart beautiful boy nor will I ever forget finding him hanging like that I don't quite remember the sequence of things after that I remember the scream from my daughter his little sister..I remember not being able to remember the # for 911 as crazy as that sounds. I remember the police officers pulling me away from him and fighting them telling them not to push me as my baby lay on the floor ice cold. It felt like forever before the medical examiner got there my house was full of strangers and questions . I remember sitting there thinking this had to be a bad dream when was I gonna wake up this couldn't be happening. I remember them taking his body out in a body bag I have to call to find out when they'll release him to the funeral home. Seems like forever. They want me to pick out clothes and pictures. This can't be happening. I'm not doing this because this isn't real it's not happening. It did happen though. After my son got out of work that night he had an argument with his best friend stemming from the fact that he the best friend had slept with Bryan's girlfriend. They all worked together everyone at work knew I found out later my daughter knew too. My children were close they told each other everything .I wish I knew what was going on Bryan felt betrayed humiliated and alone. At 12 am he downloaded a song from radiohead called videotape and put it on repeat. He set up a long mirror across from were he hung himself propped up on the bed and watched as he took his last breath ...He left no note nothing ...toxicology report showed no drugs or alcohol in his system he knew what he was doing. It was his choice I wish he knew how much we loved him and how devastating this is for myself and his sister. It's destroyed me as a mother . The first thing I see when I open my eyes is him hanging there and it's the last thing I see before I go to bed. This is nothing short of a excruciating hell of a nightmare. His room just like he left it I pass it a hundred times a day. I catch myself starting to cry at work randomly. We're seeing a psychologist but really doesn't seem to be helping much. I really hope one day I can replace these images with my beautiful boys smile and laugh.
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Re: Shocked beyond belief does it get better?

Postby cali » Wed Jan 06, 2016 4:17 pm

I'm so sorry. You can eventually replace the images, but it takes the work of consciously forcing the happier image in place of the traumatic one. It takes a lot of practice but it can really help to cut down the frequency of the other one.
This recovering of yourself takes a long time. I think this is the hardest thing anyone can ever go through. It may get even harder for a while, as unbelievable as that is. It is because of the shock wearing off. It is important to keep drinking water, it helps flush your system of the shock. And rest whenever you can. Do tell people what you need, they cannot begin to understand unless they have gone through it themselves. It took a while before I was able, but eventually going to an SOS group was helpful for me for a while. Sometimes you need to check out a few different therapists, before finding a good "fit." In these early days, you just have to get through. One moment at a time. I am lighting a candle right now for your family, your beautiful son.
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Re: Shocked beyond belief does it get better?

Postby eyez1010 » Thu Jan 07, 2016 3:27 am

Thank you so much for your kind words. Sometimes I feel no one understands. I realize this is not something I will ever get over but I hope one day the images erase themselves. I hear of ppl being visited in their dreams but it hasn't happened for me thus far. I miss my baby ,my firstborn,my only son. I'd do anything for just one more day. I'm really trying to make sure I drink plenty of water to release the shock. Doesn't seem to be working much. Just wish I could step out of this nightmare if only for a little bit.
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Re: Shocked beyond belief does it get better?

Postby cali » Fri Jan 08, 2016 1:14 am

We understand here. We do. We are listening to you and sending you strength and support. You are not alone.
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Re: Shocked beyond belief does it get better?

Postby Joshsmom217 » Mon Feb 22, 2016 3:18 am

My sister in grief, my son did what your son did. He was also my first born and my only son. He did it from a door, but it was not at my home. He had a roommate that realized he had not woke up and checked on him. i also learned the door was hard to open because his feet were in the way. Your story sounds so familiar. I was asked to come to the home and "see"
where this tragedy took place by the family who owned the place and who found him. I was not interested in the least. I did not want to imagine my son there and have the details described to me. I didn't want the images in my mind such as you describe. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through. I will pray for you that things will get better. I am still working on my grief. We never get over it, we just get through it. Just remember we are all here for you if you need us. God Bless you and your young daughter and may he give you comfort and strength to get through this pain of what you witnessed that day.
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Re: Shocked beyond belief does it get better?

Postby Bonnie » Fri Apr 08, 2016 1:22 pm

My son died the same way and while I was home too. I'm so sorry for what has happened to you. It does get better and then worse and then better again. Grief doesn't follow a schedule. Feel any way you want for as long as you need. We never get over it, but it becomes a part of us that hurts less often over time. Or so I'm told by my counselor. Please make sure you are all getting regular counseling. Survivors of suicide like us need someone to tell us over and over again that it's not our fault. I know you posted some time ago, but I'm new here and just read it. I hope you are doing better.
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Re: Shocked beyond belief does it get better?

Postby Joshsmom217 » Fri Apr 08, 2016 9:53 pm

Bonnie is right. It has been 3 years since I lost my son. It will take you at least 5 years to feel some sort of normalcy. I don't see anything normal about losing a child. Especially, by taking their own life. You will find as time goes on, the grief will get easier. At times, it will hit you in waves. Then, you will get better, but will always remember your son daily. Everything you feel is normal. We all react to our grief differently. So, if you want to scream, do it. If you want to be to yourself and have no contact with others, do it. Whatever helps you to deal with your grief is what you need to do in order to get through it. One thing you should always remember, it's not your fault. You are not to blame. You took no part in him making a choice to end his life. The hardest thing for us as parents is to try and understand why. There are so many unanswered questions. No goodbyes. Just total devastation. Don't be angry with your son. He was sick. Nobody knew. He didn't know. Please, don't blame yourself, because there is nothing you could have done to stop it. He would have eventually followed through with his plan even if you had known and tried to stop him. It will get better.
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