Does this pain ever get easier?

Especially for parents whose sons or daughters died by suicide.

Does this pain ever get easier?

Postby Sassysab28 » Mon Jul 27, 2015 6:07 am

I know it's only been a little over 8 months but it still seems like yesterday. The nightmares I have of that night are so difficult to deal with that I sleep less and less. I'm so tired of hearing from people that really have no clue what kind of hell this is that it will get better, I mean how could they ever think it's gonna get better. My heart. Weighs so heavy trying to figure out what I coulda done? What signs did I miss? How I didn't even know? What kind of mother am I? The guilt is eating me up inside and I feel like I'm suffocating. The hole in my heart is so unbearable and it hurts so bad. I paint this face and smile on everyday just so I don't have to hear are you ok, or people telling me that God don't give you more than you can handle, truly has no idea the kinda hell this is. Or sometimes they say well you still have your other kids and grandkids, that's the one that gets me most I guess. I sometimes just wanna grab whoever says it and. Just shake them. I mean really, that don't make it any easier. Am I supposed to feel guilt for my other children having Togo through this. I really don't know! I feel like I'm going crazy in my head, and it's taking everything in me to just get up and pretend to be ok because even though my loved ones around tell me it's ok to cry really cannot handle seeing me like this. So I only allow them to see this person that seems miles away from me, they all believe for the most part that I'm doing pretty good. Am I going crazy? Why do I feel so alone even though I have this amazing boyfriend that has truly been a blessing through this all. He pushes me to get up and go on, he pushes me when it seems. That today's the day that I'm just gonna give up, but he won't allow that
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Re: Does this pain ever get easier?

Postby Jason » Thu Jul 30, 2015 6:32 am

Sassysab28, it does not get easier. It just gets different, but that only happens if you face it. My family opens up and talks about it together. Why? Because together we are there for each other, together we do just like your boyfriend and pick each other up, together we struggle along. It is okay to be weak and down in the dumps around them because they can help you to heal. The scar will still be there and may continue to hurt. But by facing the struggles the others may also be struggling as well and it will give them a chance to open up more and truly allow you to strengthen each other. I know a friend that lost a son this same way and she was known by many where she lived as "the crazy lady," but you know she is still a little bit wacky and we love her. She has been there for me as well, so its alright to be "crazy" especially when all this is beyond our control. Continue to remember her at her best and even if it hurts, share it with those you feel like telling it to. I open up to co-workers, friends, even strangers because I know in some way it will help us both. Its a good sign that you are here to share your thoughts. I have also found books about grief and especially ones with activities in them to help me. Two of my favorite activities is to write not in a journal but instead to write loving letters to my darling wife and then to look for the things she would have liked or enjoyed. It is another kind of joy I have found over time and also opened my eyes to her good taste and judgement in what she chose. I hope you find peace and joy soon.
Last edited by Jason on Sat Aug 01, 2015 6:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
July 1986 - Oct 2011. Whispering nightly. "Rebecca, I love you. I forgive you. I miss you. I will hold you again."
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Re: Does this pain ever get easier?

Postby Cschwab » Fri Jul 31, 2015 12:42 am

No, it doesn't get easier ;(. The pain in our heart(s) hurt uncontrollably each and every day. Over time it gets different.
I feel your pain, sense of quilt, questioning, re visiting, re living, nightmares and living with the pain even though your are expected to move on with your life. We will never be the same but I feel that we need to respect our feelings. The pain is real and I wish I could help your pain ;(
Hugs
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