I feel so much pain, I do not know what to do?

Especially for parents whose sons or daughters died by suicide.

I feel so much pain, I do not know what to do?

Postby WhyPunishMeGod » Thu Apr 16, 2015 6:15 pm

I lost my younger son around two months back while he was living in college dorm. Still now the voice of dean of students who called on phone resonates my ear- "Your son so-and-so did suicide". My wife fainted and I could hold myself with great difficulty.
He was a junior student of engineering in one of the reputed Tech colleges in the US. He was staying in a single room in the dorm. Getting no response of phone calls and emails for three days, I called the college authorities opened his room and find him dead.
He was a bright student academically but was very shy. Even though we encouraged him always to shed off shyness, we did not take that too seriously. We knew that he is too sensitive, hence never talked loudly to him and also being a disciplined and obedient boy he never gave us an opportunity for the same. During winter vacation when he visited this year, he seemed to be very happy, calm and confident.
A journal was recovered from his room that he used to maintain since age 14 where he expressed his crippling shyness and inability of making friends. He developed some sort of inferiority complex as he was not good in sports and extra co-curricular activities. He wrote in the journal that he was suffering from depression for last 5 years. Back to school days, he used to look sad while having breakfast and we took it lightly assuming that he was sad as he had to get up early in the morning for school. He did not show any other sign of depression.
We were a happy family with no quarrels or no problems in the family, no monetary problems and with typical eastern value system with mutual respect for all family members. I wonder what might have gone wrong with him. Why he did not let us know his problem. I and my wife have always told him to express himself openly to us – bad or good. Now when we join the dots we find that his actions and talk sometimes indirectly implied his action that he was going to take like “ I will live in this city forever, I like the city very much”. He took picture of parents for the first time to hang on the walls, we thought he was becoming more mature.
We are totally devastated emotionally. I see him sometimes and the feeling is so real. He talks to me and it seems so real to me. I wonder if I am becoming mad. Two months have passed and we still cry loudly every morning and at night. I do not know how long I can pull on like this..
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Re: I feel so much pain, I do not know what to do?

Postby briansfolks » Wed Apr 22, 2015 4:12 pm

Our son was a shy good guy too. He was Valedictorian of his high school class,graduated sum cum laude in Chemistry from a private Catholic university. He was a good person yet he died this way. It has been over 3 years and I still cry every night. I function better now but I still mourn for him. This mourning process from what I have noticed varies from person to person so you may eventually do better than me. I still struggle! I have learn after a short period of time no one wants to hear about it so you might prepare yourself for that. You can still vent on here and my husband and I talk a lot about it. It helps to talk. I have a memory garden for my son and I decorate his grave often. It has been the worst thing ever to experience I know and I pray you find a way to cope in a constructive way. I wish I could tell you it simply gets considerably better but it hasn't for me yet.
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Re: I feel so much pain, I do not know what to do?

Postby cali » Wed Apr 22, 2015 9:12 pm

I'm very sorry for the loss of your precious son. I lost my son almost 5 years ago, one year after he graduated college. The first months are very hard. Hold on and take it a moment at a time. With time, the day to day intensity will ease. Meantime, breathe, drink a lot of water (it helps to flush the shock hormones), and rest when you can. Look for SOS groups in your area, and visit this and other forums. Sending you peace.
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Re: I feel so much pain, I do not know what to do?

Postby sueredpred » Sun May 10, 2015 7:29 am

You are not mad. I feel you are very lucky in that your son comes to you. I have had similar experiences since I lost my husband. Be kind to yourself you are new to this journey of grief. It changes with time. You are in my prayers. Peace sueredpred
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Re: I feel so much pain, I do not know what to do?

Postby dusty825 » Thu May 21, 2015 11:17 am

I am in the same boat, but I came home from work and found my son, when i found him I just wanted to shoot myself also it hurt so bad, but I have more kids even though they are adults to worry about, but it's rough, i would like to say there is good days and bad, but it's more like good minutes, and bad minutes. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, when I close my eye's it's all I can see is him lying there, after they police left I had to clean up the mess, no parent should ever half to deal with that, I hope it gets better i just don't know if it will..
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