The residual memories

Especially for parents whose sons or daughters died by suicide.

The residual memories

Postby cmarie » Fri May 09, 2014 10:45 pm

Recently, we travelled to see my extended family- my parents and my brother and his family. I have seen them many times since Liam died.
Our first night there, we are to have a big family dinner. We were all there- except Liam. My nephew arrived, (he is a year older than Liam, so he is now 21) I hugged him hard, and couldn't stop. My daughter touches me and says gently "mum, let him go". I say "not yet" and hug harder. He says "it's okay" and hugs me harder back.

The tears are sliding down my cheeks, as I try to hold them back ( after all it's a happy family reunion). I move away, brushing away the tears and swallowing tears. My beautiful daughter hugs me, and says " I know. Me too." My husband takes my hand and says " I didn't think about it until I saw you. He makes you think about Liam". All I can do is nod.

Liam and my nephew were nothing alike, physically or temperamentally - they didn't even like each other that much. But there it was- holding that young adult body, and the memories(?) just come flooding back, washing over me, knocking me down. And grief still lingers, swirling, waiting to find an exit.

He was a dear sweet boy to let his auntie hug him like that.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
cmarie
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Re: The residual memories

Postby Berna » Mon May 12, 2014 7:30 am

cmarie,
I feel like this a lot, I just wish so hard it never happened. I look at society in general and think who else is going through this pain. There are people who think that after time I should be over the death of my son, it never goes away. When I see or feel something from the past, it's still feels like yesterday. This is the worst thing that can ever happen to someone's life, yet I see on this forum there are people who have lost 2-3 family members to suicide. I honestly don't understand how someone can hold so much pain inside and say nothing...nothing. The pain they leave for the survivors is at times unbearable, and leaves me questioning my own survival and why God makes so many people suffer so much. Just venting, I feel your pain.
Lots of love,
B
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Re: The residual memories

Postby Blossom » Wed May 14, 2014 5:04 am

xxx
Blossom x

If nothing else, give refuge to those in need.
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Re: The residual memories

Postby jimsmom » Thu May 15, 2014 7:25 pm

Your post really hit home and moved me to tears. I can only imagine the pain that you were feeling. You just never know what's going to hit you next and you don't see it coming. The waves of pain just ripple through your entire being and you just can't help the tears from flowing. I'm thinking of you and sending a wish for peace...and it's so hard to find.

Big hugs.

Jims Mom
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Re: The residual memories

Postby Michaelsdad17 » Fri Jan 09, 2015 4:03 pm

I read this post and a few others and it makes the tears flow like raindrops, slowly working out of my soul, wishing each one was another hour spent with him, even watching him sleep, or just eat anything simple, happy times. It also reminds me of Nic his best friend whom was always there for Michael, in and out up and down, fight like brothers, and always make up. How much grief by all of us who love him, forever. As the pain slowly subsides, a happy memory comes to mind, childhood mischief, and boyhood dreams, cub scout camping and dad assistant football coaching, never giving up hope, compassion, and Love for my son, may peace be finally with him. I somehow wish Nic and Micheal were calling me trying to scam up some work for cash, clean gutters or something so they could get some beer for friday night, like always. God Bless you Michael, peace be with you forever.
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