Our first night there, we are to have a big family dinner. We were all there- except Liam. My nephew arrived, (he is a year older than Liam, so he is now 21) I hugged him hard, and couldn't stop. My daughter touches me and says gently "mum, let him go". I say "not yet" and hug harder. He says "it's okay" and hugs me harder back.
The tears are sliding down my cheeks, as I try to hold them back ( after all it's a happy family reunion). I move away, brushing away the tears and swallowing tears. My beautiful daughter hugs me, and says " I know. Me too." My husband takes my hand and says " I didn't think about it until I saw you. He makes you think about Liam". All I can do is nod.
Liam and my nephew were nothing alike, physically or temperamentally - they didn't even like each other that much. But there it was- holding that young adult body, and the memories(?) just come flooding back, washing over me, knocking me down. And grief still lingers, swirling, waiting to find an exit.
He was a dear sweet boy to let his auntie hug him like that.
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
I feel like this a lot, I just wish so hard it never happened. I look at society in general and think who else is going through this pain. There are people who think that after time I should be over the death of my son, it never goes away. When I see or feel something from the past, it's still feels like yesterday. This is the worst thing that can ever happen to someone's life, yet I see on this forum there are people who have lost 2-3 family members to suicide. I honestly don't understand how someone can hold so much pain inside and say nothing...nothing. The pain they leave for the survivors is at times unbearable, and leaves me questioning my own survival and why God makes so many people suffer so much. Just venting, I feel your pain.
Lots of love,