My mum committed suicide on 23rd September 2014. Today is the 8th month anniversary...and although it feels like time has flown, it also feels like time has stopped? If that makes sense.
I still miss my mum so much. She was my best friend, my co-partner in comedy etc. We were more like sisters than mother and daughter.
I am still very angry with her, yet understand in a way as to why she did it. Which makes it more confusing I guess. What pushes a mum to the extent that she has to hang herself?? Dad and I have been sorting through a few of her things and and found hoards of medication and home made looses - obviously she had been thinking about suicide for quire a while. Why didn't I pick-up on this?
I started a new job last March - just as mum got diagnosed with early stages of cancer. In April she had a hysterectomy and since she left hospital and went home to recover - she convinced herself that something was wrong. Endless GP appointments, surgeon appointments and emergency department appointments - no one found anything wrong, but she was convinced. I knew it was getting her down and that she was on painkillers all through the day - every day. BUT I was starting a new job and helping start a business with my boss. I ended up working lots of overtime, working from home and I didn't even spare time to visit her regularly in hospital. I was such a crap daughter!!
For the last weekend she was alive, she assured me that she would never commit suicide as "she was never that brave or stupid" and was clearing out the spare room etc - as if she was moving on in a positive way. Phew....I thought! She even booked a holiday for the family - for September 2015.
But on Tuesday.....Dad and I found her. She had taped a black bag across the glass in the door leading into the office...where she hung herself.
Am so angry! She promised me she would never do that. Why put a brave face on etc - had she made up her mind and was enjoying her last weekend?? she was watching me doing the laundry and I wonder if she was thinking "she can look after herself?" Why didn't or couldn't she talk to me?? Why didn't she leave a note? I spent weeks searching for a clue or some hidden note somewhere for me to find....with her explaining why. But nothing. Did she hate me that much that she couldn't even be bothered to write a note???? I found a load of tablets in her car and a simple note stating her name and dads details as next of kin.....she couldn't even be bothered to explain fully there! I suppose I'm grateful that mum did it at home instead of somewhere in the car where it could've taken days to find her. But at the same time I hate the room where we found her. It's like a constant reminder.
My brother now hates me and has disowned me - he has told me its my fault for not doing enough for mum then he blames me for doing too much so mum felt useless around the house. He has phoned me to tell me that he doesn't like me - so I ended up putting the phone down on him and changing my mobile number. Dad and I are the only family left now....everyone has passed on within the last 10 years...grandparents, aunts and now my mum.
Sorry.........am venting!!! So many things I cant say or talk about....